Trauma doesn't make one stronger. I've learned several common cliches are dangerously wrong. People shouldn't try to burn themselves out or push past their breaking points. Trying to get most people to understand is like talking to a wall, or talking to something that turns around and facilitates what's violating/ violent to you. I always feel on the defensive (triggered, high-alert), so I've learned to silence myself and not be honest so I don't get exhausted and sick simply expressing what I know to be true. It seems most people will choose to deny non-LGBTQ-flattering perspectives and are triggered to react in defense of their views just as strongly. I have empathy for many of the anecdotes and feelings expressed in this forum, but absolutely nowhere outside it will people even allow you to state what you know and has so much affected who you are.

I have no problem saying I was a victim of my ex.  It's no more difficult than it would be saying I was a victim if a shark bit me.  I didn't ask to be hoovered up into the closet, not one iota.  and I didn't want to be.  I guess you could say well you asked for it because you were swimming in the sea but I think that's a bit of a stretch, swimming in the sea is a part of my natural preserve, so was dating.  I accept I am the type of person who makes a tasty meal but that doesn't mean I wanted to be eaten.  well not by a shark anyway.

I too am entirely silenced other than here.  It's like we are socially primed to give the closet space and I think maybe it's simply because there's so much of it. 

 

so sorry to hear that Walkby, that must have been awful.  Just awful.  

yes it's the re-victimisation as the ex fires up and then it's the further re-victimisation as people don't or won't understand and now that it is some time ago for me and I am back to social norms where you don't show any sign of ever even questioning the right of a person with homosexual leanings to marry and maintain their closet.  And yet I know first hand how distressing it is to be used like that.

 

I was a victim but not anymore. That’s what a paper by Dr Minwalla on my situation helped me to see: “ This paper discusses deceptive sexuality – a specific type of ABUSE problem – and the trauma-related experiences and symptoms of people impacted by it. The intent of this paper is to serve as a helpful resource for people who may be experiencing these problems (abusers and VICTIMS), as well as for healthcare professionals who are seeking knowledge on how to best respond to and treat clinical presentations associated with deceptive sexuality. My own learning as a mental health professional has come about, in large part, through a process of sitting in rooms with victims of deceptive sexuality – with intimate partners and spouses who have been abused and traumatized in a very specific way – as an empathic witness, listening to and hearing their traumatic realities, with an open mind and heart. This paper was written as a synthesis of their voices – of the human beings living through and harmed by these experiences. This paper is very much for them – the people suffering – and was written with them in mind, and in my heart. With this type of abuse and trauma still lying in our collective darkness, it’s my hope, particularly for VICTIMS but very much also for abusers, that this paper may serve as a lighthouse that gives people hope and support as they attempt to survive.”   Reading that intro was a moment of grace for me. It helped me acknowledge myself as a victim so I could begin to heal. For my sake. “Victim” is  not my sole identity by any means—I’m a mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee, neighbor, community member etc etc. I’m free now and also consider myself a survivor.

Walkbymyself, excellent analysis of how it affects and continues to affect us.  Your amputee vs 2 arms point is trenchant.  We all have out own recocery paths and timelines and few understand except those who are going through it.