today quite unexpectedly, she got home from school full of beans showing me her tech creation and then spent an hour talking to me about her day and all sorts of other things whilst i was cooking the tea, it was bliss.

My comments in red 

jamieblunt wrote:

........whilst my daughter is in different shades of rage at everything, stbx is the only one she lets near to give her a cuddle even though she rages at stbx just as much as me, last night was horrible, my daughter was apoplectic with rage about various stuff (angry at me telling her to do her homework, angry when i offered to help and angry that i walked away when she told me to) apparently she got hit at school and reported it to the teachers so i asked her to tell me about it and she rages at me to go away and then she rages at me some more as again i did what she asks, so i cant win ....you can win, it takes a wise parent to understand a teenager. Her mother is not a wise parent. She can't see how troubled your daughter is and would rather medicate her than talk to her and get to the bottom of it with love & nurture. Your daughter may however benefit from a neutral contact to talk to. Is there a school counselor that she could see? she's obviously having issues there as well
Then me and stbx have a medium row as she wanted her to go on calming meds years ago and i stopped her "as she has been like this for three years" which is not true her rage has only really manifested in the last six months before stbx came out but well into her 2021 of ignoring me and leaving me to be the sole parent, so i tell stbx to start acting like a mother and eventually she did, she hugged daughter until she was calm something i just cant do at the moment because the daughter wants me nowhere near her.
the female element of my family are literally tag teaming me into oblivion at the moment. Does your daughter know how this is/has affected you? Because if you've been 'staying strong' and she has no idea how you're feeling she'll be a magnet to the person she feels she doesn't have enough with and repel the one who's keeping the place going. As a stay at home Mum I can tell you the one who tells the kids to do their homework, drives them places and reminds them to "please pick those clothes up off the floor!"...doesn't get as much recognition as the one who seems to have freedom and who comes sashaying in with a smile on their face and has less input into the running of the house.
...

Elle
 

jamieblunt wrote:

during my bliss moment i did say how much i missed her and these sorts of chats we used to have, .......

You're a good man JB
 

So sorry about your lesbian wife. I do not believe in spanking but your daughter needs to learn that she cannot act in that manner. I would punish her somehow. If you can, divorce the lesbian. She does not deserve you.

This is not a behavioral issue.  "Punishment" would backfire.