Thank you for your response Sean...  I've learned so much from you and this forum and once again feel validated.  It's hard when you have told friends of your experience and then your ex starts dating another woman.  Now they think, I'm the crazy one...  I do believe it is time for me to completely detach emotionally from him..  Half of me not completely moving on was a fear of "leaving" him alone, he IS the father of my children and they love him very much.  The other half is extremely selfish, because I think the extremely generous financial help is his way of keeping my mouth shut,  and I have selfishly accepted that.  I also have not dated for fear it would make him mad and jealous and he would cut me off financially...  I still have this jealousy of the other woman though..  I should feel sorry for her, but I don't. I want her to know the truth, and then laugh in his face...  My big question is, he had ED for the last 3 years of our marriage, I assume because he was already hooking up and completely entrenched into his double life.  I also pulled away sexually and just started sleeping in another room because I was tired of the rejection and the limp dick.... Is it possible, he has put his "gayness" on hold for this new person and they are having great sex?!!  How is that even possible?  

Welcome Daryl. Everyone is welcome to post so come back anytime my friend. In response to Winnie: 

1. Thank you for your response Sean...  I've learned so much from you and this forum and once again feel validated. 

My pleasure but please keep in mind that I've done many of the terrible things detailed in these posts. I hope you're also getting professional counselling to help you work through all of this. 

2. Its hard when you have told friends of your experience and then your ex starts dating another woman.  Now they think, I'm the crazy one... 

Kristin K. from SSN/Our Path had a similar experience which she shared during our recent podcast chat. As we discussed, gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) who choose to remain closeted or, worse, remarry, have often had decades of experience hiding their sexualities. When a GIDH re-marries a woman, it's the ultimate head fake and this often leaves his straight wife wondering, "Is he really gay?" So yes it can be crazy making. 

3. I do believe it is time for me to completely detach emotionally from him..  Half of me not completely moving on was a fear of "leaving" him alone, he IS the father of my children and they love him very much. 

Understandable. Or perhaps you wanted to reconcile on some level because who doesn't want to be loved? Straight wives are often empaths or co-dependents, meaning they live to heal others. Have you discussed co-dependency with a qualified therapist? 

4. The other half is extremely selfish, because I think the extremely generous financial help is his way of keeping my mouth shut,  and I have selfishly accepted that.  I also have not dated for fear it would make him mad and jealous and he would cut me off financially... 

I reckon you deserve the $$$ but understand the fear of crossing him. Question: are you divorced? If yes, I'm sure your divorce settlement has child/spousal support which hopefully provides some protection. 

5. I still have this jealousy of the other woman though... 

I think that's very honest of you to admit. 

6. I should feel sorry for her, but I don't. I want her to know the truth, and then laugh in his face... 

Again very honest. I now make it a rule to never get in the crazy pool with people who are drowning. This woman has chosen her swim partner, your husband, so I'd recommend staying out of their relationship. 

7. My big question is, he had ED for the last 3 years of our marriage, I assume because he was already hooking up and completely entrenched into his double life.  I also pulled away sexually and just started sleeping in another room because I was tired of the rejection and the limp dick.... Is it possible, he has put his "gayness" on hold for this new person and they are having great sex?!!  How is that even possible?

I'm not sure it's possible to hit pause on one's "gayness." As I shared in our previous exchange, erectile dysfunction (ED) medications only work if the man is naturally aroused. I understand the need for a straight wife to pull away sexually because, let's be blunt, she's often afraid of catching a serious STI/STD while having unprotected sex with her cheating husband. With regards to their sex life, I'd urge you to move on my friend.

You've been apart for 5 years so I reckon it's time to put your broken marriage to rest my friend. Take all of that time, energy, and love you wasted on a closeted husband to focus 100% on you and your kids. Love yourself like your life depends on it and, if this is what you want, you'll inevitably attract your prince charming. I believe that it's wasted energy to focus on a broken ex-husband because it takes away from the most important person: you. Most importantly, your feelings about his new relationship will have zero effect on it and there is the very real possibility that getting involved might blow up in your face. I hope that helps. Be well! 

Last edited by Séan (October 31, 2021 1:13 am)

Thank you for writing Winnie. In reply: 

1. Bottom line is... I want him to come out!!!  I accepted his reality a long time ago! 

I'm sorry this is still painful for you my friend. If you're not already in counselling, I'd suggest finding a qualified therapist to detach with love from your former husband. I'd also suggest reaching out to the SSN/OurPath to find another straight spouse who is on the other side of having a gay husband who re-married a woman. Follow this link for support: Personal Support - OurPath. 

2. The wife is the one who goes through the most emotional pain when she learns her husband is gay... 

100% agree! While the questioning husband may initially feel unburdened after sharing his attraction to men with his wife, I reckon she's more or less burdened with his secrets. So he feels lighter, but she's getting crushed under his burden, while also managing the household and raising kids. At first, she might feel closer to her husband because they haven't spoken nor been intimate for years, or perhaps even decades. But it's a false dawn.  

3. The friends, family, co-workers will be shocked, but their trauma will be less traumatic..  Why can't he see this?  Now.. a new woman in my childrens lives??!!  Holidays etc...  He is going to continue and snatch women into his closet... it's disgusting...

Agreed but I'd urge you to work like hell (with a counsellor if necessary) to detach with love and move on. Your questioning ex-husband is no longer your responsibility. I'm reminded of my favourite quote about resentment. "Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies." These thoughts and negative feelings are only harming you. 

4. I was horribly jealous in the beginning...

That's really honest of you.

5. because I always felt like in the future I would be the #1 woman (mother of the children) because he would never be able to fully commit to a woman... but by golly.. he never fails to surprise me... but now I just pity and feel sorry for her. 

I think that's an excellent insight so I applaud your honesty. It sounds like on some level you are still in love with your ex-husband. Is that a fair comment? Otherwise why would you react like this to his new relationship? Again I'd suggest contacting the SSN/OurPath to find a "sponsor" of sorts to help you see this thing from the other side. If I remember correctly, Kristin K (podcast host) went through the exact same thing as her ex-husband also remarried. Perhaps you could start by reaching out to Kristin as she has long healed from her own gay/straight marriage. 

6. I'm pissed and want him to come out... I am still hiding this bullcrap secret...

Understandable, but please stop using strong language like "bullcrap." Just kidding. Wink. 

If any straight spouses have questions for a gay ex-husband, feel free to post them here. Be well! 

Thanks for posting. In reply: 

#5   No.. not "in love"....  possessive of my family and the life I built.. My resentment (poison) is getting the best of me when he brings a new woman (intruder, outsider) into the mix....  I don't care what he does sexually... and I don't want to live with him.. but when it comes to what we created together, I get weird and protective....  I know it's codependent and unhealthy....  just the way I'm feeling right now... 

I'm sorry for your pain and thank you for your honesty. Remember that for every straight spouse like you posting here, there are often 100s following your journey. I have a question with regards to the above post: what is the ideal situation for you? Would you have preferred your husband remain unattached/single for the rest of his life to protect your kids? Please share if you want and no problem whatsoever if you don't want to. 

Hi Sean I wanna know your thoughts on my husband I know he’s gay but what is your input

I found texts between my husband and his gay friend my husband said ‘bring that ass’
the friend replied with wow you want it again

another text of my husband saying he is dying to put his soft cock in him

And lastly my husband texted

‘Let me know if your ready to get some hot cock and rock action and get that little ass pounded right’
I should call it my husband’s boyfriend.