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October 30, 2021 3:03 am  #1771


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for posting Winnie. Interviewer Kristin K. and I discussed the issue of gay husbands who divorce and then immediate date/remarry straight wives. Here is the podcast link: S4 Ep 3: A “Narcissist in Recovery” Gets Real - OurPath. In response to your post: 

1. My story and experience with him is almost verbatim of your experience, except he is still in the closet…. I have suffered through every stage of his gayness…. We met in 1990 at 18 years old and I became pregnant a year later, and so our family life began…. Mid thirty’s he went exactly what you went through…. We had “normal” sex up until then… he became depressed, suicidal and picked up a nasty cocaine and drinking habit….  Long story short after finding all of the gay porn , Craig’s list evidence… I confronted him and his response was “I will never admit to being gay and finally I do not want to be gay...

Clearly he was "sexually" gay, because he was hooking up with men and watching gay porn, but apparently hadn't yet made the "emotional" jump to accepting he was gay. 

2. I stayed for 8 years after that!! Basically just filling my time with friends and my young daughter and ignoring his effed up existence… I was definitely suffocating and finally got the courage to get the hell out…. I’ve been gone for 5 years and let me tell you it has been absolute bliss..

Good for you! Are you divorced? 

3. He has still provided for me 100% financially….. he basically let me leave his closet…. But this is never spoken of… he still acts and lives a heterosexual life and is now dating a woman who he has introduced my children to… I don’t think he will ever come out… but now I’m angry that I have to deal with this new woman (beard) in my life… she’s buying presents for my children and probably thinks she hit the lottery…. 

As discussed during my podcast/interview (link), it's quite common for the over-40 gay husband to re-marry women. It's a kind of "f*ck you I AM STRAIGHT!" to his ex-wife while also doubling down on his heterosexuality. I reckon that as gay-in-denial men age, it becomes much harder to break free of our closets. "Foreclosure" is a term that gay therapist Alan Downs uses in his excellent book, "The Velvet Rage." The book is mostly about the stages of coming out. When gay men decide to remain married to wives, re-marry straight wives, and/or choose their closets, they "forclose" on their gay identities. It sounds like your ex-husband has chosen this route.      

4. My husband is very charming and a classic narcissist…. How long do you think he will be able to keep up this relationship??

If he is indeed a narcissist, he's likely chosen an empath or co-dependent as his partner. Narcissists and co-dependents attract each other and form unholy/toxic unions. This means their relationship will only be about him so it's possible he's shared a little about his "same sex attraction", while working like hell to love bomb her so she gets trapped in their relationship. Please note that I'm not a mental health professional, so all of this is just pure speculation.  

5. I know he is still in the split phase and leading a double life …   

This is another term used in "The Velvet Rage" by Alan Downs. Splitting is when gay men are semi-closeted. The classic example is the 20-something son who has a boyfriend in New York City and yet he acts "straight" when he travels home (alone) to rural America. Splitting is when we live a double life as you wrote. 

6. I wish he would just come the hell out of the closet…

He won't. 

7. I have only told a few close friends…. No family know… I’m basically still in his closet, just on the outside of the door…

I can only assume there will be financial consequences if you "outed" him but please confirm. My advice: continue taking his money, do your best to protect your kids, and limit contact with this toxic man. Straight ex-wives sometimes waste years waiting for damaged ex-husbands to come out of the closet. He's chosen his closet and you're mostly free. So I encourage you to move on, gain financial freedom from him, and have lots of sex...with straight men. Be well. 

 

October 30, 2021 9:38 am  #1772


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for your response Sean...  I've learned so much from you and this forum and once again feel validated.  It's hard when you have told friends of your experience and then your ex starts dating another woman.  Now they think, I'm the crazy one...  I do believe it is time for me to completely detach emotionally from him..  Half of me not completely moving on was a fear of "leaving" him alone, he IS the father of my children and they love him very much.  The other half is extremely selfish, because I think the extremely generous financial help is his way of keeping my mouth shut,  and I have selfishly accepted that.  I also have not dated for fear it would make him mad and jealous and he would cut me off financially...  I still have this jealousy of the other woman though..  I should feel sorry for her, but I don't. I want her to know the truth, and then laugh in his face...  My big question is, he had ED for the last 3 years of our marriage, I assume because he was already hooking up and completely entrenched into his double life.  I also pulled away sexually and just started sleeping in another room because I was tired of the rejection and the limp dick.... Is it possible, he has put his "gayness" on hold for this new person and they are having great sex?!!  How is that even possible?  

 

October 30, 2021 1:04 pm  #1773


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Winnie, I rarely have anything to say in this thread, but I think you need to not be dependent upon his generosity. It's just another closet. You need to secure your future, and that of the kids, behind a legally enforceable order. My $0.02
 

Last edited by Daryl (October 30, 2021 1:04 pm)


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

October 31, 2021 1:10 am  #1774


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Welcome Daryl. Everyone is welcome to post so come back anytime my friend. In response to Winnie: 

1. Thank you for your response Sean...  I've learned so much from you and this forum and once again feel validated. 

My pleasure but please keep in mind that I've done many of the terrible things detailed in these posts. I hope you're also getting professional counselling to help you work through all of this. 

2. Its hard when you have told friends of your experience and then your ex starts dating another woman.  Now they think, I'm the crazy one... 

Kristin K. from SSN/Our Path had a similar experience which she shared during our recent podcast chat. As we discussed, gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) who choose to remain closeted or, worse, remarry, have often had decades of experience hiding their sexualities. When a GIDH re-marries a woman, it's the ultimate head fake and this often leaves his straight wife wondering, "Is he really gay?" So yes it can be crazy making. 

3. I do believe it is time for me to completely detach emotionally from him..  Half of me not completely moving on was a fear of "leaving" him alone, he IS the father of my children and they love him very much. 

Understandable. Or perhaps you wanted to reconcile on some level because who doesn't want to be loved? Straight wives are often empaths or co-dependents, meaning they live to heal others. Have you discussed co-dependency with a qualified therapist? 

4. The other half is extremely selfish, because I think the extremely generous financial help is his way of keeping my mouth shut,  and I have selfishly accepted that.  I also have not dated for fear it would make him mad and jealous and he would cut me off financially... 

I reckon you deserve the $$$ but understand the fear of crossing him. Question: are you divorced? If yes, I'm sure your divorce settlement has child/spousal support which hopefully provides some protection. 

5. I still have this jealousy of the other woman though... 

I think that's very honest of you to admit. 

6. I should feel sorry for her, but I don't. I want her to know the truth, and then laugh in his face... 

Again very honest. I now make it a rule to never get in the crazy pool with people who are drowning. This woman has chosen her swim partner, your husband, so I'd recommend staying out of their relationship. 

7. My big question is, he had ED for the last 3 years of our marriage, I assume because he was already hooking up and completely entrenched into his double life.  I also pulled away sexually and just started sleeping in another room because I was tired of the rejection and the limp dick.... Is it possible, he has put his "gayness" on hold for this new person and they are having great sex?!!  How is that even possible?

I'm not sure it's possible to hit pause on one's "gayness." As I shared in our previous exchange, erectile dysfunction (ED) medications only work if the man is naturally aroused. I understand the need for a straight wife to pull away sexually because, let's be blunt, she's often afraid of catching a serious STI/STD while having unprotected sex with her cheating husband. With regards to their sex life, I'd urge you to move on my friend.

You've been apart for 5 years so I reckon it's time to put your broken marriage to rest my friend. Take all of that time, energy, and love you wasted on a closeted husband to focus 100% on you and your kids. Love yourself like your life depends on it and, if this is what you want, you'll inevitably attract your prince charming. I believe that it's wasted energy to focus on a broken ex-husband because it takes away from the most important person: you. Most importantly, your feelings about his new relationship will have zero effect on it and there is the very real possibility that getting involved might blow up in your face. I hope that helps. Be well! 

Last edited by Séan (October 31, 2021 1:13 am)

     Thread Starter
 

November 6, 2021 11:05 pm  #1775


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Bottom line is... I want him to come out!!!  I accepted his reality a long time ago!  The wife is the one who goes through the most emotional pain when she learns her husband is gay...  The friends, family, co-workers will be shocked, but their trauma will be less traumatic..  Why can't he see this?  Now.. a new woman in my childrens lives??!!  Holidays etc...  He is going to continue and snatch women into his closet... it's disgusting... I was horribly jealous in the beginning, because I always felt like in the future I would be the #1 woman (mother of the children) because he would never be able to fully commit to a woman... but by golly.. he never fails to surprise me... but now I just pity and feel sorry for her.  I'm pissed and want him to come out... I am still hiding this bullcrap secret..

 

November 7, 2021 2:09 am  #1776


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for writing Winnie. In reply: 

1. Bottom line is... I want him to come out!!!  I accepted his reality a long time ago! 

I'm sorry this is still painful for you my friend. If you're not already in counselling, I'd suggest finding a qualified therapist to detach with love from your former husband. I'd also suggest reaching out to the SSN/OurPath to find another straight spouse who is on the other side of having a gay husband who re-married a woman. Follow this link for support: Personal Support - OurPath

2. The wife is the one who goes through the most emotional pain when she learns her husband is gay... 

100% agree! While the questioning husband may initially feel unburdened after sharing his attraction to men with his wife, I reckon she's more or less burdened with his secrets. So he feels lighter, but she's getting crushed under his burden, while also managing the household and raising kids. At first, she might feel closer to her husband because they haven't spoken nor been intimate for years, or perhaps even decades. But it's a false dawn.  

3. The friends, family, co-workers will be shocked, but their trauma will be less traumatic..  Why can't he see this?  Now.. a new woman in my childrens lives??!!  Holidays etc...  He is going to continue and snatch women into his closet... it's disgusting...

Agreed but I'd urge you to work like hell (with a counsellor if necessary) to detach with love and move on. Your questioning ex-husband is no longer your responsibility. I'm reminded of my favourite quote about resentment. "Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies." These thoughts and negative feelings are only harming you. 

4. I was horribly jealous in the beginning...

That's really honest of you.

5. because I always felt like in the future I would be the #1 woman (mother of the children) because he would never be able to fully commit to a woman... but by golly.. he never fails to surprise me... but now I just pity and feel sorry for her. 

I think that's an excellent insight so I applaud your honesty. It sounds like on some level you are still in love with your ex-husband. Is that a fair comment? Otherwise why would you react like this to his new relationship? Again I'd suggest contacting the SSN/OurPath to find a "sponsor" of sorts to help you see this thing from the other side. If I remember correctly, Kristin K (podcast host) went through the exact same thing as her ex-husband also remarried. Perhaps you could start by reaching out to Kristin as she has long healed from her own gay/straight marriage. 

6. I'm pissed and want him to come out... I am still hiding this bullcrap secret...

Understandable, but please stop using strong language like "bullcrap." Just kidding. Wink. 

If any straight spouses have questions for a gay ex-husband, feel free to post them here. Be well! 

 

November 9, 2021 12:37 am  #1777


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

#5   No.. not "in love"....  possessive of my family and the life I built.. My resentment (poison) is getting the best of me when he brings a new woman (intruder, outsider) into the mix....  I don't care what he does sexually... and I don't want to live with him.. but when it comes to what we created together, I get weird and protective....  I know it's codependent and unhealthy....  just the way I'm feeling right now...  

 

November 9, 2021 6:04 am  #1778


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks for posting. In reply: 

#5   No.. not "in love"....  possessive of my family and the life I built.. My resentment (poison) is getting the best of me when he brings a new woman (intruder, outsider) into the mix....  I don't care what he does sexually... and I don't want to live with him.. but when it comes to what we created together, I get weird and protective....  I know it's codependent and unhealthy....  just the way I'm feeling right now... 

I'm sorry for your pain and thank you for your honesty. Remember that for every straight spouse like you posting here, there are often 100s following your journey. I have a question with regards to the above post: what is the ideal situation for you? Would you have preferred your husband remain unattached/single for the rest of his life to protect your kids? Please share if you want and no problem whatsoever if you don't want to. 

 

November 9, 2021 12:56 pm  #1779


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Honestly yes.. I thought he would remain single and never try to commit to a woman again.. Maybe have a couple flings to keep up his "secret"  I wanted him single unless he was ready to come out of the closet.  In my mind, we would have a big family meeting and tell our children together.  In the meantime, I would not have to deal with another woman telling him he gives me to much money etc.. Now our family holidays are all screwed up, because he is going to include her.  I know I sound like a selfish narcissist myself right now.  He "pays" me well so I can live a comfortable life and we go on expensive family vacations.  I'm fine with that at the moment.  He destroyed me emotionally so in my mind he is paying for it in cash.  I also don't "hate" being around him when we are in our family setting.  If I'm being totally honest.. I have never felt about him the way a wife should feel about her husband.  So maybe I'm just as guilty as him.  I had an affair about 10 years into our marriage and felt so much passion for that man, that I have never felt for my husband.. go figure.  Anyway, I'm rambling.  We are now what we always should have been. "just friends" I would feel less competitive with a man in his life, even though that would take a lot of getting used to.  But I feel horribly competitive with another woman...

 

November 9, 2021 5:09 pm  #1780


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean I wanna know your thoughts on my husband I know he’s gay but what is your input

I found texts between my husband and his gay friend my husband said ‘bring that ass’
the friend replied with wow you want it again

another text of my husband saying he is dying to put his soft cock in him

And lastly my husband texted

‘Let me know if your ready to get some hot cock and rock action and get that little ass pounded right’
I should call it my husband’s boyfriend.

 

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