Hi Elayne
today i am in an odd mood, had a small row-ette with the stbx but what concerned me is that she is wandering through what i am saying as itf its happening to another person not hersefl, as she left for work today my parting words were "you have 6 months" (referencing April 2022 and this no fault divorce law)

but i got to thinking that i cant allow her to agree to everything i say without knowing she is mentally capable of agreeing to anything, i feel she agreeing too easily to everything because either she is not really listening, knows how much she is hurting so is going to punish herself by moving out and being alone or she is such a drafted manipulator she has me exactly where she wants me, flip flopping about my convictions to end this. but i know her so well that i am 99% convinced she isnt some evil genius and is so genuinely lost she is watching this car crash as a third person.
 So today is one of my confusion days where i know what i want and how i could get there, but i still if possible want to save what we have even with a compromise, i'm not saying she isn't a lesbian and i am sure we are romantically over,  but for the children and our finances if she came out with a compromise such as an open marriage for both of us then the pragmatist in me would probably grasp at that.

Today i am confused, tomorrow i will be angry the next day i will be calm or vice versa, what a fun thing our spouses have done to us...

Elayne
what give your husband the right to confront you with your conflicting emotions?
he is the one causing your conflict, its not like you have done it for fun, my stbx sometimes has a go back about something in our past and that is fine as i haven't been the easiest to live with either but i didn't make her a lesbian.

from what you have said you still have intimacy/affection so i guess that makes him bi-sexual but it should be him desperately trying to save your marriage, after this mornings confusion in my head has come a bit of clarity, my stbx is going to have to come up with some creative and inventive solution that gives me what i want from our marriage if she wants to keep us together as a family unit (and use me as an apron)
if she is lesbian and does not want to be intimate with me then the only thing i can see to achieve this would be an open marriage for me, its not that i want to go around having sex with randoms but if that is part of any deal then i am free to chose if i want to , last saturday when i was out i found a couple of ladies attractive and one of them may have been giving me the eye but of course i did nothing about it as i am married. if i had that freedom in any outcome its highly unlikely i would use it but if it meant the children had both functioning parents at home until they are adults its a price i would pay.

But back to you, obviously i don't know 99% of your home life with your husband but one thing i am sure of is my stbx does not have the right to have a go at me about any mood i am in as she is the complete cause of anything i am going through, if anything she should have to stand there and take whatever i throw at her because she is the cause of it (which i have already said to her).
I would worry that you feel he has the right to have a go because you dont want to split up and you think its up to you to save everything, (which i fully understand as i am trying to do the same but from a hardening standpoint which has evolved over the last three weeks since i have been on these forums)

when i started my journey back in august i was  options options options on how we could make this work
but as her thoughts have change from bi to lesbian,i still want to save this but not at any cost and certainly not if its me doing all the compromise.

hopefully this reads ok , i am not criticising you, just concerned that you think its justified for your husband to have a go about your mood when he is the cause of your pain.
hope that makes sense?

Hi Elayne
ok thats good (nothing is obviously good) but the fact you feel secure to hold him to account, 

i have literally just stopped talking to stbx about the open relationship and she does not like/agree with that, so i floated the idea that whilst she is off exploring herself and making friends that could potentially become more i should be allowed to do the same without guilt, its not like i have any plans to but if it is likely this time next year we will be separated/divorced then why should she be allowed to seek out potential partners but if i happened to bump into the love of my life in Tesco's i should not pursue that.

i need to read this back as again its a new thought today but it seems like equality to me whilst we have a fairly unsalvageable marriage.

I fully understand your desire to keep the family unit together especially as they are younger than my children, i get conflicting advice from lots of people some say its harder on older children and others say the opposite,  my own folks divorced when i was 8 but they kept me out of most of it and it didnt affect me much, until my dad married again and my mum got very territorial over "her" children which upset me a lot but that was when i was 12-13 so i know first hand what it can do to a child when your parents are at each others throat( no long term damage but it was not nice at the time).

Jamie, I agree with all of your points. I think what you are suggesting is very fair and deserves to be validated. None of this is easy or simple. I grew up with a single father and my husbands parents divorced as well, but when he was a teenager. I didn’t want that when I got married, for me it was one and done. But then again, I deserve happiness. And I love my husband! Dearly. I don’t want anyone else. And I know he feels the same way. I can’t say how he feels about his sexuality, the best I can do is go day by day.

Elle, I’m going to refer you to my comment for Jamie. None of this is simple. And it’s not just for the sake of the children, it’s for our sakes as well. We both love each other and are willing to work it out. Unfortunately for Jamie’s sake, his wife doesn’t seem to want to work it out. There’s a lot more to understand here than “staying together for the kids”. I’m sorry if it came off that way.

I think that an open relationship would be difficult for me. I know that you are probably still in shock and may see this as an option. I wish you the best of luck.