I'm so sorry you're going through this.  It really sucks.

Have you determined what, exactly, you're angry about?  It's worth it to drill down a bit.  Sometimes the anger can feel so vague that you don't know what it's about, and then it just keeps coming back because you don't know the underlying cause so you can work through that specifically.  If, for instance, you're angry at her for changing your life, especially because you're so unclear about what your future life looks like, then the working on getting a clearer picture of the future (by talking to a lawyer, looking at apartments, etc.) can help ease some of that fear, and consequently, the anger.  Or maybe you realize that your wife HAD to know about her gay inclinations before the marriage, and you're you're angry about being defrauded.  At least you can work through that area of grief and anger so that you don't have a vague, all-encompassing kind.

This is normal in a lot of ways.  Anger comes after denial.  And anger can be great fuel to get to blast you off into a different place.  But to do that, it needs to be channeled.  I've often found it amazing just how much anger dissipates once it's used to do something proactive.  Personally, I think that's why we have anger - because sadness is a lazy, depressing thing - one that makes us not want to move.  Anger is pure energy though, baby!

Try to get some physical activity in - that always helps the anger to have an outlet to evaporate into.  Go for a run, or even a bike ride or walk.  I've always liked driving, too - go on the highway, where you can do some open-rode, mindless driving, while you yell in the car.  Let those feelings OUT.

Best of luck to you -

Kel

According to Elizabeth Kubler Ross' Stages of Grief, anger is normal. Your story reminded me of EXACTLY what I'm going through. I haven't been angry until now. If you'd like to talk more elios0907@yahoo.com we can.

I found I didn't follow the stages of grief in any kind of order - I definitely experienced every stage, multiple times, but the order they occurred in was random. 

Brief back story - GXW came out, 2 weeks of trying to make it work, decided it wouldn't, 3 weeks of sorting house, then we split and I've barely seen her since. That was almost exactly a year ago. 

I had some anger in those 5 weeks, but I most vividly remember getting really angry for the first time shortly after we split. At that time, my parents were visiting my sister (who lives abroad). They knew the whole situation, and when we finally split I flew out to see them. I had a good weekend - difficult, but my sister lives on a vineyard so there was work I could be doing - in fact I spent most of the time stripping paint off of a bridge with a heat gun, which was surprisingly therapeutic! 

Back to the anger story. When my parents were taking me back to the airport, I started to feel it build. At that time I'd mainly been depressed and upset, trying to put a brave face on things. During that car ride, I don't know why, I started to feel anger start to bubble. I said to my folks as we pulled into the airport that I was 'feeling a bit miffed' and it was actually clearing my head. My Mum told me to keep feeling that way, as 'you should be more that a bit miffed!'. 

By the time I got on the plane, I was raging. The anger built and built, and just exploded in my head. From the outside, you'd have no idea I was in such a fury, as I sat calmly on the plane. 

The reason I tell this story is that first time of furious anger, was the first time in the process that my sadness had lifted. I could see how I was going to move on and live an awesome life, because god damn no one is ever going to get in my way again. I felt righteous, and powerful and the master of my own destiny for the first time in over a decade. It was an incredibly liberating experience.

When I got home, I poured that anger into everything I did. I used it like a furnace in a steam engine, and drove myself forward. In those early days, I found periods of anger incredibly useful to get things done - for example, I went back to my house and re-arranged furniture and sorted through the crap that had been left behind by the process of moving my GXW out. 

Looking back on those times now, I can see I was still a real mess - up and down all over the place. But god damn did Angry Bob get some s**t done!! 

I never directed my anger at anyone, even my GXW. I was angry at the situation, angry at the position I had found myself in, the in-justice of it all and that the goals I had for life had been denied. But I was able to use my anger to push myself to find new goals, to find my new purpose and decide what my new life would be. 

Now my anger has cooled and 99.9% of the time I am in acceptance. This is frustrating, as I've got gardening to do and I know Angry Bob would be great at weeding. Take your anger, and bend it to your will and get that s**t done that you want. 

(Funnily enough, I've given myself a bit of buzz remembering Angry Bob... Maybe I'll take a look at those weeds after all)

Bob, I love that Angry Bob gets stuff done! And Sad Bob doesn't want to tackle the weeds.

Wow, I so get that. When I first found out, shock and denial gave way quickly to ANGER and the anger was the fuel in my furnace. He never heard me scream or yell, I did that in private. But I was a madwoman, getting everything done on my own. I sold the house, got rid of accumulated stuff, made/hired repairs needed, hired movers, packed all alone, found a place to move and kept my fingers crossed the sale would coincide so I could buy the new place, initiated and finalized the divorce, all within five months of discovery. All the while keeping my business running and caring for an elderly aunt's needs as she battled final stages of cancer, trips to doctors and moves to nursing home and long term care.

I was so angry and powerful at the sheer disrespect of it all. Especially since he denied, even as I held the clear evidence right in my hands. I didn't sleep much, lost 20 pounds, but the fuel was so great. I was superwoman for a while. Then came grief.

When the grief hit me hard (after my move, divorce, and the death of my aunt and dad, all of those things happening in a six week period) I got on antidepressants and therapy, and worked through the sadness and lonliness. Spent more time with people, less time alone, and that helped enormously. I also did the inside work of trying to find acceptance and peace.

Now though, after fifteen months since discovery, I'm finding myself unwilling to tackle projects, sleeping too much, lacking motivation and energy. Gained back the weight I'd lost, dang it. I'm just drained. I know I couldn't maintain that rocket fuel forever, but it sure propelled me forward and got me through the worst.

I encourage people to use your righteous anger and if you haven't gotten angry yet, maybe you should. You've been treated extremely disrespectfully, and you deserve a better future! You will need strength and tons of energy to build it.

And I wonder what comes next? I need to get some of that mojo back.