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October 27, 2021 8:15 am  #1


Do you feel like a victim?

I don’t know how to word this out, but my story is too long and fresh to enter into now. I do have some questions, maybe some of you can answer. I feel as though I am making progress, but all of a sudden I feel like a victim again. I get upset, asking questions like why me? Why did I allow this? And the overwhelming feeling of feeling alone. I feel as though I am drowning in my own emotions. The worst part is to trust someone again. Believe there are good people out there and my mister right. Everywhere I go I look for signs of gayness in someone. I interpret them. How they talk, walk and so on. Before when I was younger and didn’t know, I would do the same, but not obsess. Just be like, oh he is so gay. Now, I don’t know who to trust. The worst is the feeling of loneliness.

Last edited by StraightBiRelationship (October 27, 2021 8:16 am)

 

October 27, 2021 1:19 pm  #2


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

I’m a couple years out and nowhere near having my life back on track yet.  And the victimhood thing comes and goes for me. 

I know I’m strong.  There is no other way I could have survived the abusive patterns I put up with for so long if I was not strong.  But then it doesn’t take much to trigger me anymore.  I’m not as immune anymore as I used to be. So, I get triggered relatively easily nowadays - it could be something as simple as the way a news story about an lgbtq person is written - that can send me into a victimhood spiral.

Today happens to be a really bad day for me, and I’m back in bed at the moment at almost noon and I’m on this board instead of getting work done.

It comes and goes.

 

October 27, 2021 10:40 pm  #3


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

I think that when I worked on my feelings of shame & fear, I began to feel like less of a victim. I've accepted that I've wasted a lot of time with the wrong person but I'm moving on and not looking for another relationship right now. It'll happen when I'm ready. Try to find a mindfulness practice that works for you to reduce your anxiety about the situation. Hugs.

 

October 28, 2021 1:07 am  #4


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

I used to. Because I thought I had no options, no resources... No power.

I now have all 3

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 30, 2021 10:51 pm  #5


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

New to website, but I am so depressed and lonely. I was married for 34 years and my husband did not have sex with me for over 27 years of the marriage. I chose to ignore it don't ask me why. Low self esteem is all I can say. He recently died from a heart attack at 61 years and at his funeral it was a lot of gay men who chose not to talk to me. I am sad and depressed and hoping this forum can help me accept the passing of my husband who I am thinking didn't love me and I because of my Catholic faith chose to look the other way.

 

October 30, 2021 11:51 pm  #6


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

Momoftwo, that sounds just tragic, and a funeral that should have been a comfort in your grief turned into another hearbreaking trauma for you. 

Some counselling or therapy might help you to work through your many years of sorrow and your current bereavement. Talking to trusted family or friends can also be helpful.  I'm a Catholic too and found therapy incredibly helpful by allowing me to voice how I really felt and to express sorrow and anger and pain without judgement.   

It is not the case for everyone, but I found my parish priests (younger men) incredibly supportive, sensible and wise during my separation and divorce from my abusive closeted gay husband 5 years ago.

I did a Grief to Grace retreat a few years ago too.  http://grief-to-grace-lsi.squarespace.com/  It was a most extraordinary soul-deep experience that I can recommend for helping to reveal and heal unresolved and unacknowledged trauma.

There is so much to work through but it is possible even after a long, painful and difficult marriage to find peace and build a new life for yourself. Time and space, good support and kindness to yourself all help.

I started praying parts of the daily Prayer of the Church (Divine Office) using the Universalis app on my phone and found the Psalms really spoke to my broken and grieving heart. Feeling like millions of other people were praying with and for me was also very comforting and eased the loneliness.

Our faith has a lot to offer in terms of comfort - even at the basic level of knowing that you are walking the path with Jesus who has experienced everything we are going through.  He KNOWS. The loneliness, feeling utterly broken, being abandoned and rejected by people you love, devastating grief, betrayal, searing disappointment, fear, loss, anger, public humiliation.  He gets it even if no-one else seems to. Talk to Him too, and frequent the Sacraments. Confession and Holy Communion are so comforting and healing and grounding, and full of hope. Also the sacrament of anointing of the sick is not just for the dying - it is for all suffering whether mental or physical.  I found it very healing and a great bringer of peace.

((Hugs)) and prayers. You will find healing, strength and a new, peaceful and happier life.

Last edited by Soaplife (October 31, 2021 1:24 am)

 

October 31, 2021 11:47 pm  #7


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

Momoftwo, I am so sorry that happened to you. You deserved to be loved and cherished by your husband. I am a practicing Catholic who had a 20+ year marriage to an abusive GIDH. He didn't want to have sex with me for 19 years. The constant rejection shattered my soul. The toughest woman would be brought into a depression. It's a normal reaction to abnormal behavior from a closeted spouse.

I divorced my husband and he passed away in his 50s from a heart attack less than a year later. It's difficult to mourn someone you were close to yet didn't like. Should I offer masses for the repose of the soul of this abuser? I prayed for him. I couldn't get out of bed from depression after that. I wondered where he went - heaven (surely he had to have been abused to abuse me - God was merciful) purgatory or hell
(My GIDXH chose to do this evil.)  I remembered a few good times that blotted out the memories of the horrible fake marriage. I felt guilty for being angry. Then, I was extremely angry for days when the memories of the bad times were all I remembered, This cycle repeated itself over and over. It's a painful mourning. I can't think of an alternative when a spouse dies.

Soaplife is right about prayers being a lifeline. (Thanks for the Grief To Grace retreat info!)  I wanted to add some sung prayers I listen  to when I felt too tired to think or speak:

Prayers of the Hours - Morning, Noon & Evening (in Latin) -  https://www.vaticannews.va/en/prayers.html

Evening Prayer (in English) https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bLJuMr0PjRE

I go to therapy sessions with a trauma specialist. Being fooled and rejected by a spouse caused PTSD for me. The therapy is another lifeline.

Take care,
Maria


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

November 1, 2021 7:45 am  #8


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

So sorry that you are in this situation. I am also Catholic. Only God knows where your husband is now but we all know that the Lord does not like ugly. I hope he gets what he deserves .

 

November 12, 2021 8:43 am  #9


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

StraightBiRelationship wrote:

I don’t know how to word this out, but my story is too long and fresh to enter into now. I do have some questions, maybe some of you can answer. I feel as though I am making progress, but all of a sudden I feel like a victim again. I get upset, asking questions like why me? Why did I allow this? And the overwhelming feeling of feeling alone. I feel as though I am drowning in my own emotions. The worst part is to trust someone again. Believe there are good people out there and my mister right. Everywhere I go I look for signs of gayness in someone. I interpret them. How they talk, walk and so on. Before when I was younger and didn’t know, I would do the same, but not obsess. Just be like, oh he is so gay. Now, I don’t know who to trust. The worst is the feeling of loneliness.

StraightBiRelationship-
I want to remind you that you did not ‘allow this’. Being deceived by someone is not your fault. That said, I completely relate to the feelings of being a victim and of loneliness. But the fact is that we ARE victims and it will take us time to learn to deal with that fact and move forward. But that will never change the fact that we are victims. As for the loneliness, I have been talking with my therapist about it and trying to figure out how to cope. I’m not sure if our loneliness is more pronounced right now because of our situations, and if as we learn to move forward maybe it will get better. I wish you the best.

 

November 13, 2021 7:28 pm  #10


Re: Do you feel like a victim?

Can’t_make_this_up wrote:

StraightBiRelationship wrote:

I don’t know how to word this out, but my story is too long and fresh to enter into now. I do have some questions, maybe some of you can answer. I feel as though I am making progress, but all of a sudden I feel like a victim again. I get upset, asking questions like why me? Why did I allow this? And the overwhelming feeling of feeling alone. I feel as though I am drowning in my own emotions. The worst part is to trust someone again. Believe there are good people out there and my mister right. Everywhere I go I look for signs of gayness in someone. I interpret them. How they talk, walk and so on. Before when I was younger and didn’t know, I would do the same, but not obsess. Just be like, oh he is so gay. Now, I don’t know who to trust. The worst is the feeling of loneliness.

StraightBiRelationship-
I want to remind you that you did not ‘allow this’. Being deceived by someone is not your fault. That said, I completely relate to the feelings of being a victim and of loneliness. But the fact is that we ARE victims and it will take us time to learn to deal with that fact and move forward. But that will never change the fact that we are victims. As for the loneliness, I have been talking with my therapist about it and trying to figure out how to cope. I’m not sure if our loneliness is more pronounced right now because of our situations, and if as we learn to move forward maybe it will get better. I wish you the best.

I felt like I was victimized by GIDXH.  It's like "allowing" a criminal to steal your wallet. Not possible. You can be upset that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. The fault lies solely with the GIDXH.  I asked XH many  times if he was gay and he always denied it.  This meme shows what he was really saying:



It's best to go slowly to know someone.  Feeling safe to trust someone to be an honest friend comes from that, imo.  A person hurrying that process is raising a red flag. 

Best regards,
Maria


 


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

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