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October 23, 2021 11:11 am  #31

Re: Finding things

Hi Wilted, yes, feeling confused is distressing - it's a bit like being seasick, it will settle when you are on solid ground.  sounds like you have been gaslighted.  hugs.

weeding the lies out - it takes a while.  The urge for an honest conversation - why would you think you are going to get an honest conversation from the person who has been consistently dishonest?  well, why wouldn't you expect an honest conversation from the man you loved when you need it?

see what I mean?  the confusion stems from the fact that he has been lying about himself all along.  The man you loved was a crafted facade.  The underlying reality is having a condom crisis by the sound of it.  If Daryl is right, and the presence of your daughter is hampering his nocturnal activities that also might account for the things turning up in odd places.  Has the box of condoms disappeared yet?

I'm so glad you have your daughter there with you.  

It's not the performer you want to confront, it's the reality of the man behind it that you need to face.  And that is as simple as taking a step back in your interaction and just observing him.  What does he want, what is he trying to get you to do.  And this is what is happening for you now - take it one step at a time.  gut feeling, what do you want.



October 23, 2021 4:36 pm  #32

Re: Finding things

Hi Wilted,

Am always taken aback when these closeted spouses put their wants above the kids' needs.  IMO, he's left his family role. You can't make him return.

OOHC put succinctly what I wanted to say to you. I want to repeat consulting a family law attorney for your legal and financial rights/obligations without letting your h know will help. You are under no obligation to pursue legal action.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

October 24, 2021 2:43 am  #33

Re: Finding things

Wiltedflower wrote:

...... how do you ever resolve any of this? If, we do not bring it up? I’m feeling so confused, never in my life have I felt so much confusion.

Slowly. I'm resolving it slowly and carefully,
because I'm surviving in this new Covid world, well aware my r'ship is not the same but if I left now I may leave with less...and I deserve more.
Yes I do wish sometimes one of us would say something, do something.... But I'm no longer confused. I'm just living this life


KIA KAHA                       

October 25, 2021 7:14 am  #34

Re: Finding things

I can’t believe what’s happening in my life, in my home. I’m totally destroyed.

I need to process all of this and I’m not sure ehere to even start.

I will be seeking therapy, as a first, I definetly need to unload everything that is running through my mind non-stop. I will also be seeking legal counsel. I wish I could write more to thank all of you properly, but I just can’t.

Long way home, I’ve started watching, it resonates so much, it’s destroying me just watching it all. But I know I need to take my blinders off.

Thank you to each and everyone of you for all of your help. I’m just feeling really lost at the moment for any other words.


     Thread Starter

October 26, 2021 12:11 pm  #35

Re: Finding things

I may have missed this, but has your husband actually been leaving his stuff out in the open?  Or is it "not-very-well-hidden?"  

I agree with others who have pointed out, he's trying to pressure you about your daughter because he's isolating you.  I now see what I hadn't seen when I was in your position: that it's absolutely exhausting to keep the lie going, day in and day out, for years.  My husband got to a point where he seemed to dislike having anybody in the house other than me.  He was pretty vicious to my daughter, and I now see that she was making his situation twice as much work.  He actually said, once when she came home from college over Christmas (and this is a direct quote): "Why do you even come home?  Every time you come home, you ruin everything.  Everything is perfect until you get here."  

But one thing I think you should be aware of: if you sit your husband down for a talk, it's going to make a huge strain in the house with your daughter living there, but not knowing what's going on.  I think you should plan the conversation around a time when she'll be away, at least for a weekend or something.

Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.

October 26, 2021 1:26 pm  #36

Re: Finding things

Wilted.....you have your biggest ally living in the house. And of course your daughter must feel the tension. 

You've been there for your daughter.....she's old enough to be there for you.


KIA KAHA                       

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