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October 13, 2021 10:55 am  #1

Will I ever trust him again

2012 my husband told me he was gay. We stayed together as he said he had been faithful. All went ok till 2018 when he had some sort of breakdown. He started visiting gay bars ,unknown to me -at first.He said he wanted to his feel like part of that community for a  bit. Just for the socialising side. I had an emotional breakdown which led to a physical breakdown . I was in a terrible state , had to have numerous hospital appointments to put right what had happened because of it and could not go to work for 4 months. I've never had a day off before.
When  I recovered I put in boundaries and said he was not to go anymore .The only way he could go to those places is if we weren't together I said. He agreed to this as he saw how ill it had made me
A couple of months later we had a totally unrelated argument,I went out with a friend and I found out he had gone again . I was livid ,threatened to leave and he was sorry - again.
Problem is that I still feel completely betrayed and in trauma still from it. I still have triggers also which make me very upset. We have now agreed on putting the app as to where he is at all times on his phone. What I want to know is - am I ever going to be able to trust again after promising me faithfully he wouldn't visit them again - but then he did. I feel like all trust is gone. I don't  like going out myself as I don't know where he is and I don't like him going out also as I don't know where he has gone. This a terrible way for me to be and can't imagine it ever being ok again.


October 13, 2021 12:22 pm  #2

Re: Will I ever trust him again

Welcome, I’m so sorry, I don’t usually respond to posts in this section of the forum, but I do make some exceptions.

You asked, ‘ am I ever going to be able to trust again?’, I think the answer to that question is going to be very different for everyone.

It can take time to build trust, sometimes years. Yet it can all be destroyed in one moment.

I think the more hurt you have been in your past with trust issues, will greatly determine how easily you are able to overcome any trust issues. The trick is to know who you should trust. Can you truly trust your partner? What is your gut telling you? Is he deserving of your trust?  Only you can answer that question. But it begins by the way he makes you feel.

Take good care of you.

I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 

October 13, 2021 1:50 pm  #3

Re: Will I ever trust him again

Hope.....sounds like you want to control him by tracking his whereabouts and telling him what he can and can't do. 

That is no way to live. It'll eat you up inside and you will never trust him again. He's not in the same space as you. He 
will think this gay thing he holds inside him is his, not yours and I'm almost certain that it'll be too difficult for him to be the person you want him to be. As much as you may love him...you'll never control his innermost thoughts, and nor should you. A marriage should be 2 people who belong to each other because they know they do, not because one of them is scared to be without the other. 
Can you see what this is doing to you? You need to change your thinking to focus on yourself. Have you told anybody about this, do you have a close friend/family member/counsellor to talk to? 

You will get help and advice on the MOM board to stay with your gay husband and you will get different advice on the Support Board that will help you understand what's happening to you, and how to move forward through this, possibly alone and much stronger.....or with boundaries he understands and agrees to and still together.

Almost 10 years is a long time to have this in your life and still sound helpless and without direction.....and honestly if my partner admitted he was gay that would give me clarity & certainty to break the pattern that holds me here. Why haven't you?

I am still with my partner....financial reasons mostly, have had counselling, told my story to people close to me, and for the moment am comfortable with the separate bedrooms/no intimacy life we have. I'm 63 and never thought the man I loved would ruin the life we had but he did and it'll never be the same... 
....but damned if I'll let this Mindfuck turn me into somebody I wouldn't want to know.

Keep posting Hope. Check out the Support Board, start another discussion there


KIA KAHA                       

October 16, 2021 10:02 am  #4

Re: Will I ever trust him again

I am so sorry Hope. I found out my boyfriend was gay in June 2020. He would never, ever, admit it. I married someone else from my past this August. I am happy but now I am not as mad as I was as the gay ex. I think that we can be friends. I hope that your story has a happy ending. Please know that I am holding a good thought for you.


October 17, 2021 2:36 am  #5

Re: Will I ever trust him again

Hi everyone
Thank you for your replies. I have read them and will reread over the next day or so and reply.
You are all very kind. I agree that trust can be broken in seconds

     Thread Starter

October 20, 2021 12:36 pm  #6

Re: Will I ever trust him again


I found out about my husband’s cheating through searching his phone, computer, etc -all with his knowledge and approval. (Even with all that stuff in there!). So, after he finally admitted to it (6/2019 & added all the rest of the men and the entire relationship 11/2019), I learned how to use “find my iPhone”. He had done his playing around during the day when he went to town to do his bids and jobs (he has his own company)…so, I had no idea of any of this. One of the places he went was the local porn video store and met guys in there, where they went in the little back rooms and did their thing.

He knew I was using the app. I don’t like to keep secrets like he did, so i tell him everything I do like that. I would check in frequently during the day & he was always where he was ‘supposed’ to be. It eased my mind and anxiety quite a bit. After awhile, I realized he was being trustworthy, and I started using it less and less because I trusted him more. It isn’t something I wanted to keep using. I had enough of that while searching to ‘catch’ his cheating, which I knew he was doing, but couldn’t get him to admit.

Now, I use it when I want him to pick up something, and I see if he’s already on his way home. If he is, I don’t ask him because if I do, he’ll turn around and go back…don’t want to make him do that 😉 (we live in another town). So, now it’s a useful app. He actually appreciates it.

So, for what it’s worth. that’s my story with this.

OH. And, another thing in trust. He cheated for the first 15 + years of our relationship. I thought I’d never trust him again. But, after using that app, and things he’s said and done; I believe he has been faithful for the last 2+ years, which is no guarantee for the future, but i do trust him right now 😊.

Good luck


October 25, 2021 10:14 am  #7

Re: Will I ever trust him again

Thank you for all your replies. I think that it will just take time to recover from it all. I have bad days and then better days.We have been together since  we were 16 and 18 and other than these two times Ive never had reason to not trust him. He has said he will never go to those places again and I know I have to believe that  and begin to trust him again otherwise there is no point to being together.  We spend a lot of time together doing nice things and we have intimacy. I guess I need to get my act together and learn to trust again. Thank you for your kind replies and kind wishes - it means a  lot
Sending you all lots of hugs

Last edited by Hope1965 (October 25, 2021 10:24 am)

     Thread Starter

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