of course each relationship is different, and unique.  Of course it's unique, we're all snowflakes aren't we?  Doesn't mean those snowflakes don't all obey the laws of gravity.

I was 37 years into my MOM before I knew that was what I was in.  I was 19 when we met and brought up a Christian, we shared the same religious beliefs, were in the same group and it wasn't til I left and became an atheist that I even twigged to the fact that my ex was a GID.  By then it was 'all over red rover' for me - I was past child-bearing age and deep into grief.  But oh, now that I knew the secret keeping us apart we could become close again, like in the early days, we could be emotionally intimate, good friends, couldn't we?

well no we couldn't.  He still kept me at arm's length.  The warmth and affection in the relationship was all from me and what I got back in the early days was his satisfaction in what a good-looking couple we made and when I became middle-aged that changed.  I put on a bit of weight, I got sad - the years of living on a one way street caught up to me.  He didn't get the same satisfaction and that's when it got worse.  But I had learnt to look after myself more in the intervening decade. 

So 18 months after TGT hit I was moving into my own home and grateful to be doing so.  Some part of me relaxed from day one.  Another part of me woke up.  This is the bit of me that was frightened of feeling lonely.  Now I could face up to it, of course I was frightened, loneliness hurts a lot - it was better to be facing up to it tho, maybe I could do something about it but I knew how increasingly lonely I was in my MOM.  

It is 3 years later now.  If you want to ask what that's like, feel free.  Meanwhile I'm wondering what it's like for you to have stayed.

Thank you for posting Andrew! That took a lot of courage my friend. And thank you to everyone else who shared here as well. This particular passage struck me: 

"...we are still friends, rarely quarrel, enjoy doing many things together. Talk, share. I think I'd say we have a good marriage in every way. Only there's no desire,  nor can there be, so no sexual expression or connection. That's what makes our MOM hard. So for me, the trauma is ongoing, daily.  Not an event at a point in time in the past, moving away from us. It's not a closed chapter that I can move on from." 

Thanks to what you so bravely shared here, I now know I made the right decision to divorce. I came out to my wife in May 2012. Roughly two years later, we were still together, living under the same roof. We too thought of ourselves as "best friends" and "life partners" as you so honestly shared. But it was killing us both. I was living a double life while she desperately held on to our rotting corpse of a relationship. Things were civil but largely unbearable. We were at a crossroads. 

One Sunday afternoon, my ex-wife sat me down for a meeting. She told me in no uncertain terms that we were going to stay together despite 'the gay thing.' We'd remain married until our three children were grown. I calculated this meant another 12-15 years together. She accepted that I was gay, she claimed. Thanks to her belief in God and the strength of her faith, she would accept a celibate relationship but only if I would do the same. I surmised that I could be a gay man, but never tell our children, and never have sex with a man. Roughly two weeks after we had this conversation, I told her I wanted a divorce. Given what you shared above, I know it was the right decision for both of us. 

Please don't take what I've shared here as an attempt to paint myself as the victim. I see my former self in so many horrifically painful posts here. Like many gay ex-spouses, I denied, lied, cheated, and unleashed a shameful narcissistic arsenal on the mother of my three children. I did all of this to hide the simple truth that I was gay. I am so deeply sorry for what I did and how I acted. Coming here is a form of penance I guess. Like so many of you, my ex-wife deserved better. Post-divorce, I can only hope she finds the love and passion she truly deserves. We divorced a year ago and have been separated for two years. 

As a gay man who chose straight marriage, sharing my life with the wrong gender was a bit like eating food without taste. When I started this long journey, I too made the mistake of equating sex with love. I need not explain that gay men generally have a voracious appetite for sex and there is no shortage of ways to get it. But a life based solely on sex, the pursuit of sex, and sexual conquest is a bit like a diet composed solely of fast food. We only spend a fraction of our lives actually having sex (less than 0.45%). In a lifetime, this equates to 117 days of sheet time. Why am I sharing all of this? 

Andrew's post reminded me that I wrongly defined my sexuality by where I put my penis. Love is so much more than just the mechanics of sex. This is why I believe MOMs are so hard on both spouses. I now have a male partner and yes we have sex. But our relationship is so much more than that. This makes me realize I couldn't continue living a lie. This may be why I hated my wife for a time. Being gay means that I wanted to share my life, and not just my bed, with another man. Every time I kissed a woman, including my wife, it felt like kissing my sister. This was painful for both of us. The first time I kissed another man, it was like an electroshock. And there was no going back. In retrospect, no matter how strong my resolve, my faith, or my wife's sheer effort, nothing could change the fundamental truth about my attraction to men. And staying with a woman for another 15, 20, 25, or even 30 years would be to condemn both of us to a slow and painful death.

Andrew's wrote: "Only there's no desire,  nor can there be, so no sexual expression or connection. That's what makes our MOM hard. So for me, the trauma is ongoing, daily." 

My heart aches for both of you Andrew. But I so appreciate what you've shared here. You've confirmed for me that once a spouse comes out, the only honest way to move forward is to end the relationship and move on. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for helping all of us. 

We share trust and commitment, deep fellowship and friendship. But I am a sexual being with a strong libido, but who has never come near to being unfaithful,  or falling for another woman. So am I happy with all of that? No. I've searched high and low for some way out, some way to kill my libido, and so be as at peace with a sexless existence as my wife is, but so far, no luck. I remain a lusty and so frustrated male.

Hey Brassyhub.... I know this is not what you wanna hear (since it is a struggle for you) but good on you for being 'lusty' at 68yo.  I hope I am.

Don't wish that away. I hope you find an outlet soon.

Last edited by Steve (October 23, 2016 10:47 pm)

Hi Andrew, I felt a little easier about my situation last week, but looking at the new entries over the weekend I am starting to have doubts again, not about myself but whether what I have shared with my wife is enough to hold us together. I think I mentioned that we had a heart to heart last week and yes I am missing sex but at least I get to hold the woman I love everyday but I know that her holding me does not give her the same sensation.
​Am I fooling myself in thinking this can work? We are both trying and as I said, my wife has said it is not 'happy families', she still loves me. I do feel a little like a swan, all nice and serene on the surface but paddling like mad to try and keep my head above water.
​I have just requested to join MonMOM so I hope to find some solace there.