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September 18, 2021 1:49 pm  #11


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

Ohshit2016 wrote:

......
I just don't want to make this more than what it is (if he was just curious at that time). But I also don't want to dismiss anything that could cause problems later.
.....

The thing is...by the time things 'may turn awkward, when you've invested too much in your r'ship, and you've... As far as he is concerned... Silently accepted the way he MAY be and allowed him to be who he really is.... It'll be hard to back out of something you had doubts about. If he's so ashamed of who he is he won't be honest and you'll be left not knowing or liking who you both have become

I've been there, I am there

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 18, 2021 2:10 pm  #12


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

Bisexual doesn't necessarily mean cheat. Attraction isn't the same as commitment. My general attraction towards women does not go away when I marry someone. I've chosen commitment to one as more important than attraction to the rest. If that attraction starts to outweigh my commitment, there's a problem.

Bi is not an automatic pass to explore outside the relationship. If monogamy matters to you, it matters, end of story. We are not thralls to our libido.

You found no evidence of him actually meeting someone. Let's suppose he did and deleted the evidence. Why would he not have also deleted the earlier initial contacts? If he slipped up, why wouldn't he have slipped up on at least one contact?  There's no way to know for certain, but I think it's unlikely for someone to be so meticulous in covering his tracks in one area, yet sloppy in another. I would also expect there would be a device involved, such as a phone, that is closely guarded.

This doesn't mean the thoughts don't exist. If he's bi but doesn't want to admit it, you are at an impasse. If he has this attraction or curiosity eating away at him, what does this mean down the road? 

It comes back to full disclosure and communication. We all make mistakes. What matters is how we address them.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

September 22, 2021 6:18 pm  #13


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

My husband came out to me saying he was transgender.  Then went on to say he wants to be a woman and be sexually with a man and he also likes being a man and being sexually with a woman, but would be a woman, all the time if he could.  He also, said he wants an open marriage.  I am a straight spouse so my answer which he knew was no to an open marriage.  We are still in the same place but living in separate bedrooms and he goes out as a woman and meets other people but most of the time at home he is a guy.
just wondering is this a transgender person or a bisexual, I'm confused and so sad that my marriage to him is over and we are just living together for money issues.

 

September 22, 2021 8:45 pm  #14


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

Sara,
 Your husband is not bisexual.  He is exhibiting the behavior of an autogynephile (a man who is aroused by the thought of himself as a woman).  Autogynephilia is a sexual paraphilia, one characterized by what is called "an erotic targeting error"; they are essentially heterosexual, but their interest in actual women (you) competes with their interest in themselves as women.  Such men may, however, also want when they are dressed as women to be validated by other men, because to them that "proves" their attractiveness and their status as women.
  Autogynephilia is complex and hard for people without paraphilias to understand. 

I've included a few sources below that can explain it to you.   

Michael Bailey, "The Man Who Would Be Queen."  It's available online and downloadable.  Bailey is a research psychologist at Northwestern Univ.  

Anne Lawrence, "Men Trapped in Men's Bodies/Becoming What We Love."  Lawrence is a trans person and an MD, a psychologist who treated (now retired) trans identified males.  Lawrence maintains an online presence and there are articles there. http://www.annelawrence.com/autogynephilia_&_MtF_typology.html 

Autogynephilia: An Underappreciated Paraphilia Anne A. Lawrence Department of Psychology, University of Lethbridge, Lethbridge, Alta., Canada https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/3eb9/a449b840ef525436454c4f658b8d364d194f.pdf

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 22, 2021 8:45 pm)

 

September 22, 2021 9:42 pm  #15


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

Thank you all for your response, I will check out the sources that were referenced.   I think he fits this Autogynephilia. 

Sorry about not being on a separate thread, this is new to me.

 

October 11, 2021 7:44 am  #16


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

We have very similar stories. He will only be able to suppress this for so long and then he will act on it. So unless you are ok with that exit the relationship

 

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