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October 7, 2021 9:22 pm  #11


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

You might want to read the latest blog post on the main site. "Do The Thing".


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

October 8, 2021 5:58 am  #12


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Hello everyone,

I have been away from the board for a while as I have discovered a closed support group on Facebook. These are real people who like me, have and are having similar experiences. There is a mutual bond between us and it does include social meet ups. Perhaps there is something similar for you fiddlesticks where you are located. 
 One thing I have noticed is that our situations are similar in a way. I spent years and years trying to understand what had gone so fundamentally wrong in our relationship. I looked at myself as the obvious cause and tried to change so much, that I actually forgot who I was on the way. The frequent bouts of abuse I faced were the projected anger of someone at odds with themselves. There comes a point where the lesbian self realisation washes over the women to be accepted as the new self identity. When this happens there is a genuine excitement about this new world of opportunity and a desire to reject the old world. Frequently, the male partner becomes a reminder of the old self and is then summarily rejected. The problems really start when there are two personas at play in the lesbian wife. She is still married, she may still be a mother and still has a need for a Father to be around. This results in a closeted gay woman, who may be afraid of judgement to the point where the husband becomes a necessary “beard” to maintain a level of social status and acceptance. 
 My wife has always possessed core masculine traits in her personality. In order for her to feel emotionally satisfied in an intimate relationship she needs to feel completed by interacting physically and emotionally with femininity. She is essentially femininity deficient and can only complete this part of her self by feeding on feminine energy from another. I cannot provide this for her, because my own masculine energy in the manifestation of my physical and emotional needs are at odds with her’s. My own desires can only be realised and sated by interaction with femininity. She does not feel like a fully actualised woman because she is deficient in femininity. She can present as feminine in public, and appear to be such. But, inside she is not comfortable with herself. The physical acts In homosexuality are a smokescreen that hides the true motive. To complete that essential part of one’s self by joining with another emotionally to take what you lack. Feminine lesbians look toward the masculine energies and behaviours of more masculinised women to meet this need. 
Male homosexuals fall into similar categories. They may have a deep down lack of confidence in their own masculinity that they can only feel by taking that from another man. The man who is receiving the sexual act from him, is submissively surrendering  his own masculinity which puts him touch with his own predominant femininity. This essentially feminine man's needs are nourished by his submission to anothre's masculinity. The ultimate expressions of what I like to think of as Gender Realisation would be in those who are trans. No matter how hard they search, they cannot feel there true self until they become either male or female. It is the only way they can self-actualise. There is nothing wrong with you, or what you need. You have your own masculine energy that requires the mutual nourishment found by forming a physical and emotional bond with femininity. You will find this in a heterosexual woman and she will thank you for it.
I have thought long and hard on this subject in trying to understand homosexuality and why certain individuals present in this way. The increase in the number of homosexuals in society has little to do with more generalised acceptance and more to with gender confusion. As feminism has closed the gap between men and women over the years, it has also blurred the lines of Gender Realisation. Men are not the same as they were fifty years ago. They are encouraged to "get in touch" with their feminine sides. Women, likewise have become more masculinised to the point where many now need to seek out femininity to satisfy self actualisation.

As the famous retort of lovers down the ages would have it. "You complete me"

4973 days...

Last edited by Ordinary guy (October 8, 2021 6:15 am)


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

October 8, 2021 6:19 am  #13


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

longwayhome wrote:

Yes, that’s it, that’s what was lacking, always lacking, but him being BI. I personally couldn’t ever nail it down. But this explanation ‘nails down’, in my opinion. Thank you for sharing.

Hi Longway,

Hope you are well! I have missed you X

He was trying to meet his feminine needs and masculine needs to become a complete self. It had nothing to do with physical pleasure seeking at a deep level. He was masculine deficient and could only come to you after taking this from another man.


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

October 8, 2021 7:53 am  #14


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

longwayhome wrote:

Yes, thank you OG, we’ve missed you too.

In all areas of life, not just in the bedroom, lack of masculine traits/energy. I think that energy, we feel from them gets communicated to us via our intuition. Maybe?

The Spidey sense that something doesn’t feel right. Yep, if the energy is wrong you can feel it.


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

October 8, 2021 12:17 pm  #15


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Hi OG,  nice to see you.  interesting post.  here are my thughts -

If you are married to a femme then you have a sexual compatibility of dominant/submissive - a masculine/feminine match and that emotional component is there but at heart remains the mismatch of orientation.  She can close her eyes as much as she likes but it is still a man she sees across the breakfast table in the morning.

And then there's the situation where the man is married to a closeted masculine lesbian.    

I think it helps to make that distinction - it doesn't shift around either, despite the levelling out of chemistry that happens as we age.

And Hi Fiddlesticks, I meant to reply earlier - the thing I can't help thinking about is that for a gay child growing up, it is likely one of their parents is a closet gay and how hard that would be.  But I hope that you realise it is time to put your sympathies on you now.  How you feel.

wishing you all the best  Lily

Last edited by lily (October 8, 2021 12:20 pm)

 

October 8, 2021 2:22 pm  #16


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Hi! I just want to jump in to recommend you document everything and start using email to communicate about really important issues. I have several that I kept regarding my GX and his sexuality and I've been able to leverage those emails at times to protect myself. 

Also, start telling some friends who have earned the right to hear your story (or a therapist). The feeling of shame & hopelessness starts to fade when you have someone who will listen without judgment.

My Ex and I are currently going through mediation after 2 years of living in the same house separated. This has taken a mental toll on me as much as dealing with a loveless marriage or the upheaval the outing caused me.

It's going to be hard, but as they say, "The only way out is through". I wish my situation was over and it could be if I had pushed through my fear earlier. Everyone is different though with different tolerances for despair but thankfully, this group is here to vent to once in a while.

Hugs from me too.

 

October 9, 2021 9:16 am  #17


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Thanks everyone, and for the advice. I'm struggling every day with new emotions and worries, even though I had felt this was real for so many years the realisation of an actual affair has had a much bigger impact that I could have known, reading some of the posts here I am begining to understand why that might be. It feel like before I could see the iceburg right ahead of me and now iv'e hit it! I will try to get some counciling but not sure how easy this will be to arrange yet, is it best just to go through my GP or should I look privately to egt someone more specialised. I did have some breifly years ago but the therapist didn't seem to much about this issue.
I also have a burning urge to confront my wife with what I do know, here are a few things I would like tosay, but I don't know if now is the right time, or if this is what I should be saying.....
I think you bi or a lesbian.
I think you are having an affair with your friend.
This is just what I think, I have no definitive proof and don’t intent to present you with any, but I want you to be honest with me about these things I think.

Is this worth the bother or am I just setting myself up for more personal stress?

I am also finding it really difficult not to snap at everything she says, she has always apparently worried about me, but now everytime I walk into the room I look like shit, worried, tired, like I have been crying again etc... I am doing my best to hide my emotions but that is prooving difficult, so she only has to ask are you okay and I tend to reply abrutply with something as close to the truth as I dare to get.

btw Ordinay Guy I have also joined a group more local to me, only yesterday but hopefully that will help. Thanks.

     Thread Starter
 

October 9, 2021 11:23 am  #18


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

fiddlesticks wrote:

I also have a burning urge to confront my wife with what I do know, here are a few things I would like to say, but I don't know if now is the right time, or if this is what I should be saying.....

I'm sorry you're going through these difficult feelings.
I tried this route for nearly 20 years and my husband always turned my questions against me and made me feel like I was just being insecure. In my experience, your wife will probably not fess up until you have undeniable, concrete evidence. And by letting her know what you do know, you will be alerting her to be more careful.

Personally, I would use this time to document behaviors, conversations and gather evidence. Don't let 20 years fly by like I did (30 years in my relationship). Take Care <3

 

 

October 9, 2021 12:57 pm  #19


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

I've got a burning urge going at the moment - I want to pour motor oil over the horrible old woman who did it to my cat... but see the trouble I'd be in if I acted on it.  

over the years I have discovered good things to do with a burning urge - get some physical task done, I have moved rocks in the garden and then wondered how I did it.  or do some writing.  get a pot finished.

Fiddlesticks, the thing I finally understood about my ex is there's an underhanded component.  I was being managed.

Impossible to see from within the relationship, but easy to see once I stepped back a bit.

The smart thing to do is, instead of confronting her, form a practical support group, doctor, lawyer, family friend, tell them.  And that's what I did eventually.  Started with going to the doctor for a general check up.  But first I tried talking to him, thinking maybe now he knows I know he's gay he will be honest with me.  Not a bit of it.  Then I stepped back a bit.  Now I am in my own home. 

Last edited by lily (October 9, 2021 1:00 pm)

 

October 10, 2021 2:36 am  #20


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

So what do I tell the kids when they ask, which they will and want to know all the details about why, what, how.....

Yesterday was a bad day, I couldn't hide my upset face, I had to keep going to the bathroom to cry and for my stomach to rebel. Eventually had way through the afternoon my wife asked me what's the matter, your stomach is bad, what's going on etc....
I didn't know what to say, she kept asking just tell me what's upsetting you and we can do something about it. I just kept asking her what have you done? I couldn't stop myself....
We has a stressful circular conversation for 10 minutes in which nothing really was said then she got angry.
Last night I slept in the spare room, today I am going to try and meet a friend. Mindfucked!

     Thread Starter
 

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