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September 21, 2021 12:31 pm  #131


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Hi Itsabouther-

The whole point of changing the name is to avoid having to choose between 'us or them'.  However, it is clear that changing the name from SSN has triggered you.  It also sounds to me as though it isn't really the SSN name change that is triggering you so much as it is the perceived loss of social cues and norms which perhaps never challenged straight white males like ourselves.  

I hear you about merit.  I do.  In the 1980s and 90s, we spent the better part of a full generation pretending to be color blind.  After the Civil Rights Movement, and the collective canonization of MLK, our society claimed it was a meritocracy.  However, straight white males tended to succeed in greater numbers than others under that setup as well.  Black males (and females) continued to be gunned down by police and private citizens.  Trayvon Martin was murdered for simply walking home with some Skittles.  Eric Garner was murdered for selling loose cigarettes.  Elijah McClain was tackled, given Ketamine, and murdered for -gasp- wearing a mask.  Do you remember Rodney King and the riots of 1992?  By the time we get to George Floyd, the Rodney King beating looks tame.

I know that these killings do not illuminate the vast improvements that have been made in our society since the 1960s. But they do help give us some valuable perspective.  We all still have work to do.

What does George Floyd have to do with your spouse being a lesbian?  On the surface, not much.  But below the surface, it has everything to do with it.  Why on Earth are there people who still choose to live in the closet?  Who still choose to deceive an intimate partner rather than living their truth?  Even for the narcissists, the answer is still about social acceptance.  

If we at the former SSN are not thinking in these terms, if we are not looking to make ourselves and our society more accepting, then we are not truly helping each other out of the twisted path that is ours.

 

September 21, 2021 1:46 pm  #132


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Victo, Of course narcissists want to be socially accepted   Much of the extremism and hatefulness on the political right and left is driven by people with deep-seated narcissistic traits.  I personally have no interest in "accepting" people who have NPD.  They're not running to therapists looking for a cure. To me, these behaviors are becoming too acceptable in our culture and if this trend continues there will be even more victims of their control and abuse, in their personal relationships and beyond  ie, individuals like us and organizations like SSN.

Last edited by Lynne (September 21, 2021 2:24 pm)

 

September 21, 2021 2:42 pm  #133


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Victo wrote:

....... if we are not looking to make ourselves and our society more accepting, then we are not truly helping each other out of the twisted path that is ours.

 

Looking from halfway round the world...yip, race has nothing to do with my straightspouse journey. As for acceptance you can't expect acceptance if somebody can't see exactly what it is they're accepting. At first glance, if this was 4 years ago when I was searching for a place of understanding I would have dismissed Ourpath as a spiritual website.
We need a straightspouse rainbow but there are no colours left.

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 21, 2021 4:31 pm  #134


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Acceptance and inclusion has everything to do with our journeys as straight spouses. 

And it is historical fact that conversations around inclusion began with race and civil rights and developed from there into conversations around gender rights, homosexual rights, trans rights, etc….

And, all that said, it would be great if we could stop talking about everybody’s rights and start talking about everybody’s responsibility.

You have the full right to be a lesbian and marry another lesbian, but you have the responsibility to not hoodwink an unsuspecting straight person and force them into your closet.

 

September 21, 2021 5:45 pm  #135


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

No sigh of relief from me at all, Itsabouther - been enjoying your posts.

Elle, yes I would have dismissed OurPath as a spiritual website too.  The Straight Spouse Network came up on the first page when I typed in why do straight women marry gay men.  Why would OurPath come up?   even if it did I would have dismissed it as only being there as a group recruitment thing.

In terms of creating a place in the public arena where straight spouses could find us I see no reason to abandon what we had.

 

Last edited by lily (September 21, 2021 5:46 pm)

 

September 21, 2021 9:44 pm  #136


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

yes, that's a good plan. If I were more able to do it I would be setting up a new forum - call it the Straight Spouse Forum. 

I might be wrong but I think it is still a question of keeping a forum in the public arena which is visible on a google search by the straight spouses who are looking for it.

I think it's nice to have a friendly forum, I genuinely like being inclusive but I find the idea of being inclusive when SSN was initially set up to reach out to the Straight Spouses, who we know are already swimming in the word salad of denial, bizarre.  like a snake swallowing it's own tail or something.  

to my tired old soul it sounds like we've been given our marching orders back into the oubliette.  not even the name straight spouse remains, let alone the accretion of all our stories.  no back into the anything goes spaghetti salad for you.

When the British Navy arrived here in Australia they did some awful things, abused the initial friendly civility of the locals and then when they had the numbers, pretended the original inhabitants hadn't fought for their lands and declared it Terra Nullius instead.  Empty land.  They claimed ownership of it by stripping the locals of their human status.  that meant they had to treat them extra bad.

people are so cute aren't they.  and nice as it is of Victo to want to shoulder the responsibility it's not really like that is it, it's women too, it's all of us.  Not to say there aren't all sorts.  Right on that first ship there was an Englishman, included to set up a weather station he was up on a headland getting to know the locals on his own terms and he fought against the abuse and ended up spending his whole life fighting against slavery.

Last edited by lily (September 21, 2021 9:58 pm)

 

September 22, 2021 8:12 am  #137


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

I agree that Straight Spouse Network is a better name. 

 

September 28, 2021 9:46 pm  #138


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

On the OurPath page, up the top and along at the end there is a heading Resourses and in the dropdown I see, as expected, resorces for straight partners, partners of trans, but under that I see resources for the LGBTQ partner.
Along from Resources I found News. In the dropdown I find the sub-heading In The News....."Check here for major news items pertaining to LGBT+ issues that affect Straight Partners, Partners of Trans People and their families." not 
"Check here for major news items that affect Straight Partners, Partners of Trans People and their families... pertaining to LGBT+ issues" like it's been written not for the straightspouse community but for the LGBTQ+ other lot. 

My first thought was...oh, you're inviting the very people who hurt the straightspouse to come in and witness our pain. My next thought was...I suppose next we'll have LGBTQ members joining the Forum.

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 28, 2021 11:01 pm  #139


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Elle,  What a series of gut punches that was to read through.  Welcome abusers. 

 

September 29, 2021 12:32 am  #140


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Lynne wrote:

Elle,  What a series of gut punches that was to read through.  Welcome abusers. 

 
It all seems a bit PC. THIS IS *my* space, not my partners. Mine!

#$(?!!*


KIA KAHA                       
 

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