OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 of 1- Mette
- New member
Offline
New here - just found out my husband might be gay
hello everybody
I am writing to you all from Denmark and English is not my first language (I'm Danish) so please excuse spelling and grammar mistakes :-) I found this website last night and there aren't any similar groups or ressources in Denmark. Yesterday my husband (been together 11 years, married 7 years, no kids) left to attend at seminar in another city in Denmark. Later last night his internet search-history was for some reason visible on our ipad (I honestly didn't snoop) and I saw that he had researched gay cruising areas in the city where the seminar is and also visited gay chatrooms. I couldn't sleep at all last night and this morning I wrote him a text confronting him. He called me right back and was in tears and said that he didn't know why he had visited those websites and chatrooms. I asked him pointblank if he is gay and he said he didn't know. He told me he had been with a man at some point during our marriage, but not much else. He also told me that he has never talked to anybody else about his sexuality before I asked him this moning. In a way I feel really sorry for him because that must be really hard, and at this point I don't feel any anger (maybe that wil come at a later stage), I just feel an overwhelming sadness. We have a good marriage, we share many interests, have the same sense of humor and so on, and I really feel he is my best friend. He told me this morning that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I must admit I think our marriage is over because I don't wan't to be married to a gay man and I also don't want to hold him back. But I would very much like for him to be in my life and vice versa once we get out on the other side of this. Is that normal? - I would have imagined that I would be really angry with him for his betrayal, but I just don't feel that emotion. As I mentioned my husband hasn't told anybody about this and I don't want to "out" him and therefore can't really share this with anybody, which is very hard. Do you have any advice on how to deal with that and this whole situation?
Best regards
Mette
- walkbymyself
- Member
Offline
Re: New here - just found out my husband might be gay
I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
It can take a while for your true feelings to come to the surface. It can take a while for his true feelings to come to the surface, and a lot of cheating spouses initially will do or promise anything to keep you. They don't always think through whether they can really keep their promises, and they often don't think through what kind of a marriage it would be for us.
There can also be a tendency to "confess" in baby steps, as if testing to see what your reaction will be. You should prepare yourself for at least the possibility that there's been more than what he's actually acknowledged to you.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: New here - just found out my husband might be gay
Mette wrote:
.......... my husband hasn't told anybody about this and I don't want to "out" him and therefore can't really share this with anybody, which is very hard.....
Welcome to our Forum Mette. One of the most heartbreaking aspects of learning our husbands are LGBTQ is being torn between not wanting to upset the equilibrium in the relationship we have with our partners ( which for many of us had always been great )...and feeling we need to tell somebody, not to 'out' anybody but simply to have someone listen to our confusion and anxiety.
But if you think about it your husband has no problem researching gay sites and chatting with others so it's obvious he's comfortable in that environment and okay for other gay men to know who & what he is.....so really by keeping all this to yourself will only perpetuate the confusion you're feeling. Now you know his secret, and he knows you know....he'll probably use your emotions, your love for him to keep you silent. He's admitted he's been with a man...but doesn't know why he visited those websites? Of course he knows why!
There is a First Aid Kit on the General board if you haven't seen it with some helpful information. I would suggest you go to your doctor and get tested for any Sexually Transmitted Infection (STIs).
This is your health, your body, your life. Gay/bisexual men don't think about the harm they may do to the people who love them because they're so wrapped up in their secret it's often too difficult to be honest.
Once again Mette...welcome. Read, ask questions, post as much as you want. There are men and women from all over the world who are members here, and many more who aren't registered but who know there is information and compassion in the words they read. You are not alone.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Mette
- New member
Offline
Re: New here - just found out my husband might be gay
Hello again
First of all thank you for your responses. It is comforting to know that there is a way through this whole mess even though it’s a rocky one.
My husband cut his trip short and came home yesterday. I told him that I don’t really see a future for our marriage because I can’t be married to a gay man. It would be wrong for both of us and we would both end up resenting each other and I really don’t want that to happen. We talked about that we have to be honest with each other even if it’s hard and we also talked about how we both would like to be in each others lives if it is at all possible when all of this is over. Maybe I’m trying to ease the blow and just fooling my self but the thought of him not being in my life is completely devastating. I still care very much for him and he is my best friend.
I know that he has betrayed me with his infidelity but somehow I just can’t be mad at him. He is really confused about his sexuality and he has made arrangements to see a therapist later this week. I really think he needs help to figure out what all this means.
Again, thank you for your responses, I really appreciate Them.
Mette
- •
Thread Starter- Gloria
- Member
Offline
Re: New here - just found out my husband might be gay
You are most welcome Mette. My gay ex never admitted that he was gay but I saw several red flags and two of his friends told me that he made verbal advances towards them. At first, I was shocked. It was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. I broke up with him about a year after the discovery and now I am happily married to someone else. Please continue to post. I know how you feel.
- Daryl
- Member
Offline
Re: New here - just found out my husband might be gay
Mette, you may also want some time with a therapist to understand what this means for you. Whatever direction you both decide, I think complete honesty and communication will be critical. Don't overlook the possibility that your desire for him to get help might stifle your need to feel any hurt and anger that should be released. Some of us are 'fixers', sometimes to our own detriment.
Be well.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- tdecker823
- New member
Offline
Re: New here - just found out my husband might be gay
I'm sorry to see you are in the same boat as me. I found mine on gay sites and messaging men. He is my best friend and it hurts what he did and it hurts to think of leaving him.