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September 22, 2021 5:04 pm  #21


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

iamconfused,

I can imagine how stressful it is for you to watch and wait.  Would it help to tell your wife your fears, if you haven't already?  I do hope she's supporting you.

It may help to visit your own therapist to see you through this uncertain time. A high level of stress is unhealthy for your mind and body. They can help you set clear boundaries with your wife such as giving her a time limit to decide on your future together.  It's fair to you to know when you'll have your answer.

Take care.

Maria

Edited to fix spellcheck problem.

Last edited by MJM017 (September 22, 2021 5:49 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

September 22, 2021 5:39 pm  #22


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think the responses are very good advice for you.  I would add that getting some counseling for yourself could be very helpful.  Being able to share with a counselor with no judgements is a relief, it was for myself.  You might be surprised at how people response to you coming out to them about your wife.  It can be a mixed bag of thoughts, and ideas, you never know for sure.  You need to be ready and speaking with counselor first might really help get your own thoughts and feelings out before you come out of the closet yourself. 
 

 

September 23, 2021 1:21 pm  #23


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

So my wife has been encouraging me to get out of the house and go spend time with guy friends.  I am struggling to understand why she is pushing this so much.  Does she want me to get used to the idea of being away from her?  Does she just need space without me around (she will have to watch the kids anyway).

We have a guys camping trip scheduled in October and I know what is going to happen.  I'm going to get stuck in my head the whole trip.  Wonder what she is doing and who she is talking to.  I will be depressed and anxious and all the guys are going to wonder what is going on.

Anyone here have a gay spouse who was encouraging them to get away for a bit?  She's really been pushing for us each to spend some time for ourselves lately and balancing the kids. Just has me wondering what's in her head.

Last edited by Iamsoconfused (September 23, 2021 1:22 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

September 23, 2021 1:37 pm  #24


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Iamsoconfused wrote:

So my wife has been encouraging me to get out of the house and go spend time with guy friends.  I am struggling to understand why she is pushing this so much.  Does she want me to get used to the idea of being away from her?  Does she just need space without me around (she will have to watch the kids anyway).

We have a guys camping trip scheduled in October and I know what is going to happen.  I'm going to get stuck in my head the whole trip.  Wonder what she is doing and who she is talking to.  I will be depressed and anxious and all the guys are going to wonder what is going on.

Anyone here have a gay spouse who was encouraging them to get away for a bit?  She's really been pushing for us each to spend some time for ourselves lately and balancing the kids. Just has me wondering what's in her head.

None of us can say what her motive is...but if you have the chance to get away with friends: Take it...Allow yourself a break from all this. I think the space will actually be very good for you. I wish I'd done the same myself. 

 

September 23, 2021 2:08 pm  #25


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Iamsoconfused,

Yeah my GX had encouraged me to join a sport once a week.   I enjoyed it a lot and it gave me sanity and stress relief. She also encouraged me meeting up with some of my work friends.

But it was double edged sword..she had her girlfriend and her girlfriends kids over when I was out.  She also then would argue with me saying I go out so so should she. But I was not having sex with my friends and she did not have to worry about that.  She knew damn well why I was upset when she went out...but would try to make me feel bad for being upset and use that excuse..

So sorry.  Gather strength and support.  Know that your feelings are true and moral..


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

September 23, 2021 2:38 pm  #26


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Iamsoconfused wrote:

.Anyone here have a gay spouse who was encouraging them to get away for a bit? 

 

Nope, I have a bisexual partner who messed me up so much emotionally that for a while I didn't know which way was up! It always seemed he was trying to pull me back into sexual/open r'ship he was comfortable with. 
Thankfully I pulled myself up out of the hole I was in, the dark, deep hole where I was too afraid to be apart from my partner for any length of time.... and arranged for my own 5 week holiday. My 4 children all live in different parts of the country so I visited them all. 
Once upon a time I would be suspicious (just like you) that my partner had ulterior motives. It's a draining space to be in right?

That guys weekend sounds like a great chance to work on being away from your wife

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 24, 2021 1:21 pm  #27


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

By all means, go on your trip. It's healthy to have fun!

My late GIDXH wanted to be with me constantly during my free time. He wasn't ever honest about his preference for men. He made sure I didn't have girlfriends to confide in about my suspicions.

I hope the trip is relaxing!


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

September 24, 2021 10:06 pm  #28


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

P.S. Gut feelings are right most of the time.

When I first met my ex-h, I thought why is this gay man fawning all over me? What's wrong with him?  I ignored it. It turned out to be on target.

I sure hope you go on your trip. Taking a break from home will give you a fresh perspective.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

September 28, 2021 6:21 pm  #29


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

My wife came home from therapy today and told me her therapist is recommending she get on some antidepressants.  Also recommended a few couples therapists.  My wife made it a point to mention to me that her depression is not a result of what we have going on so not to connect them together (I'll let the therapist be the judge there).

Can anyone relate to their spouse being depressed as it related to their sexual identity?  I can't help wonder if her telling me she thinks she's queer is a result of some of the issues we got going on in our relationship.  Has anyone had experience with a spouse coming out and then deciding they were wrong after all?  Is it even possible that a person could turn another person gay if they were that unhappy?  Just trying to make sense of it all and where her mind is at.

Last edited by Iamsoconfused (September 28, 2021 6:22 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

September 28, 2021 7:05 pm  #30


Re: Wife of 10 years and 2 kids on our anniversary tells me she is queer

Iamsoconfused wrote:

......
Can anyone relate to their spouse being depressed as it related to their sexual identity?  I can't help wonder if her telling me she thinks she's queer is a result of some of the issues we got going on in our relationship. .....

 
I know this is not what you want to hear but I'm further along this road than you and have ceased blaming myself and trying to fix us or find answers.
I am now celibate. That is what this whole thing has done. I have compartmentalized our non-existent sex life from our everyday life. If my partner decides he does want to fulfill his bisexual side... So be it. It'll be another step along my path

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

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