Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Comments in red 

Iamsoconfused wrote:

So how do I deal with all these trust issues I am having all of a sudden? Trust is the collateral damage in all this. What hurts the most is our partners/wives/husbands don't seem to 'see' trust the same as us. In my situation my partner told me I had to move on and put it behind me, the mistrust, as if the trust I had in him means nothing. It was quite unbelievable and demoralising for me. 
This weekend she went to visit a friend a few hours away for her baby shower. I was home with the kids. It was the worst weekend for me,.I am over thinking everything and all of a sudden I don't trust her despite her not giving me a reason to not trust her. She has given you a reason to feel like you can't trust her though?. But the mistrust is yours so as brutal as I may sound....you have to deal with it. At the start of my own Mindfuck I was like you, my world in disarray/confused about who I was to my partner/not wanting to lose what I had and as individuals we all do this differently (I was a wreck, I must have cried solid for a year...which was easier for me than it will be for you because my children are adults so I could concentrate on my pain. But as soon as the switch inside me flicked on and I started looking at myself as an individual, not a couple, decisions became easier to make. I actually gave myself a time limit after reading that many couples in straight/bisexual r'ships last 3 years after the initial "I think I might be gay/bisexual" admission. I decided "okay, after 3 years I'll see how I feel" In those 3 years I saw a lawyer (it's crucial to know where you stand in all this. It may feel like a really bad move, make you feel guilty but you need advice. You have little ones to think of.
I've noticed a new found energy she has a bit despite some health issues. She's doing her makeup,. Getting dressed, going out more. I can't help but think she's always decided who she is. How do I protect myself and my kids while still being supportive?
You protect yourself by thinking of yourself and your children.The new energy/make-up/going out is her being comfortable with who she is and I believe many gay/bisexual people think it's okay to have cake at home but go out  and eat it too. As for being supportive.....would you be supportive if it was a man she was going out with?  

Elle
 

Weirdly enough if she was actually going out and seeing people it would be over I think.  Seeing a man would be unforgivable but for some reason since she is attracted to women it's different? She's specifically told me that she would never do that to me while we are married and she does not want to hurt me like that. The only thing she really admitted to was saying she would date a woman if we were not married. She says she's trying to figure out if she's more than queer.  She says she's attracted to masculinity but not sure if that's a man or a woman.  She seems to think she was raised to grow up and marry a man that's she's been suppressing feelings due to Patriarchal society. She's had fantasies and fetishes about women but never acted on them. Won't tell me more than that until she's ready.

Intimacy is non existent right now and I'm craving attention and not getting it from her.  I fear this will be a deal breaker in the future and ultimately end the marriage as she has explicitly told me she's not interested in any intimate relationship at the moment.

Iamsoconfused, that sounds a very confusing and deeply hurtful situation.

Keep being the steady reliable presence for your children.

I agree with Elle, I'd advise seeing a lawyer to see what divorce looks like for you - laws differ and can be complex so see a local person.

That is concrete information that can help you weigh up your own options.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  You aren't alone.  You're about to start a very slow climb up a  very steep mountain.  The more support you can get from trusted family, friends, counselor, etc. the better and the easier the climb will be if they can carry some of that weight with you.  You will need their support all along the way.  One step at a time.  If she cares for you she will understand that.  

 

Ordinary guy wrote:

Weirdly enough if she was actually going out and seeing people it would be over I think.  Seeing a man would be unforgivable but for some reason since she is attracted to women it's different? She's specifically told me that she would never do that to me while we are married and she does not want to hurt me like that. The only thing she really admitted to was saying she would date a woman if we were not married. She says she's trying to figure out if she's more than queer.  She says she's attracted to masculinity but not sure if that's a man or a woman.  She seems to think she was raised to grow up and marry a man that's she's been suppressing feelings due to Patriarchal society. She's had fantasies and fetishes about women but never acted on them. Won't tell me more than that until she's ready.

Intimacy is non existent right now and I'm craving attention and not getting it from her.  I fear this will be a deal breaker in the future and ultimately end the marriage as she has explicitly told me she's not interested in any intimate relationship at the moment.

The Patriarchal reference is straight from the Lesbian master doc. The reason her seeing another woman doesn’t seem to trouble you so much is you think a woman can’t replace you. This is a normal response.

She's not seeing anyone right now or is she interested from what she told me. She said she wouldn't do that while we are married.  So really I'm just trying to be the best husband and father that I can be while we works with her therapist.

I've been having good days and bad days.  The better days seem to be when she is around as we still have a family dynamic.  She's she out and I am with the kids is when I go crazy and can feel my stress levels going up.  It's hard for me to be away from her right now.  I think it's the first issues that I am having.  At this point who knows what is going to happen.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think the responses are very good advice for you.  I would add that getting some counseling for yourself could be very helpful.  Being able to share with a counselor with no judgements is a relief, it was for myself.  You might be surprised at how people response to you coming out to them about your wife.  It can be a mixed bag of thoughts, and ideas, you never know for sure.  You need to be ready and speaking with counselor first might really help get your own thoughts and feelings out before you come out of the closet yourself.