NaiveWife wrote:

I am completely shocked to discover by accident that my late husband was bisexual.  I had no clue.  I am heterosexual and thought he was too.  Last week I needed to find some old paperwork and got into his old email account.  In the send folder were Craigs List messages with pornographic pictures of him, suggestions and plans to meet with men and transexuals, and comments where he identified as bi.  I am beyond confused.  How did I never know or suspect this?  How could the man I loved cheat on me?  I go back and forth between anger at the lies and sadness that he felt he couldn't share this with me.   I suspect he married me knowing he was bi and chose to not tell me.  Any suggestions on reconciling my feelings?  I'm afraid to tell his or my family or friends.  I hear so often how we were the most connected, perfect couple and how wonderful he was.  I used to think so to.  Not I'm not so sure.  Also, should I get tested for STDs?  He passed 1.5 years ago.  

 

Welcome to the Straightspouse Forum Not meaning to sound (too) harsh....your late husband must have been a secretive and wily man, for you not to have had an inkling there was something amiss. And he's kind of left you with the ball in your court....and nobody to pass it back too. 
Definitely...talk, talk, talk. A close friend or family member, or a therapist with a skill in this area. Here on the Forum as well You'll have a ton of questions and no true answers from the man concerned. 

This is a great place full of helpful people

Elle
 

NaiveWife wrote:

Thank you for your response.  I thought my late husband was the most honest, moral man I knew.  .......When he was very sick and we knew he would pass, I told him that I would wear the ring after he died (but maybe move it to my right hand)  to always remember him.  Now I'm torn about how I feel about him.  

 

Hmm...my partner of 37 years was THE most wonderful guy too, but you know...people change. Some of them are honest about it and some aren't. I'm still with my partner but I used to wear a Pounamu, a greenstone, around my neck. It meant Infinity which I believed in. I no longer wear it
 

Dear NaiveWife,

So sorry this happened to you.  It's a shock for sure. It complicates your grief and mourning of your late husband.

I would strongly suggest as have others have posted to get support by leaning on trusted friends, family and a therapist. You may want to find one who specializes in trauma and grief  You don't want to spin into a depression over your late husband's secret activities. Don't blame yourself for his betrayal. It was him, not you.

I had a long term marriage to a man who seemed to be gay though he denied it when I asked. I never found proof. We divorced and he passed away a few months later. I found proof on an open Twitter account (never knew he had it). He propositioned a trans woman. They looked like an older man wearing a women's wig.

It was a shock but am glad I found it. The truth made me stronger.


Maria

Edited to add - My late GIDXH was the perfect fiancé. I thought I was lucky. He changed for the worse after our wedding. I threw away my wedding dress, ripped up our wedding photos,  and threw my e- and wedding rings into the ocean after he left.  It was cathartic then and still puts a big smile on my face.

Last edited by MJM017 (September 21, 2021 1:05 am)

I think my husband overplayed the role of "strict Catholic" in order to gaslight himself even as he was gaslighting me.  I was the one with the more bohemian background (pre-marriage, of course, I would never have cheated on him).  I was the one always being made to feel morally inferior.

But as for your situation, I found out my husband's secret and had the conversation you were denied.  So for what it's worth, I'd asked him whether he thought he'd be able to keep this secret forever.  He responded candidly "I thought it would all come out after I was dead."  

To me that was devastatingly selfish, but this is actually the way he was.  If he didn't have to face the consequences, nothing about the pain he was leaving to me bothered him.

You have to make your own choices, and as longwayhome points out, it will have consequences.  I think you should not be forced to keep a secret that pains you but doesn't benefit you in any way, but it's up to you.  Some of his family and friends may have already known, or suspected, and unless the air is cleared you will never really feel confident that they did right by you. 

Knowing what you know, is it painful for you to be told what a perfect couple you were?

Hi,

My GID husband passed away a few months after our divorce. It was difficult to hear people's natural response of sympathy and offers of help.

He died almost four years ago. The offers of support and sympathy dried up about two years ago. It'll fade for you, too.

My family didn't know he was gay because we didn't spend much time with them.  He kept me isolated so I had work buddies only. They never met him.   

I am choosing to tell people who I know won't judge me, will believe me & won't gossip. That's very few people.  My path of healing has been not to tell. I want to be in control of the narrative. It will hurt my feelings if it leaves my control.

I feel sad for him and mad at him simultaneously.  His family was not kind. I heard he had a friendless childhood & spent time alone in his room listening to music. Am guessing he was called a sissy.

In spite of that, he had no business duping me.  We lived in the gay mecca of the US and am still here. He was safe and would receive 100% support living freely as a gay man. 

I hope it all works out for you.