OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


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September 16, 2021 10:20 pm  #121

Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Daryl wrote:

The name of the org and the website does not define my identity nor do I feel betrayed. Betrayal usually means something like a promise made that is then rescinded. I don't feel that has happened here.

 If the SSN name confuses people, then a name change is the right move, in my opinion.

What's in a name?  the Straight Spouse Network offered support - it's not a binding contract or a promise between two people  but it was a promise of sorts.  and included a hands holding logo.  Amity Buxton has helped so many with the dynamism of her heartfelt reaching out to other straight spouses and saying you're not alone.  She has literally been inspiring, touched me I know that for sure.  And watching her video on the new website gave me reassurance, but maybe she is retiring?, idk - the feeling I've had is that the whole focus of the organisation now called OurPath has been shifting a bit for some time.

well you know what.  the pain is real.  oh boy.  there's a lot of it around.  sometimes you don't want the help of a therapist so much as the honest unsanitised conversation of people who are or were in your shoes, hats off to Amity Buxton starting the Straight Spouse Network.  Hats off to the people who have moderated this forum and kept it a safe place.

We could of course dump the S word, go for extra syllables and call this the Heterosexual Spouses Support Mob - catchy isn't it.  Somehow though, I get the feeling that would be unacceptable too.

all the best, everyone, Lily


Last edited by lily (September 16, 2021 10:23 pm)


September 17, 2021 12:05 pm  #122

Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

I like the new site.  I like the videos.  I like the testimonials.  I like that it finally feels like I am visiting a group that exists in the 2020s and not stuck in the 1990s.

If anything, my biggest complaint about the old SSN site is it always felt a bit like a club of people who really bonded and got something out of it back in 1999-2003, but who neglected to pay it forward.  The not-so-subtle message was ‘Shoulda been here years ago because nobody cares anymore.’

However, the obvious truth is that there is a dedicated and hard working team of people behind the scenes who have dared to try something new in order to revitalize something in desperate need.

They have steered the old decrepit SSN into a new era. 

Based on what I see on this new site, I’m a believer that the people running this organization have a vision and are implementing it.  Amen!


September 17, 2021 5:10 pm  #123

Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

personally I think the only real option we had as a site for straights was to hold onto the name, Straight Spouse Network and the built in history of linking to it - stay small potatoes.



September 18, 2021 2:00 am  #124

Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Kel wrote:

... they can't have a company with the word "straight" in their name listed on their roster of nonprofits they donate to. And do you know why? Because a few years back when white supremacists started holding straight pride marches, they effed it all up for us. And no, we can't "educate" corporations about it. What they're worried about is other non-educated individuals seeing them in a bad light because they're helping an organization with the word straight in their name..

Why do you keep repeating this falsehood? The Straight Pride Parade was not a white supremacist event. You are perpetuating a completely fabricated claim and using that claim to justify the decision. This is just one part of wider social movement to make heterosexuality and cis people out to be bad (either directly or by association).

I understand why you can't educate corporate suits. They don't care about truth. They only wish to jump onto a social movement that might reap power and money for themselves. However, you can choose not to perpetuate the falsehood yourself. The board could choose not to align this organization with the ever bending of reality to meet the goals of others, and just stand firm in public. A few hundred people get called "white supremacist" (with no evidence in favor and tons against the claim) and use the phrase "Straight Pride". In response to this pile of nothing, this site change's its name?

We should have had a delegation at a parade with a name like this! After all, the feeling of "pride" doesn't just belong to the gay spouse, does it? I have been told that "Pride" isn't about being actually proud anyway, just not feeling alone, isolated, and closeted up. Well, doesn't that sound familiar to those here? Straight spouses could do for some of that. However, we aren't allowed to feel this way, are we? We are just supposed to be "allies". So, when people heard there would be a "straight pride" parade, the attendees were vilified before anyone protesting them even knew who would be there or why. They were slandered for simply saying "straight pride." Again, as it turned out, it was little more than a small band of Trump supporters, lead by a white gay man with a black gay husband - all for a laugh at the pearl clutching masses of leftists.

What if it was called the heterosexual pride event? Would you drop that word? At some point, which was a long time ago, people need to stand their ground. Heck, even if the little parade was what you and propagandists falsely claim it was, SO WHAT? A singular and nothing event in one city? We have more members than that parade had participants several times over. Why should we be expected to change?

Oh, yes, because the public doesn't want to find out that some company gave money to anything with the word "straight' in the name. Well, guess what that makes us straight people? Presumed guilty (just like the parade attendees). You are perpetuating the injustice done to the parade attendees onto us.

I am fine, in all honesty, with the name change - but I abhor and reject this capitulating justification based on a lie - a lie designed strictly to belittle those that don't cooperate with leftism and desire to stigmatize and diminish straight people. They will come for this site, eventually, regardless of the name. Arguably, they already have, and this thread proves it. Leftist agenda inserted, yet again, where it has no place. Calling ourselves SSN isn't conservative or white supremacist - its factual. Doing otherwise, to satisfy one side of a sociopolitical movement is to become partisan, not avoid doing so. OurPath is a name that's okay, I guess. Its just this reasoning I cannot accept.

I genuinely appreciate this site's existence and those that helped it to be here when I needed it.


September 18, 2021 2:47 pm  #125

Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Falsehood or not, the perception is there. The reality is that any foundation that might otherwise be interested in funding us is put off by the old name. You may disagree with why, but that's the reality. As it is, the organization runs on a shoestring budget funded entirely by individuals who wish to give back, and staffed by mostly volunteers. As long as we are perceived by outside sources as homophobic, even though we know we are not, we will not be able to grow and reach more of those who need us. Sorry you think our potential donors are librul woke snowflakes or whatever you wish to call them, but we can't afford to alienate them.


September 18, 2021 3:30 pm  #126

Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Sam (Admin) wrote:

....As long as we are perceived by outside sources as homophobic, even though we know we are not, we will not be able to grow and reach more of those who need us. ....

When the LGBTQ community began.... were they considered straight-phobic? Did they have people say "if we're to be seen and accepted we can't be seen to go up against a *straight majority"...?


KIA KAHA                       

September 18, 2021 10:08 pm  #127

Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

And that is why we are all on here. For that mutual support. We might have differences, different view points but this network is a flag of hope to us all.

Let admin do what they need to do for this sight's existance, it's not going to change who we really are, and how we support each other. It's my ex's behaviour and decisions that caused me heartache. I don't hate gays or lesbians walking down the street past me. We will never be able to change WHO they are. It's this one individual in my life who has made wrong choices from the beginning and who's behaviour has had a devastating impact on me, who has stuffed up my 29 years of marriage. For sure, I will attack his choices and behaviour! And rub the pain in his face....

We will continue to say it as it is, how it has been, and carve the way forward for each other here, little by little, in order for us to move forward. We know what has become of the world out there, it is pretty clear. It's not getting any better. Let's keep sharing our heartaches.. to get healed.  (WE with respect! )

"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).

September 18, 2021 10:26 pm  #128

Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

I have tried the following search on Google: "I think my husband is gay and I need support" .There were literally 100's of articles, research, blogs etc. When I got to page 5 of my Google search I stopped . There was no mention of OurPath and 1or 2 mentioning the SSN. This web-site is amazing and helped me immensely when my husband, of 38 years married and together for 42 years, told me he is gay. I also then only realized the SSN exists because I read an article by Bonny Kaye and the SSN was mentioned.  I think the most important consideration is to ensure that newbies are aware of it's existence. Is there no way that something could be done to ensure that straight men or woman(obviously newbies) can actually find this web-site easily in a time of need? If more people are reached, there will be more members and I think this could also be a positive for external  funding. Sorry if I miss something. I am not a computer expert and do not have any idea how search engines' work. 


September 18, 2021 11:12 pm  #129

Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

I think we did better on the old Voy forum.  It was when we shifted off that forum, which was working fine as far as I could see that I first started to get a feeling this forum was shifting direction.

replacing the informative name Straight Spouse Network with the generic title of OurPath can't have improved things!

It's sad, the irony is heavy - the straight spouse network that doesn't want to stick up for straights any more.



September 19, 2021 9:56 am  #130

Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN


I am also a straight white male in America.

It is inarguable that people who look like me have enjoyed certain privileges of opportunity throughout the history of our society.

That said, it must be recognized that with those privileges has come incredible responsibility.  And pressure.

Be a man.  It’s a man’s world.  Suck it up.  There’s no crying in baseball.

No wonder so many feminists call masculinity “toxic”.  If they had been raised to behave this way, they too would be suffering substance abuse, mental health breakdowns, homelessness and early death at the rates men are.

Add to that the additional gender mindfuck stresses of being a straight spouse to a lesbian?  I hear you, itsabouther.  I’m there with you.

But the larger society is made up of many people who do not think this way.  They see a reductionist history of straight white male authority figures just by looking at the money and the street names and find it easy to tweet about oppression without really thinking through the actual structures of power that have delivered our society to this present moment.

Again, they see the privilege of opportunity, but don’t recognize or calculate the cost of that opportunity.

I know you are not arguing against a society that awards opportunity by merit.  I’m not going to disrespect you and assume that your desire to be respected as a straight white male means you are a terrible racist and sexist asshole.  Of course not! 

But not everyone will be so generous in our online culture.  They see someone wanting to be respected as a straight white male, and they are triggered.  And they launch a dangerous online attack (crusade) against your very humanity.

Over what is essentially their own prejudice.

Now.  All that is the backdrop for the online world we are living in today.  Regardless of whether I like this scenario, I recognize it as the world we are living in.

In THIS world, the name OurPath is preferable to SSN because it does not trigger anyone.

I don’t love the name OurPath because it is a tad generic.  But I don’t cringe at it like I did at SSN because I always knew that SSN was triggering to a bunch of people.  Not to me, so much, but to others who act on emotion and don’t take the time to think things through.

My hope is that you yourself can take a deep breath and understand that the name change is not directed at you personally.  It is about inclusivity.  And I am taking the time to write a long post which, I hope, both understands you and explains the larger idea.

I hear you, itsabouther.  I really do.  Love, respect and understanding to you.


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