I don't know if you guys remember, but I posted a good month or so about how my sister's husband may also be gay (in addition to my own ex).  I want to tell you what she's been through this week, because the past few days have been SO.MUCH, and yet she's done it.  It's a good example of just how much you can pull yourself through when you need to.

First, a bit of background:  Sis had already started divorce proceedings for other reasons - him never having a job, being overly self-indulgent and emotionally unavailable to her and their young children.  Drug and alcohol abuse, bi-polar disorder, multiple suicide attempts, just.... the works.  This is a woman with a fair amount of money, due to her own businesses.  To the outsider, her life looks perfect.  Both she and her husband are both beautiful-looking individuals, they live a somewhat lavish lifestyle with several yearly vacations, expensive cars, and many friends.  To those of us within the family (her parents and siblings), we know better.  We've seen her spark fade, despite all attempts to hide it from everyone.  We see the void in her - where her eyes aren't matching the smile on her lips.  She's struggled for years in pain, and just wants to end things so she can be rid of some of the daily struggle that he's added to her stressful life.  It's been 9 years of this, progressively getting worse.  She's given this man everything anyone could ever want or need, including intensive therapy away from the home.  She's raising the kids as a single parent, despite having a so-called partner.  She's tired and just wants some relief.  She's a good woman, and she was trying to be very generous in the divorce - she would have to pay him support (of up to $75k/year for the next SEVEN years!), AND raise the kids alone.  He wanted 50/50 custody, but she didn't think that'd be good for the kids in any way.  He can't support himself - how is he going to support the kids?  You don't let a jobless, mentally unbalanced alcoholic and drug addict take the kids half the time.  Just.... NO.  He was billing himself as a full-time stay-at-home dad (even though the kids are in school full-time now and they've had nannies all these years), and as such, his lawyer advised him not to move out of the family home, lest it be seen as abandonment and affects his chances at custody.  He's been holding out the custody as his bargaining chip; he'll sign the paperwork if she gives him EVERYthing he wants - including 50/50 custody.  And so they both remain in the home, the kids unaware of what's going on.

Then this last week happened.  The kids were at school and he was to go see a rental house.  She was encouraged (even though she'd have to pay for it all).  He told her while upstairs in their home that he wasn't going anywhere until he got the paperwork signed - with 50/50 custody.  She told him that he can't support himself - why did he think it was good for the kids to be his to raise, too?  A look came into his eyes that she'd never seen before.  She realized that she was afraid that he was going to throw her down the stairs.  So she quickly went downstairs and into the kitchen.  He barreled down the stairs behind her, breaking the wooden and iron baby gate at the bottom of the stairs into proverbial kindling wood.  Then he cornered her in the kitchen, holding her down and raising his arm as if he were going to punch her.  The man is a body builder.  He would have severely hurt her.  He was screaming "NO ONE TAKES MY FUCKING KIDS FROM ME!!!" at her.  She wound up getting away - fleeing the house and taking the car to pick her kids up from school and bringing them to my home for the evening.  I encouraged her to leave the kids in my care and go make a police report, and then get a restraining order the following day.  She balked a bit at the idea of the restraining order.  "I don't think he'd actually hurt me", she said.  "Did you think yesterday that he was capable of doing what he did to you today?" I asked.  No.  No, she didn't.  And she realized that she couldn't trust him around the kids, either - she didn't know this person any more.  She made the police report and called her lawyer.  Then we all went out to dinner with the kids and she took them home for the night.  He stayed away for the night.  She has alarms so she knew she'd awake if he entered.

That night, after the kids fell asleep and she couldn't, she went searching through the house, looking for God-knows-what.  She just knew that something was behind all this.  What she found floored her.  An intake form for a new counselor that admitted to multiple emotional and sexual affairs - with both men and women.  Hidden drug use.  Further digging revealed a few secret bank accounts, and about SIXTEEN credit cards in his name that she didn't know about. 

The next day (this past Wed.), she:
- Got up and dropped the kids off at school
- Met her lawyer
- Went to court and got a restraining order.  He cannot see or contact her or the kids for the next 21 days.  He cannot go to the home, their joint business, or the kids' school.
- Went back to the police department to deliver the restraining order to them
- Went home to find that her husband had taken one child to their extracurricular activity and had the other one at home.  He was making dinner, as if nothing had happened.  She took the child at home to go pick up the other child post-activity, and informed the police that her husband was in fact inside the house.  They went over, and rang the bell, knocked on the door, and repeatedly called his cell phone.  He wouldn't answer or come to the door.  They got called away on an emergency, and when they came back 10 minutes later, he was gone.  He hadn't been served.  She wasn't safe.
- She took the kids to her in-laws', knowing he'd never think to look for her there.  They knew about the divorce, drug use and volatility.  She didn't tell them about the cheating she'd found proof of, because his mother is battling cancer and she just didn't think it would be kind.
- She called her lawyer to inform him that her husband hadn't been served.  He made arrangements to serve him through his own lawyer the next morning.
- She called their marriage counselor to tell her what's going on
- She called a locksmith to meet her at the house at noon the next day

Yesterday, she:
- Got up super early to take the kids to school from the in-laws, a good 40 minutes from their home.
- Contacted her lawyer, who said that her husband wasn't answering his own lawyer's phone calls.
- Contacted the counselor, who called her husband.  He picked up.  She informed him of the restraining order, and of everything that his wife found the day before.  He said not one word about those findings - not so much as a peep.  He then went to the house to collect some things.
- Sis met the locksmith at her home 10 minutes after her husband left (according to the alarm record).  He changed the house locks, the garage door codes, and checked all the alarm connections.
- Contacted the school to inform them of the restraining order.
- Made an appointment for Counseling for her
- Made an appointment for the kids
- Made an appointment for STD testing for herself

She has had on HELL of a week.  And you know what?  She's DOING it.  She's not sitting around, confused as to why he's done all this.  There'll be time for all that later.  Right now, she's in fight mode.  She's protecting herself and her kids.  She's covering every base.  In all the troubles I had to go through with my gay ex, I never had all those punches in one 48-hour period.  Sometimes you just gotta roll with it and do what needs to be done.  You can cry later.

If she can do ALL.THAT in 48 hours, it should give you hope that you can do some of what needs to be done in your own situation.  You CAN do this, people.  You are not a victim - you are a survivor.  FIGHT!!!

Kel