I am grateful for all the work people put in to keep this forum up and running.  and do appreciate all the effort put in to support straight spouses around the world.  But now it seems the last bastion is crumbling and it seems so unnecessary so here I am, still asking why?

 Healing our self esteem that has been decimated by our non-straight partners feels so crucial and yet here we are, our identity goes off the banner over the forum and the term straight only occurs in the negative, as a way of defining our partners.

Kel wrote:

Lily - SSN/OurPath has always served partners of trans people. They are absolutely straight partners in our eyes. They were a tiny minority all these years. But the social landscape is changing, and coming out as Trans is more accepted now. So more people are doing it. Leaving more straight partners in their wake..

To me this is a big fluffy snow leopard of a paper tiger.  Where did I argue partners of trans people weren't included???  

and why does the increase in the numbers of transgender in the population now showing their faces mean we have to change our name?

and you know what, I feel a little uncomfortable just for repeating the phrase 'partners of trans people' - I don't think I'd like it, you're still a straight spouse. 

I don't want to rub anyone's nose in it for not being straight, last thing on my mind.  I'm a friendly sort of person and respectful.  I don't want to be rubbed out either though.  

Would it be possible to redesign the banner so that this forum is referred to as a Straight Spouse forum? 

thanks, Lily

 

 

Last edited by lily (September 15, 2021 5:55 pm)

MJM017 wrote:

Almost all of the studies concentrate on the mental health of the nonstraight. Grant funding in the US would pay attention to an organization that serves us straight spouses/partners if there were studies concentrating on us. It's unrefutable evidence of our mental anguish.

This is really good point...I would love to see studies/more attention brought to the impact on the straight partner. I wish we also had some prominent allies in the LGBT community being vocal about the damage the closet causes to people unknowingly brought into it. 

I think the idea of being "proud" of your sexuality (whatever it may be) is a bit odd...but, more than ever, I respect those who are living honest, authentic lives...no matter the consequences. I wish that for everyone...so there are far less of us in the future.
 

Guys,

I donated 1,500 hours last year to SSN. While having a full time job, four kids, a home, pets, etc. I do this for no.other.reason other than desperately wanting to help straight partners get support and heal. Many of you have known me for years - I was here long before I started doing work for SSN. I have thick skin, but I'm a person - one who is trying their hardest and working day and night to try to ensure the future of this organization. it's difficult to hear all this criticism from my own tribe.

We have big dreams for this organization. We want to start attending LGBT+ conferences and educating them on what Straight Partners go through. We want to conduct research about Straight Partners that would be potentially peer-reviewed by a prestigious organization - like the American Psychological Association. This would bring us recognition that we could then parlay into creating a training program for counselors. Interested counselors could then become accredited through us, and we would finally be able to begin recommending trained counselors to those of us seeking them. We want to begin holding our own seminars and healing workshops. If we keep on with the level of donations we've been receiving, we can simply keep the status quo. To bring awareness at the level we really want to, it's likely going to take corporate donors and grants. And you know what corporate donors and grant makers don't want to be associated with these days? The word "straight". And it doesn't matter how we feel about that. It is what it is. We either just stick it out here being small potatoes, or we make some changes so we can grow. It's really that simple.

We're not embarrassed to be straight. We encourage you to call yourself whatever you prefer - straight spouse, straight partner, partner of a trans person, trans widow, cis spouse, whatever. Us changing our organization's name doesn't change your identity. We are still who we've always been, and we offer more support now than ever. And we want to expand that help. That's what all of this is about.

You're of course free to have whatever opinion you want about the name change. But I'd appreciate it if you could just have a little bit of faith. I've said my peace, and I won't be back to discuss this further. It's just too heart-breaking.

I guess I lied - I'm still answering questions.

We've had several potential grant makers and corporate donors come back and tell us that they get our mission, and they'd like to help. But... they can't have a company with the word "straight" in their name listed on their roster of nonprofits they donate to. And do you know why? Because a few years back when white supremacists started holding straight pride marches, they effed it all up for us. And no, we can't "educate" corporations about it. What they're worried about is other non-educated individuals seeing them in a bad light because they're helping an organization with the word straight in their name.

This is the same place, and we do the same thing as we've always done. This is help. And it won't matter what we name ourselves - people in need will find us. Because they're not searching for the words straight spouse. I can see exactly what search terms they're using because we have Google Analytics. And you know what they're using?
"Is my husband gay?"
"I think my wife is a lesbian."
"My husband is looking at gay porn."
"Do I open my marriage with my bi-sexual partner?"

And those roads will still all lead back to us. That's just how Google works. It takes a bit of time though, of course. Even if people searched the words straight spouse, they'll wind up on our old site, which points to our new site. They are desperate for help. We could name ourselves "Flying Monkeys" and they'd still find us.

We are not selling out, or selling our souls. We are not watering down the message. We have no intention of tailoring our stories. None of that is what's happening.

We have no guarantee that any of this will result in growth. But I had no guarantee that leaving my ex would mean that I'd find love again, either. I just knew that what I was doing wasn't going to work long-term. So I held my nose and I jumped. And I found love again. I shudder to think what my life would be like today if I'd let that fear hold me back. We're going boldly, guys.

The name of the org and the website does not define my identity nor do I feel betrayed. Betrayal usually means something like a promise made that is then rescinded. I don't feel that has happened here.

I do not think you can fairly say "Many of us feel". You only know what you feel and the few others who have questioned this change by posting about it. There are 2568 registered users here. We've heard from a very tiny fraction of that number. Even if 90% of users are inactive, we still haven't heard from the majority of active users. You can put me on the record as not concerned about the new name. Kel has said "We have no intention of tailoring our stories."

Finally, I have no wish to be assumed as connected with, or supporting of, homophobic protestors. If the SSN name confuses people, then a name change is the right move, in my opinion.

Last edited by Daryl (September 16, 2021 6:26 pm)