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September 14, 2021 8:15 pm  #1

Husband cheated with a man

Everyone, this is such an involved, complicated situation but I am going to just give the main points for now. 4 weeks ago my husband of 33 years cheated on me with a 23 year old male friend of my daughter and her fiancé. After getting caught and vehemently denying it, he admitted to it. I now believe this is not the first time. He has been in serious denial about the devastation he has caused the 3 of us (my daughter, her fiancé and me). Like I said there is much more to this tragic situation that makes it even worse. He now admits to being attracted to men for at least 10 years, after denying me any physical affection for decades. I stayed all those years for my daughter’s sake because he was a good father. But now he has betrayed us all and crushed my daughter’s soul. I left the house and will be getting a dissolution as soon as I can come up with the attorney retainer. I guess I just wanted to post to people who could understand the intense range of emotions I feel - my life was stolen from me. I have been with him for 38 years since I was 16. How do I pick up the pieces, help my daughter and future son through this (the most important part to me) and move on?  Thanks for reading - I just want people to know I truly can’t make this stuff up.


September 14, 2021 9:44 pm  #2

Re: Husband cheated with a man

Hi, you must be in a lot of shock right now.  Just the simple things like walks and afternoon naps will help you get through it is a roller coaster for sure but it does get back to more normal with time.

The silver lining is the glimmer of a brighter future.  for both you and your daughter.

four weeks isn't long.  you are likely to find that what you see and understand about your marriage changes over the next little while.  it would not surprise me if you ended up feeling your husband has been manipulating you into staying, more than anything.

wishing you the best of luck, Lily


September 14, 2021 9:49 pm  #3

Re: Husband cheated with a man

No, we can't make this stuff up and when it hits it's horrific.  I too was in a very long marriage when I was hit. I think by helping your daughter and her fiancé it will help you, too.  You'll help each other.  Have you thought about the three of you seeking counseling together?  It's best to find a trauma informed therapist.  They are specifically trained to focus on what happened to us and offer therapies that will help to ease the trauma symptoms. 

I gave my trauma therapist a copy of Dr. Omar Minwalla's research paper on the trauma symptoms we experience when we find out that our spouses were living a secret sexual life.  It's so abusive     https://theinstituteforsexualhealth.com/thirteen-dimensions-of-sex-addiction-induced-trauma-sait-among-partners-and-spouses-impacted-by-sex-addiction/


September 15, 2021 1:47 am  #4

Re: Husband cheated with a man

Lily & Lynne-

I want to thank you both for replying!  It’s truly so helpful - especially as I lay here during a sleepless night - to know that there are others out there who actually can relate to how I am feeling. You both gave great advice. My therapist told me today that even just getting a walk will help me. Right now the three of us are going  through counseling separately- my daughter and I are doing it weekly - and we actually did talk about going together eventually as well. Thank you so much for the link to the research paper - we will definitely share it! And I did actually tell my husband that I think he never told me how he was feeling about men because he selfishly wanted to keep his life in tact. I am the one who supports the family financially and he stayed home the past 20 years to raise our daughter.  The dissolution will be a huge blow financially as I will have to give him nearly half my income and will not be able to afford to keep my house, but at this point I feel it would be healthier for me to figure out a way to live on much less (I was on disability for 7 years so no other financial resources than my salary) to get a clean break.

If anyone else out there is reading this and struggling as well I want to say to look around you to see if there might be a friend unexpectedly willing to help. Let others know what you are going through - this support might come where you least expect it!  While all have reached out maybe once to say ‘if you need anything’, that’s all I have heard from most of them. But there are a few who have been checking on me regularly and even opened their homes to me!  If one good thing is to come of this it will be to be able to separate acquaintances from true blue friends.

Again thank you to all who reply - so thankful to have found the Our Path website.  Hang in there everyone.

     Thread Starter

September 15, 2021 4:04 am  #5

Re: Husband cheated with a man

Can’t_make_this_up wrote:

How do I pick up the pieces, help my daughter and future son through this (the most important part to me) and move on?  Thanks for reading - I just want people to know I truly can’t make this stuff up.

Can’t_make, I’m so truly sorry, my heart breaks for you. You are in shock, take deep breaths, it truly helps with the overwhelm feelings.

How to pick up the pieces, offering the following based on my own experience, in my own life with my son and his fiancée. My stbx had a nine month affair, we all found out too. It’s devastating. My son was devastated and highly embarrassed.

You stay standing in your truth and in your own integrity, know these were not your actions or decisions, it’s not your shame to carry, nor is it your daughter’s, although she will feel it heavily, as you will. It’s not yours to carry, know that at the deepest level possible.

Counseling will help all three of you. Look after yourself too, it’s so important to look after you in all of this too. Ok.

Your daughter will be torn just as you will in the weeks and months to follow, Just be there for each other is the most important part, know it’s going to get difficult even between you three at times, know it ahead of time but commit to keep standing together.

It’s my best advice, stay standing together and love each other, hold each other, like never before, it helps too.

Edited to add: my son’s biggest hurdle, I think, he hates and loves his dad all at the same time. My stbx was also a good father for many, many years  our children carry these  good memories of their fathers,  it’s part of their history, it’s their life too.

He is still my son’s dad. It will up to him to make it right with his son, I won’t stand in the way of that. Knowing that seemed to have helped my son. It’s a personal decision we all must face when kids are involved.

I’m now two years post discovery, close to exiting the marriage, was recently retired, returned to work on contract basis as the financial means to exit.

Last edited by longwayhome (September 15, 2021 5:19 am)

I can almost see it, That dream I'm dreaming...There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move...The Climb - Miley Cyrus

September 15, 2021 5:51 am  #6

Re: Husband cheated with a man

Long Way - oh my goodness my heart breaks for you as well!  I so appreciate your words of support and standing together is exactly what we are doing. I made it very clear to daughter and future son that I will NEVER put anyone or anything - including myself - ahead of them. I wanted to give them that reassurance.

In the few talks I have had with my STBX I have told him ‘you need to figure out what inside of you caused you to make such a selfish, reckless choice, and you need to fix that and prove that you fixed that before you will have ANY chance with your daughter and son to be’. They got engaged less than a month before the cheating incident we found out about, and were starting to joyously plan a wedding. Now all of that is tainted because they can’t imagine allowing STBX to be any part of it. What’s worse is the ‘other man’ and his girlfriend were going to be in the wedding, so they were betrayed by both sides. Time and again we have said ‘why couldn’t he have cheated with a stranger??’  Then it would have been between him and me and there would be more chance of healing with the kids. The fact is that we, along with many of their other friends, were asleep in the house when this happened so it has now affected the whole friend group. And it gets worse from there. That’s why I can’t make this stuff up.

Today 9/15 is going to be extremely difficult because it will be the first time my daughter has spoken to STBX since he cheated. It’s her turn to confront him with the pain he has caused her. She has talked with her therapist about doing it and I will be silent by her side for strength. I have the tissues ready.

Wishing you all good things to come Long Way.

     Thread Starter

September 15, 2021 9:30 am  #7

Re: Husband cheated with a man

Each person he has betrayed is on him, as is any corrective action he may need to take with each of these individuals, you are absolutely correct, in my opinion.

That your stbx is willing to participate, to me, shows some willingness to be accountable, which is the minimum he needs to do. Mine could NOT do that.

Good luck today, it’s hopefully a healing step that occurs today, however small of a healing step that might be, especially for the two of you.

Continue to be the strong woman you are.

Thank you for your support as well.

Last edited by longwayhome (September 15, 2021 9:32 am)

I can almost see it, That dream I'm dreaming...There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move...The Climb - Miley Cyrus

September 16, 2021 8:59 am  #8

Re: Husband cheated with a man

Well last night was horrible. I went with my daughter for support so she could confront her dad for the first time since he cheated on me with my daughter’s male friend. My daughter kept her composure- I was really impressed by her.

I broke down. My STBX was so disrespectful, rude and dismissive of me any time I said something. He refused to address any of my questions. I told him my daughter had told me on the way there that she wanted this to be a family discussion.

I stood by him through so many bad times over 38 years. Now he devastates my daughter, her fiancé and me and all he does is treat me with disdain. I can’t believe I gave this person my life and he isn’t even sad over destroying it.

     Thread Starter

September 16, 2021 10:50 am  #9

Re: Husband cheated with a man

Yes we can't make this stuff up.  I think all of us could make an academy award winning movie..but the sad thing is it's actually all real..

Can't make,

I think their anger and disdain of us is because we represent in plain reality what they did wrong..we are real and they can't get rid of us..they do not have the godly powers to make us go away..and it angers them.   My GX has justified her continued anger toward me by saying I cheated instead of her. Its both sad and bizarre..like she has tried to rewrite history like Dr Who.  I think she has told herself her affair was my fault over and over so that it must be true..I think it gets rid of her guilt.  Meanwhile in reality I don't even know anyone I could cheat with but am supposed to be left wondering that I did something wrong.  Loved her? Kept my wedding vows?  Really horrible things it seems.

Don't try to figure out the anger but just know to expect it.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

September 16, 2021 11:24 am  #10

Re: Husband cheated with a man

Can’t_make_this_up wrote:

My STBX was so disrespectful, rude and dismissive of me any time I said something. He refused to address any of my questions.

Can’t, just when you think they can’t possibly hurt you more than what they have already - you find this attitude of theirs waiting in the shadows. It’s really the twist to the knife they have already plunged into your heart.

Remember how much this hurts and never allow him to do this to you again. Total disengagement to the degree possible moving forward, that’s how you protect yourself and your daughter.

I would also keep your daughter out of all further conversations you have with him, for her own protection, she doesn’t need to hear any further hurtful things. she has taken a huge hit here, her wedding memory will always carry a faint taint of this, guard her well from any possible poisonous words her father might throw out as he fights his own internal demons moving forth.

Know, it’s his own internal battle that he is fighting out with you, it’s full of his own issues oftentimes they will projected them onto you too, in my opinion.

It’s truly what I believe happens. They cannot admit how badly it all turned out for them. That’s all they see, is themselves. They will blame everything on you and will hold no accountability. None.

It’s almost like a script they have. Sometimes I’m convinced, they must be guided in how they should act, Idk,  it feels like that at times.

Please look after yourself well. Post here as much as you need.  Continue to hold each other moving forth. He needs to come to his own realizations of the damage he had caused.

I would let him sit in it and you do whatever you need to do.

Take care.

Last edited by longwayhome (September 16, 2021 11:45 am)

I can almost see it, That dream I'm dreaming...There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move...The Climb - Miley Cyrus

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