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September 11, 2021 11:01 pm  #1

180 degree life change

First time poster, and almost a month in to when my entire world was changed upside down. A little over a month ago my boyfriend of four years came out to me as gay, and I found out he had slept with men previously before we got together. It was already hard enough as it is, because he waited the weekend before I started my last semester of college as an incredibly hard major. We were living together with my cat as well. It came out of nowhere and it hurt so bad because I thought we were going to get married and be together. I had been with him for all of my twenties (We got together when I was 20 & he was 27, and he is now 30 and I am 24). I ended up moving home the next morning when I overheard him telling his cousin on the phone he was excited to be gay and seeing guys. We never really had any issues or huge fights or problems, and he literally had been initiating sex between us everyday for the whole week before he came out and ended things. We went a week no contact after that and I was going through all sorts of emotions but then I contacted him because I had an almost 100 dollar uber charge on my bank account that wasn't mine, to find out five days after we broke up he bought a plane ticket to go across country to go see/have sex with this trans person. I said some horrible things to him and blocked him and it has been no contact since. I am thankfully busy with working and finishing school, so I have had a lot of sad moments but also a lot of okay moments, but still just feel so hurt and numb and like no one understands what I am going through. I have been trying to find some therapists around me, but haven't had any luck yet. I have been journaling and working out and staying busy, but I just don't have a lot of friends and most of my friends were through him, which I'm sure he's told them the horrible things I've said and also is being congratulated as being so strong to come out and live his life. I just feel like I am thrown away, and that no one could ever want me, or will ever want me going forward. It will be at least till January before I can move out of my parents house, and I just feel like in a week my life somehow 180 degree changed. I am grateful and glad we didn't get married, and I am grateful it ended earlier than later but it still just hurts a lot. 


September 12, 2021 12:07 am  #2

Re: 180 degree life change

The pain you feel is normal. Please do not think any less of yourself for it. You are completely justified in feeling a great loss. The person you loved is, in a way, now dead. When my wife died (so to speak), I was utterly distraught for many months. It still hurts, though not nearly as deep and dark as it once was. Not even close. There is a light ahead. I was told this, though it seemed impossible: it will get better for you.

Be patient with yourself emotionally. Try to sleep - I know it may be hard. Try to eat properly. Get those things right and your recovery will go much more smoothly. Go for walks - even if you hate walking. Just do it anyway. It will help over time. Good luck.


September 12, 2021 9:23 am  #3

Re: 180 degree life change

Hi karebear, take small steps daily, especially with a major to contend with. I think there are three main obstacles that most of us need to overcome. The first is the shock and trauma of discovery or disclosure. Second is the grief response. Third is the self-confidence that lets us live our best lives. Post here as often as you need to. We understand.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

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