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September 10, 2021 10:36 pm  #11


Re: Husband's secrets have broken me

confusedseas wrote:

Daryl wrote:

Trust is a critical component of any relationship. What is he "working" on, besides asking you to forget everything you discovered, that he was hiding from you?

He says he takes care of the house while I am away at work (sometimes its months) and I realize that there is some basic maintenance required there.  I don't mean for this to sound cold, but "taking care of the house" is something I could do remotely.   We had recently purchased a property and he was working on that - again, I could have hired it out.

So its hard for me to see what exactly his is working on.  I pay all of the bills with the exception of our health insurance.  

 

 
95% of women who experience domestic abuse report experiencing economic abuse - from the Canadian Center For Women's Empowerment.
https://ccfwe.org/why-we-want-to-address-economic-justice/

If you decide to pursue divorce, would suggest the following. It is to your benefit to make copies of all the bills you have paid during the marriage, the amount you contributed to down payment for real estate, and joint assets/debts, all credit card numbers. Grab all IRS tax forms filed during your marriage. You may be able to prove squandering of joint assets.  Memorize all of his personal identifying  information (in the US, SSN, birthdate, birthplace, parents names and mother's maiden name.

My late GIDXH stopped working after 12 years of marriage without telling me. It simply happened.  I worked over 60 hours a week & had to pay all bills by default. He worked in the home but wound up just cooking dinner & taking out the trash. 

Given his habit of spending at least 15 minutes in a public restroom when we went out together, am assuming he filled his free time pursuing men.  Don't know what kind of person dupes someone as a straight cover and sugar momma, but that was him.  I could be wrong, but it sounds like our husbands had a lot in common.

You still have your life ahead of you at 43. You have economic freedom with a good job.  You have a lot going for you.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

September 11, 2021 7:04 am  #12


Re: Husband's secrets have broken me

Soaplife wrote:

Its a long road out, but I am 5 years down the track, divorced and No Contact with gxh. Life is much better.

Confusedseas,
That is definitely the keyword here: no contact. I plan to have no contact as soon as I can move from my rental property to my own little place in December. Because each time I see him, mentally it puts me back a few steps. My little dog still lives with him. Our lives can only get better without having them in our faces all the time. I can see this, I can sense this. And I believe this... Everyone up here has shared valuable insights, that is why I am so thankful. We are not alone...Get up and Go. You can do this!!


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
 

September 11, 2021 9:33 am  #13


Re: Husband's secrets have broken me

confusedseas wrote:

He says he takes care of the house while I am away at work (sometimes its months) and I realize that there is some basic maintenance required there.  I don't mean for this to sound cold, but "taking care of the house" is something I could do remotely.   We had recently purchased a property and he was working on that - again, I could have hired it out.

So its hard for me to see what exactly his is working on.  I pay all of the bills with the exception of our health insurance.  

I was thinking more along the lines of what is he working on to make your relationship improve, curb his issues and make you feel more validated in it? When you married, were you looking for a maintenance/groundskeeper person or something a bit more than that?

I second longwayhome's list of questions you should ask yourself. Be kind to yourself. This isn't the sort of stuff we should have to tackle in life, but here we are.
 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

September 11, 2021 11:46 am  #14


Re: Husband's secrets have broken me

Daryl wrote:

I was thinking more along the lines of what is he working on to make your relationship improve, curb his issues and make you feel more validated in it? When you married, were you looking for a maintenance/groundskeeper person or something a bit more than that?

I second longwayhome's list of questions you should ask yourself. Be kind to yourself. This isn't the sort of stuff we should have to tackle in life, but here we are.
 

Ahhh, well, that’s a good question, he doesn’t seem to be working on anything emotional/validation wise.  If anything he’s more indifferent.  We are just sharing space, there’s zero intimacy

     Thread Starter
 

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