OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » A thread for those staying in their MOMs?

Brassyhub · October 21, 2016 4:57 am

This is my first post here. Is there a thread for those who are planning/working/trying to stay with their gay or lesbian partner? I’m looking for help, support, understanding, others’ experiences NOT of divorce and separation, but of trying to stay together, not in an ‘open marriage’ but living monogamy. Any takers?

So a little about myself/us. We’ve been married nearly 37 years, no kids. We were and are good friends, both quite independent, but we do a lot of things together, and we met and married in a faith-based NGO, so we’ve long shared a common faith and a common pool of friends. As we were coming towards retirement, I was increasingly unhappy with our very occasional sex-life, and I demanded that we see a therapist together. This finally led to my wife ‘coming out’ to herself and to me as a lesbian. She confessed to one lesbian affair with a friend, very short, many years ago, but also to a long series of deep and passionate friendships that never became physical. But she’s clearly felt passions for other women that she’s never felt for me. So we’ve gone from a low sex to a no sex marriage. How is it possible to have any sexual connection when there is no desire? Friendship, tenderness, affection, yes, but no desire.

So we’ve been through therapy together, anti-depressants, for me, EMDR therapy for me, masses of books. I love her enough to have been seriously ready to let her go, but that’s not what she wants. Our marriage vows have changed. We’ve said, ‘until death do us part, or until one or the other finds a new love, but neither of us is looking’! When I look back, I’m amazed that I have never come anywhere near being unfaithful, and still now, I’m not really looking elsewhere. I am clearly deeply monogamous, and I still love my wife. But are we really man and wife, or are we more room-mates and friends? I think that she is now asexual. Though she recently had another passionate crush on another much younger woman.

We cannot really afford to separate. We also both feel too old to start our live again and look elsewhere, when there’s no guarantee that we could find more happiness and satisfaction with another. She’s more or less at peace. I struggle every single day. Faith is an important and troublesome part of the brew. She married me (after a first engagement, broken by her) partly she now confesses because of friends and societal pressures, and in the faith that ‘God would give her feelings for me’ that she didn’t have. She fought her same sex attractions, and believed that God could and would take them away. But he never did. I have prayed too, that if God couldn’t change her, that he could change me, give me a sense of peace and plenitude.

It’s not just about sex, and orgasms – I can and do get that alone! It’s about missing that total giving and sharing with another that marriage is meant to be about. There a hole at the heart of our marriage, where neither of us will ever be fully expressed, as long as we live, and as long as we stay together. But we have such a good life, so many good friends. In the eyes of others, we’re an older couple who get on so well. And the invisibility of our pain is part of the pain. There’s only a tiny handful of close friends and colleagues who know the truth.

So does all this ring any bells? Are there any others who would like to be part of a thread where we try to strengthen and encourage each other to stay, not to leave? There’s a lot of wholly understandable anger on so many sites for straights, anger at the lies and cheating. There’s been one very brief lesbian affair, but otherwise, we’ve both been trying our very best, and we go on trying our very best, to live good lives…
(Brassyhub) Andrew

October 21, 2016 6:06 am

Hi Andrew,

I too am new to the site. I find out my wife was gay at the beginning of June so I am at the very start of my journey.
We have been married for 26 years, we actually spent our 25th wedding anniversary in the Maldives and she was 12 moths in to a 2 year affair. Since I found out and she has told me everything we are trying to get on the best we can. We have decided to stay together, I love her with all my heart and she says she loves me. My wife is the centre of my world and which everything else revolves. We have two wonderful grown up boys of whom we are very proud.

I struggle with the fact that we had a physical marriage for 26 years and from what I witnessed she enjoyed the sex. But since she has told me she had this affair the sex has stopped as she says 'it isn't the same'. This is where I get confused, if we were still having sex whilst the affair was on going. When I said she must have just been putting up with me when we had sex during the affair she says no, the sex was still okay, but since she told me it has totally dried up. We still hold hands everywhere we go, snuggle on the sofa and have a quick peck but that is it. I am not bothered as I have told her I will never have anyone else but I can't stop thinking I cannot give her what she wants anymore. She says she loves me and although she does miss it sex is only a small part and what we have is much more and she doesn't want to lose that.

I know I am only 3 months in but it is almost all of my waking thoughts.

Brassyhub · October 21, 2016 7:42 am

Oh, Bobby, I'm so sorry. We're close to the same place. How can a lesbian love a man, in a sexual way at least? I would strongly advise you to at least try going to a therapist together. This didn't change our sex-life, or the total absence thereof, but it gave us both a greater understanding of our own and the other's sexuality, and helped us to seriously look at all the alternatives and possibilities.

I'm not sure that I understand what you mean by '12 months in to a two-year affair'. She 'came out' to you 12 months after starting the affair? And then carried on the affair for another year with your knowledge? Wow! It is then a big deal that she wants to stay with you. My understanding of the statistics is that most lesbians who have a lover leave their husbands for the lesbian lover, and have been thinking and planning for that. That's one of the reasons why there seem to be so few men in our situation.

I would have been ready to accept an open marriage or trying to find a woman ready to share us both (!!!) even though that would have gone against all my background and up-bringing. I was also very ready to see my wife leave me, because I do really love her and want what's best for her. My first reaction, when she came out, was one of immense sadness and compassion at her long years of lonely struggle with herself. And rage at the therapist that she'd been seeing for years, with whom she talked about her SSA (same sex attractions), and whom we saw once together, where I was saying that I was unhappy with our low sex marriage. The therapist knew that she was a lesbian - and I didn't. Grrrr. We both looked for help, and have both been let down by the 'professionals', but then also greatly helped.

Look into the benefits of 'oxytocin'. It's an important hormone related to bonding and feeling good. So even if we don't get sex, holding hands, cuddling in bed, these all help greatly to feel close, to deal with the loss. But we are going through a mourning process. Mourning the marriage that we thought that we had. We still love the same person, about whom we now know a good deal more. So we can be grateful for their honesty. But we now have to create some thing new and different, and let go of the illusion that we've been living with for so long.

Have you found other fora or sites? If not, I can send you privately a short paper on all the resources, sites, fora and books that I've found.

My wife's Swiss; I am now Swiss too, but also British, and we live in Switzerland. Where are you?

Warm regards, Andrew

vicky · October 21, 2016 8:09 am

Hi,
It's called a Mixed Orientation Marriage or a MOM when a straight is married to a bi/gay person. There are 2 online yahoo groups that I know of one is called MonMom for monogamous mixed marriages and the other is called Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work (or MMOMW) which is for everyone male/female, open or monogamous, gay or straight in a mixed marriage. I'm not sure if this link will work but try it. https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/MMOMW/info
There is also a thread here on SSN under general discussion with a link to an online book about MOM's.

Your wives can join either of these groups too if you want, although there are not a lot of lesbian/bi wives on there a few have just joined. See you over there.

Vicky in Ontario

vicky · October 21, 2016 8:15 am

And here is the online book I mentioned, I've only started reading it but others say it's very good.
http://mixedorientation.com/

Good luck
Vicky

BobbyD · October 21, 2016 8:23 am

Hi Andrew,

Thanks for your speedy reply, we are in the UK.

By 12 months in to a 2 year affair, I mean I booked the holiday for our anniversary and by the time we went away she way 12 months in to a 2 year affair. She didn't actually tell me about the affair for a further 12 months (2 years). I am sure she does love me and she is doing everything she can to make this work. I do keep asking that we are not just playing at happy families and she tells me she had the opportunity to leave but loves me too much. It is strange but my life at home is the best it has been for a number of years. I had started to take my wife for granted, even though I told her how often I loved her I would generally get home from work, give her a kiss and then sit on the sofa all night watching Sky Sports!! Now we get home, either make the evening meal together or I make it while she is at the gym with our youngest boy (20), and I do have a feeling of satisfaction that I am contributing. We have recently moved house, my decision, I wanted a clean start. So we have moved out of the area and started going to the local pub quiz. Like I say we are still so close, she is a little wary of what others will think (because a few people do know), when they see us holding hands. This is my choice, my life and for as long as I can I want to share it with my wife.
I think it is too soon for a therapist, everything has happened so fast but it is something I will give thought to in the future

Thanks again

Rob

vicky · October 21, 2016 8:31 am

Rob, It's interesting that you say that your life at home is better than it had been. Now that the dust has settled on my initial shock I am starting to feel that way too. I've heard others say the same, they understand their spouses better now and it seems to work for them.
Vicky

Brassyhub · October 21, 2016 8:38 am

The MOM thread here, if it's the one that your talking about, Vicky, seems to me to be mostly about ex-MOMs. MOMs with partners fast heading for divorce, which is not the case for either Rob or myself. At least for now, we're both struggling to make our marriages work and last. And it's not always too helpful to be in a place where at least some, from their own bitter, hard-won experience, seem to be thinking that we too should head for the door, that time wasted in trying to make it work would better be spent looking for a new partner and building a new life. I'm on MonMOM, a small-ish group, but with good support. There are perhaps two other straight men married to lesbians there. As I say, we seem to be a minority of a minority. Andrew

Last edited by Brassyhub (October 12, 2017 8:49 am)

BobbyD · October 21, 2016 9:42 am

I know I am only 3 months in on this rollercoaster ride but, and I think and it must have been said a thousand times 'we are different'. I have a long medical history (2 brain haemorrhages, a coma) and my wife has been with me through all of this. She has had to deal with a lot more than most wives and if we can stay strong together I am sure we will survive.

vicky · October 21, 2016 9:43 am

I was sending you to the MOM thread here to access that online book. Yes many of the posters here are here to support people in the initial shock phase and people leaving their spouses. For that this is a good forum. If you are looking for a MOM support group I do recommend MMOMW, you won't feel so alone there, there are many men married to lesbians on that forum. Also there are some lesbians married to men so you get both perspectives.
I'm a regular poster there because I am still at the beginning of this, a snippet of my story is on the story page of this site but discovery for me was only last February.

Vicky

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October 21, 2016 4:57 am #1

A thread for those staying in their MOMs?

October 21, 2016 6:06 am #2

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October 21, 2016 7:42 am #3

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October 21, 2016 8:09 am #4

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October 21, 2016 8:15 am #5

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October 21, 2016 8:31 am #7

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October 21, 2016 8:38 am #8

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October 21, 2016 9:42 am #9

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October 21, 2016 9:43 am #10

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