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August 29, 2021 6:47 am  #11


Re: What to do

Thank you So much for all your replies.They have made me realise I am not alone and that I am worth much more than I believed I was.
It is so Strange because after his promise last year I never checked his phone and felt that as long as I excepted that I was in a marriage without any physical contact then I could carry on .For 8 months of the year we live and work in Turkey who have very strict rules on porn and as he doesn't have a VPN on his phone I thought I was ok .I Couldn't believe what I saw on the TV search list and he was in the room I pretended I hadn't notice got up early the next Morning and the search and watch history had been wiped.He will never admit to being gay and I don't believe he has ever acted on these impulse and if he did it would have been 1 incident 14years ago as we have never been apart in 35 years .
I now have to decide if I will stay in this marriage and continue pretending we are the perfect couple or give everything up and try to start again.For the last 5 years I have explained numerous times how unhappy unloved and even given him the opportunity to leave me on 3 occasions and each time he has assured me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and just says he has never had a high sex drive.I dont doubt he loves me as much as he can possibly love a women .He suffers with anxiety and stress disorder and I am his support but I am now beginning to think alot of this is the lies he is telling to not only me but himself.As I said before he will never admit to it as he isn't strong enough.So I have some very big decisions to make in the coming weeks. Thank you for letting me sound off on hear it is helping.

 

August 29, 2021 11:34 am  #12


Re: What to do

”It is so Strange because after his promise last year I never checked his phone and felt that as long as I excepted that I was in a marriage without any physical contact then I could carry on “

I thought this, and it nearly killed me. The skin hunger creeps and creeps over you and will actually make you mentally and physically ill. As humans, the lack of physical contact has a deep and profound effect on our core inner selves. You think you can do without it, but you can’t in the long run. Your self esteem is destroyed utterly and you won’t notice until it is too late. Think of your needs as a person, not of his. He can look after himself, you look after you. If I had known that I would end up like this, I would have done something about it while I still could.

4933 days…


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

August 29, 2021 8:47 pm  #13


Re: What to do

Ordinary Guy, your situation sounds horribly toxic.  Whatever the obstacle to separation or divorce is, I hope you can soon get over it.

 

August 29, 2021 9:01 pm  #14


Re: What to do

Goldmattymiss, you say he's an amazing guy.  You also say he is aware of but totally dismissive of your unhappiness and you have been on antidepressants for two years.

So - maybe not so amazing?

Best of luck with your decision-making. Wishing you wisdom, courage and clear eyes - and a good divorce lawyer should you decide you need one.  56 is not too old to start a new life - I did.

 

August 29, 2021 9:09 pm  #15


Re: What to do

yes, OG I think one has to accept nothing stays the same and it is going to get more worse than you imagined all over again if you stick around for it.

sorry.  just talking from both logic and personal experience.

I would love to know what it is that keeps you staying in the marriage - just talking on an emotional level - how you feel about it now that keeps you in it?

Tabor, hope you're doing ok.  wishing you all the best.
 

 

August 29, 2021 9:26 pm  #16


Re: What to do

goldmattymiss,

You are worth a lot more than what your GIDH has manipulated you into believing. He may be very worried you know low sex drive is not equal to high porn consumption.

Am guessing he's creating his own anxiety by living a lie.  Of course you're his only support. You have the keys to shut his closet or unlock it wide open.  He's lovebombing you to make sure that closet remains locked.

I hope you make a decision that suits your needs and desires. You deserve that.

Best wishes for the future.

Hi OG,

I don't believe you are locked into what you have now. Going forward and not looking back helped me resolve my TGT issue.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

August 30, 2021 12:27 pm  #17


Re: What to do

Soaplife wrote:

Ordinary Guy, your situation sounds horribly toxic. Whatever the obstacle to separation or divorce is, I hope you can soon get over it.

My ASD son Soaplife. The idea of leaving him and selling the family home is frankly abhorrent to me. I have battled depression for so long that I don’t remember what it was to be “normal”. I think that walking out on him would tip me over the edge. Along with this would be the stigma of being seen to walk away and leave my family when everyone thinks that what we have is so special. If they knew what had been going on behind the front door, they would be appalled at the way I have been treated. She would be vilified and ostracised and that actually feels unfair to me. My only “out shot” (pun intended), would be for her to come out and leave me to find someone else. There is little to no chance of this due to the fact that she has secured exactly what she needed from a bearded husband. The house, the money, the cars, the lifestyle. I am not stupid. I know that she will get everything in any settlement, and she knows this too. She is a mother in the family home, I am a man who’s needs and desires are unreasonable to her. In order to get what I need, my son needs to ultimately lose out. She is not stupid, she knows me and she knows that the law is on her side along with my love for our son. My life as a man ended when I was 39 years old. The day she said “Don’t touch me, I don’t love you like that anymore”.

4934 days…


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

August 30, 2021 9:34 pm  #18


Re: What to do

Ordinary Guy, have you spoken to a divorce lawyer and got solid information about divorce? 

It may be more favourable than you think, both financially and custody-wise, especially with a good lawyer. Even if it isn't, at least you would have a realistic idea of your specific situation.

Anyone who's been through it knows no-one survives a divorce unscathed, financially or emotionally.  But seriously you should consider - is that worse than your current daily misery?

Your situation, filled with anger, depression, grief, resentment, frustration, untruth, secrets contempt and distrust (hatred?) of your wife cannot be healthy for you or your son.

I'm not telling you what to do but I am telling you there is always a choice. And in the end for me it wasn't about money it was about survival and sanity for me and my youngest son.

I really hope you find a healthy way out of your current bind.

 

August 30, 2021 10:25 pm  #19


Re: What to do

oh that doesn't sound like fun, OG.  she's got the upper hand on you socially?

it is often like that.  Same for me, and he went after my friends.  No fun.  He drove 5 hrs to get the jump on talking with my closest friend before I did. and then he boasted about it to me, telling me he didn't even like her.  It's unkind isn't it, not just to me but to her too -  vulnerable and he's chatting her up.  She falls for it and doesn't ever think what he really wants is to take her friendship away from me. 

I agree with Soaplife, consult a lawyer and see what you can do.  

You can't protect your son from his mother.  

Look, I'm sorry but I am just going to say this.  I have witnessed it close hand way too much - the gay in denial mother who uses her children like pawns to help her get what she wants from other people.  If that is happening then a whole rethink might come up with better solutions than the situation you are in now.  

 

Last edited by lily (August 30, 2021 10:28 pm)

 

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