Does it matter at this point?
His actions certainly speak to how well of a partner and a father he is/was.
Trust your gut. It's trying to protect you.

Forgive me, I am having a bit of trouble getting used to the new forum and so I couldn't format it the way I wanted in the time I had left to post. 

Porn habits of gay and bi men are more complicated than that. Gay men can like straight porn provided there is a man involved. The problem with straight porn from a gay point of view is that the focus is on the female and not the male.  However the guys tend to be more "straight looking"(a.k.a. Macho) than gay porn(sometimes).  However the trouble with straight porn is that the men are accessories rather than necessities and imho the guys are often not cute.  

It stands to reason that a bi guy would like straight porn also. Gay porn is more attractive to gay men because the focus is on the man and having more than one man in it means there is an chance you could find one guy, the other, or both attractive. 

The reason for the sex toys and the reason why you are not involved is because he wants to be penetrated by a guy. If a woman was part of the fantasy he would have been with you.  The toys are a way of having sex with a man without having sex with a MAN. He could be too scared to actually do it. Doing it involves STD risk, the risk you might not like it or you are bad in bed. It also requires that you lure a willing guy(which he might not have managed to do yet). In biblical terms he is Eve being temped by an fruit on an tree... He also may well have done it and is making do with the toys because they are easier/more convenient than an hook up. 

I can't advise you on kids. I don't have kids and am not  gay husband but I can say this much. He is not an good father.

The reason why he is still lying is because the G word is hard for guys to accept and the Bi word is not that much better.  The only reason I say that the guy is bi is because he cheated on you with women. Normally, gay men just want men. Bi guys are different in that they want BOTH. For them it isn't either or but both. If you were a guy he would have been cheating on you with women and knocking up a few other men too. 

There is a danger in the BI word. The idea that well, he is bi he could be happy with me, All he has to do is ignore those pesky gay thoughts\behaviors and everything will be OK. That is not true.  In my wild days I meet about three guys who were bisexual and honestly only one of them I think could have been happy in an monogamous heterosexual union.

The worse one was a married guy(ugg).  He was verbally abusive to his wife, but he liked both men and women. Frankly would sleep with anything that didn't fight back too hard. Trust me there is nothing worse than having this guy look at straight porn and be attracted to women WHILE you are sleeping with him(and no I didn't know he was married at that point). 

The next one I am not sure if he was bi. He was a single guy who wanted to have a guy to the side, while he had girlfriend or wife. He was a great kisser and cute as hell, but I simply could not abide the level of deception that this situation would involve. He could also be a bit homophobic.  I once sent him gay porn and he got angry at me cause it had men in it, ??? We kissed, we got naked and had sex yet the sight of two guys doing it is offensive???

The last one was a young bisexual bad boy. He simply seemed to want to sleep with guys cause he could. Most of the porn he showed me was straight and he didn't have that great an history of being with men. He is the only one I can think of who might be able to stay monogamous. Maybe. He didn't seem all that attracted to me. 

Anyway, you can't control what he does next.  Just do your best to focus on yourself and your children.
 

Last edited by Diff I guess (August 30, 2021 1:42 pm)

Beyondconfused wrote:

Diff I guess wrote:

Forgive me, I am having a bit of trouble getting used to the new forum and so I couldn't format it the way I wanted in the time I had left to post. 

Porn habits of gay and bi men are more complicated than that. Gay men can like straight porn provided there is a man involved. The problem with straight porn from a gay point of view is that the focus is on the female and not the male.  However the guys tend to be more "straight looking"(a.k.a. Macho) than gay porn(sometimes).  However the trouble with straight porn is that the men are accessories rather than necessities and imho the guys are often not cute.  

It stands to reason that a bi guy would like straight porn also. Gay porn is more attractive to gay men because the focus is on the man and having more than one man in it means there is an chance you could find one guy, the other, or both attractive. 

The reason for the sex toys and the reason why you are not involved is because he wants to be penetrated by a guy. If a woman was part of the fantasy he would have been with you.  The toys are a way of having sex with a man without having sex with a MAN. He could be too scared to actually do it. Doing it involves STD risk, the risk you might not like it or you are bad in bed. It also requires that you lure a willing guy(which he might not have managed to do yet). In biblical terms he is Eve being temped by an fruit on an tree... He also may well have done it and is making do with the toys because they are easier/more convenient than an hook up. 

I can't advise you on kids. I don't have kids and am not  gay husband but I can say this much. He is not an good father.

The reason why he is still lying is because the G word is hard for guys to accept and the Bi word is not that much better.  The only reason I say that the guy is bi is because he cheated on you with women. Normally, gay men just want men. Bi guys are different in that they want BOTH. For them it isn't either or but both. If you were a guy he would have been cheating on you with women and knocking up a few other men too. 

There is a danger in the BI word. The idea that well, he is bi he could be happy with me, All he has to do is ignore those pesky gay thoughts\behaviors and everything will be OK. That is not true.  In my wild days I meet about three guys who were bisexual and honestly only one of them I think could have been happy in an monogamous heterosexual union.

The worse one was a married guy(ugg).  He was verbally abusive to his wife, but he liked both men and women. Frankly would sleep with anything that didn't fight back too hard. Trust me there is nothing worse than having this guy look at straight porn and be attracted to women WHILE you are sleeping with him(and no I didn't know he was married at that point). 

The next one I am not sure if he was bi. He was a single guy who wanted to have a guy to the side, while he had girlfriend or wife. He was a great kisser and cute as hell, but I simply could not abide the level of deception that this situation would involve. He could also be a bit homophobic.  I once sent him gay porn and he got angry at me cause it had men in it, ??? We kissed, we got naked and had sex yet the sight of two guys doing it is offensive???

The last one was a young bisexual bad boy. He simply seemed to want to sleep with guys cause he could. Most of the porn he showed me was straight and he didn't have that great an history of being with men. He is the only one I can think of who might be able to stay monogamous. Maybe. He didn't seem all that attracted to me. 

Anyway, you can't control what he does next.  Just do your best to focus on yourself and your children.
 

Thanks diff for explaining this I wondered with the women if he could be trying to affirm to himself he isn't what he actually is especially as this always happens round all of his hetro man's man mates could it be known for a GID to preform like that...I hasten to add the majority of his female cheating has never gone so far as sexual intercourse it seems he would run before it go to that...
Having friends that will happily share homophobic jokes and a homophobic mother I just wonder if this could be at all possible?

Gay guys don't usually think that way. For gay men it is usually some form of twisted logic as to why there are not gay or not even bi despite the fact that they like sleeping with men. The G word is scary but they usually don't seek out extra women to affirm the fact that they are not gay. One would do. For gay men the G word is linked with being effeminate, and lots of negative things.

Basically for an GID guy it might go something like this:" I am not gay cause I don't bend my wrist, wear pink, have an high pitched voice ect....he, she or it is gay but I am not gay.  Yes, I sleep with men but sleeping with men does not make make me gay besides there is SOME attraction to women."

Well hell, it does rain in a dessert sometimes but most people would not classify the Sahara as something other than an desert and not all gay men are like Richard Simmons. 

The Bi word is not much better. For some gay men the bi word sounds better than gay(at least I am halfway there or halfway right). However these men are gay not bi they have little to no attraction to women. 

It is hard enough to accept being gay and having homophobic friends and relatives does not help. His sexuality is his problem, don't let him trap you with his problem. 
 

Last edited by Diff I guess (August 30, 2021 2:38 pm)

I agree with what Ellehox says, about distance. Everytime I had contact with my ex, it put me back emotionally and mentally. And Beyondconfused also talks about 'cut him off'. I need to find a way to move on without having regular contact. Our sons are adults too and I only need to be in contact with them. Gosh, it must be hard with younger children, all I can say is protect them as much as you possibly can. They only have to see their dad, not his partner...yet. My sons have a good relationship with their dad, I don't want to ruin that out of respect for my sons. Yes, get out, get away... breath... live your life...!