Wine.

A sectional can work and please keep the lights on. 

Seriously, this string has made me think about my trauma and how it’s changed me. More importantly, it’s given me a couple of laughs and a connection with those who have walked or are walking in my shoes.

Btw- For you guys out there I were my Birkenstock’s proudly but have no interest in other women.
For us ladies, we should realize that some straight men  like to cook. 

I hope so because I love to cook and it would be nice to meet someone some day and share that enjoyment especially If he’s a ballroom dancer too. It’s nice to dream! 

I had no idea that my ex boyfriend was gay. I researched some things on the internet and one thing to watch for is the look in their eyes when they talk to another man. Look at their eyes. I got married to a man who says he is straight yesterday. I looked for signs and did not see any. So sorry that you find yourself here.

rekamc wrote:

there were some many signs that my ex was a lesbian (albeit deeply closeted). I feel like such an idiot for nothing being able to put 2+2 together sooner but at the same she was determined to deceive me as long as humanly possible

1) obsessed with San Francisco (even though we don't live in the US) - would constantly google: "real estate in San Francisco", "how to move to San Francisco", "rent in San Francisco", etc... given that she is deeply closeted my read is that SF is the one place/city where she could truly "be herself" (aka openly gay). 

2) would constantly talk about how attractive other women are (neighbors, friends, acquaintances, etc). This was literally a daily occurrence. She wouldn't just say: "oh so-so is very attractive" instead she would talk about their physical appearance in a very detailed manner; ex: "so-so is absolutely stunning.. her eyes, her hair, her nose, her lips, just perfect.."

3) as she got older she became gay and gayer, ex: would blatantly stare at other women, try to engage them in conversation, flirt with them, etc..

4) hanging out with her best (female) friend 24-7, that is how I caught her.

5) homophobic towards "flaming" gay men and butch women -- would be in awe of femme lesbians 

6) would exclusively use FB to check on other women (ex friends, ex coworkers, ex acquaintances, etc..) there was no secret male crush, ex-boyfriend, ex male coworker, etc... instead FB was solely used to look at the profiles of other women (always women) -- as far as digital proof that is all I ever got since my ex LW doesn't care/like any sort of porn. She googled "Dinah Shore weekend" a long time and when I questioned her about it she convinced me that it must have been a pop-up (yeah right)

Don’t beat yourself up for being deceived by someone actively engaged in deceiving themselves. The so called red flags are only such when viewed with the all seeing eye of retrospective understanding. I myself still can’t believe that I discounted all of the ones that were waved in my face over the years. Even some of the ones that were really weird behaviours I just brushed aside and dismissed, often berating myself for even thinking such things. Becoming gayer over the years manifested itself as further and further withdrawal and eventual shutdown. Love is indeed blind. It blinds us to the very thought that we could be deceived by the partners that we have all loved. You are not an idiot, you are just human.

4929 days…

Hi All
I have nor posted in a few months. I have been married to my husband for 11 years. 2 years ago I found a few things that lead me to believe he is gay. Now thinking back there were so many flags.
1. Super romantic but avoided having sex when we were dating
2. Our vacations consisted of more sight seeing then being alone in hotel
3. Never looked at other women
4. Always engaged in convo with men (Where are you from what do you do etc)
5. Always drinking and making sure I was drunk so that there was an excuse to not have sex
6. Our honeymoon in Thailand we only had sex 2x in two weeks.
7. On and off mad at me but would never admit why
8. Won’t talk about past partners
9. Won’t talk about sex at all
10. Less frequent and now we haven’t in two years
11. Always inviting over people or making super busy plans for us where I’m too exhausted to even think about sex
Recent:
12. Underwear I didn’t buy for him but not his usual style. These were tight and some silky
13. Viagra he hid in his closet from me
14. Men’s cologne that is not his or my fathers when he was visiting
15. David Y bracelet
16 I should add lots of travel for “business” pre covid and he was not detectable on find my friend.
17. Extremely homophobic

I have not left him yet. He refuses to admit what is going on. I know he is gay but he will never admit it. We have small kids and I guess that’s why I stay. Sometimes I think of this list and wonder if I am completely wrong but I don’t think so. He has ruined 14 years of my life. I am in therapy which is helping.