OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+.


For more information about our recent name change, please read our press release or visit our website at https://www.ourpath.org.


BE A DONOR >>>

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



August 15, 2021 6:10 pm  #1


is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

I an 41 year old, She is 35 years old. Been married for 12 years, have 2 kids. First One born through IVF. Through the entire married life, never had a great sex life.  Now we have sex at most once a month. She is never interested in it and even if i approach, i mostly get a push back. 

We never talk about sex or anything related to it. There is no more intimacy but just responsibility of me providing, working and taking care of kids. 

Even When we do it also, she never lets me watch her private parts. It has to be in the dark. In 12 years of marriage i have never been permitted to even see her private part or let alone touch it or perform oral on her.   She never even talks to me in a romantic manner. Affectionate with me, but never intimate or romantic.  She is dominant and treats me like a kid and wants me to eat fully and heavily. She will let me drink or eat any amount. She will cook any meal i want,  I have gained 60 pounds in last 5 years. The Only person she is interested in talking about her feelings/everything  is her one girlfriend of childhood. She talks to her 7-8 hours a day. i have seen messages bordering on romantic feelings between them. But she does not even like talking about any topic involving Gay relationships with me, if i bring it up. She feels uncomfortable. After we watched a movie based on lesbian relationship between 2 married women, she discussed about the movie in an excited manner. But suddenly in between the conversation, she stopped it and dismissed my thoughts as though she realized something. I think internally she is ashamed of her feelings.  I have found her to be excited when we watched a couple of movies involving intimate scenes between women. 

She has mentioned it multiple manner in a funny manner that since we are getting old, we don't need to have sex any more. She loves the kids a lot and loves me also. I love her a lot and highly attached. But just frustrated with the lack of any intimacy. i have also gotten used to masturbating as i have very little lovemaking. 

 

 

August 15, 2021 10:24 pm  #2


Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

Bandala33, that sounds very emotionally challenging. 

It wasn't my situation, but I have read posts describing experiences not unlike yours. you could go back through some of the old posts here to find relevant stories that mighr help you.

Best of luck, these things are hard to deal with.

 

August 16, 2021 5:59 am  #3


Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

Well, they do say that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Although training and experience suggests it is through the fourth and fifth left intercostal region.

Hi Bandala,

I think that the answer you are looking for resides in the relationship between your wife and her friend. Is this friend married? If so, do you know her partner well enough to make enquiries about his relationship with his wife. It could be that she has issues with intimacy in addition to any same sex attraction she may be experiencing. She may actively be in denial, and is maintaining your relationship the best way she knows. When she is spending eight hours in conversation with her friend, is she actually physically with her? My own experience of intimacy starvation started with a palpable reduction over time before a complete and shocking hard stop. It was at this point that I began to experience a real feeling of confusion and self doubt leading to an erosion of self-esteem and self worth. I think that you may be able to arrest this downward spiral if you can actually sit your wife down and have an “adult” conversation about your fears, the current situation and how this is effecting you. No one wants to be in this situation and I sincerely hope that you can find the answers to the questions that you must now pose in regard to your own future as well as the future of your family. It is a hard thing my friend, but you must be able to ask your wife anything that has an impact on everyone in your family. If you know where you stand, then you can navigate a path of your choosing.

Ordinary guy

4920 days…


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

August 16, 2021 8:48 am  #4


Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

She is a lesbian. This behavior is not normal in a marriage.

 

August 16, 2021 11:07 am  #5


Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

I feel that she is too afraid of her own sexuality and also treats me more as a provider for her and our kids. I am the only one, who works and She has never worked during our marriage.

she is also very possessive, and will account for every minute of my time. Even when i go shopping for groceries, she will keep track of my time.

We are a good Little family for any outsider, except that there is no lovemaking between us or even romance between us. I work, buy, shop, play with kids, read books to them, work in my garden and sleep. I also masturbate in secret and sometimes watch porn alone and masturbate and then go to bed and sleep.

A lot of you have asked me to talk to her and ask her about the situation. We have such a tense relationship about sex and any intimate topics that i am literally shit scared to talk about this topic. As i said previously, she treats me like a kid, I am scared of her. 

Last edited by bandala33 (August 16, 2021 11:14 am)

     Thread Starter
 

August 16, 2021 11:22 am  #6


Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

bandala33 wrote:

I feel that she is too afraid of her own sexuality and also treats me more as a provider for her and our kids. I am the only one, who works and She has never worked during our marriage.

she is also very possessive, and will account for every minute of my time. Even when i go shopping for groceries, she will keep track of my time.

We are a good Little family for any outsider, except that there is no lovemaking between us or even romance between us. I work, buy, shop, play with kids, read books to them, work in my garden and sleep. I also masturbate in secret and sometimes watch porn alone and masturbate and then go to bed and sleep.

A lot of you have asked me to talk to her and ask her about the situation. We have such a tense relationship about sex and any intimate topics that i am literally shit scared to talk about this topic. As i said previously, she treats me like a kid, I am scared of her. 

Why? What is she going to do to you? You sound like the only actual adult in the household and, as you say “the provider”. The closer I got to the truth, the more vitriolic the response became. This is an attempt to throw you off the scent by projecting their inner most angst onto you. What about the husband of the friend? Can you speak to him?


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

August 16, 2021 1:36 pm  #7


Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

Ordinary guy wrote:

bandala33 wrote:

I feel that she is too afraid of her own sexuality and also treats me more as a provider for her and our kids. I am the only one, who works and She has never worked during our marriage.

she is also very possessive, and will account for every minute of my time. Even when i go shopping for groceries, she will keep track of my time.

We are a good Little family for any outsider, except that there is no lovemaking between us or even romance between us. I work, buy, shop, play with kids, read books to them, work in my garden and sleep. I also masturbate in secret and sometimes watch porn alone and masturbate and then go to bed and sleep.

A lot of you have asked me to talk to her and ask her about the situation. We have such a tense relationship about sex and any intimate topics that i am literally shit scared to talk about this topic. As i said previously, she treats me like a kid, I am scared of her. 

Why? What is she going to do to you? You sound like the only actual adult in the household and, as you say “the provider”. The closer I got to the truth, the more vitriolic the response became. This is an attempt to throw you off the scent by projecting their inner most angst onto you. What about the husband of the friend? Can you speak to him?

In the first few years of marriage, we had a very tumultuous family life. She takes offense at every thing. Once we had an argument while driving and she threatened to jump off the car on an interstate. We come from a very conservative family and background, where things like Gay relationships are not even discussed. I am not sure how even she will react to it. 

     Thread Starter
 

August 16, 2021 1:56 pm  #8


Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

Is she at home all day on her own?


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

August 16, 2021 1:57 pm  #9


Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

Hi Bandala,

firstly, oh! you are not old.  there is a lot of living to come yet.   I am in my 60's and that is what the people in their 70's say to me, so imagine how young 41 seems to me!

it just sounds like there's a lack of intimacy due to incompatibility and you are trying your best to cope with staying in the marriage while not having your needs met within the marriage.

and good food and sex matter a lot don't they.  it's not just that it will impact on your health in the future it is how it makes you feel now.  If I can just get a bit basic for a moment - your life is dependent on your body first isn't it.  

 

 

August 16, 2021 5:20 pm  #10


Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

Bandala, would you consider individual counselling or therapy? You sound very isolated and without any support.  A good counsellor might be able to help you sort through what's happening in your life, how you feel about it, and what you want to do about it.

Sometimes sharing our story with someone we can trust who is outside it can be a huge relief. Even a trusted friend or family member, or a telephone helpline, can give you fresh eyes on things and maybe validate your grief and frustration.

It might give you a fresh perspective on how you can deal with what sounds like an unsustainable situation.

It is not betrayal to seek help outside your marriage.  It is a tough step to tell someone but one worth taking before you break under the burden you are carrying.

Last edited by Soaplife (August 16, 2021 9:29 pm)

 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum