Lorax,

I think it's quite natural for people to get angry when they know for certain that they've been duped.  However, the only thing that changes now is that you know for certain what's been going on vs. just strongly suspecting or knowing it in your gut.  The fact that you're angry now when you got confirmation tells me that you have likely known the truth all along, but that you were compartmentalizing so that you didn't have to feel strong emotions about what was going on unless you got confirmation.  If you'd already have felt those strong emotions over being lied to and duped, then it would just be a little blip now vs. the rage you're going through.  In a nutshell, you're angry now because you didn't allow yourself to go there until now.

You need to take a step back sometimes and let your head lead instead of your heart.  I know that when my ex (whom I'd asked for a divorce from due to lack of intimacy before I even got confirmation that he was gay) started dating men, I was hurt for a moment.  I mean, he was giving to someone else what I had so badly wanted for years, right?  Well, that's one way to look at it.  But I chose to walk through that and came to the conclusion that he was giving to someone else what I no longer wanted from him.  I had walked away and I knew what a life of being with him was like.  They could have him.  And oddly, that make the anger subside.  So much territorial behavior crops up in us when someone takes our partner.  Unless you realize that they allowed themself to be willingly taken, and you didn't have them anymore anyway.  And didn't want them anymore.

The opposite of love isn't hate, anger, or revenge.  It's apathy.  That's your goal when it comes to your ex.  You want to hear they've moved on and be able to truly think and say, "Oh, that's nice for them."  You want to be able to hear their parent died and think/say, "Aw, that's a shame; I'll send them a condolence card."  NOT have feelings where you're running to them to connect with them in some way because X is happening.  Some of those thoughts may always cross your mind.  It's your head's job to lead your heart through it.  You find out they're with someone else, and you feel that -flash- run through your body.  And you think rationally and tell yourself, "It's okay - nothing has changed here.  I didn't have them yesterday and have decided already that I didn't want them tomorrow, either.  Them being with someone new doesn't change that.  Then exhale.

I truly think you need to either break up with your girlfriend so you can process all of this and heal (getting back together with her only when that happens, if you two still want to be together then), OR decide to hell with the ex, and commit yourself "all in" to this new woman.  You can't straddle the fence this way.  It's not fair to either of you, but it's really unfair to her.  She's getting the message that she's not enough, and might not ever be.  It's been years since you've broken up with your ex, and any old day can still be affected by her.  It tells her that you're still in love with your wife if those emotions can upend the ones you currently have with her.  I'm sure that's not what you intended to tell your gf, but that's what you're telling her, nonetheless.  She's only going to continue staying with you while you do this if she is truly in love with you and thinks that eventually this too shall pass, or because she doesn't think she can get better.  If it's number two, then whatever.  But if it's number one, then you owe it to your gf to live up to those expectations.  I'm sure you wouldn't want to be in her shoes if the tables were turned.

Best of luck to you -

Kel

Thanks again guys. It's funny how everyone is describing a similar pain to what I was feeling back in the day. I was so messed up. Previous to the split, I felt like I was an empty shell of meat that lived. I was like in an aquarium where people couldn't reach me and I was separated from them. After the split, I would just lay there with my thoughts swirling uncontrollably. At work, I just stared at the screen and would notice 2 hours would pass and I did nothing. It's like the circular arguments, mixed with wishing to believe what I wanted just kept me in limbo. The only thing that helped was going to the gym or talking to a person. 

I'm also getting the shock about the best friend / spouse turning out to be someone who wasn't quite what they advertised. This is such a relief to hear from you.

Jk,
Praying for you as you share shelter with your STBX. I collectively refer to it as my time in hell.

Hi JK,

No worries. I appreciate it and definitely understand "Too much lying and betrayal.  Too much pain and damage to repair or carry."

Lorax,

I think one of the most difficult parts of the break-up is wanting to go to them for comfort and compassion, only to realize that you can't - they're the one causing your pain and suffering. Soothing you means they have to realize what they've done, and they don't want to.  First, because it would be admitting it's wrong instead of just something they were entitled to.  Second, because that would mean stopping what they're doing.  And they don't want to do that.  They want to continue on in their philandering, and that means looking away from the pain they're causing in order to do so.  They cannot both comfort you and continue on in hurting you at the same time.  So they choose themselves.  That's what leaves us reeling - that they're so cold in rejecting us.

Your former best friend is that no longer.  Maybe they never were (which makes you feel stupid).  But they sure as hell aren't now.  Friends don't lie to each other, betray each other, deceive and gas light each other.  They don't justify poor treatment of each other.  Those aren't friends at ALL.  Maybe they used to be.  But that's not what they are now, and the sooner you move away from them and onto leaning on others, the better you'll be.  It's the hardest part of this whole thing - knowing that someone who supposedly loved you would treat you this way.  But it does NOT mean that that's what you deserved, or all that you're worthy of.  Animals who graze a field until it's devoid of grass don't worry that they're the cause of the void.  They simply move on to a greener pasture - one that has what they need to keep them alive.  Don't spend all your time and energy thinking about your former green field.  Just go find a greener pasture.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (October 21, 2016 11:03 am)