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August 7, 2021 9:56 am  #21

Re: Late in Life Discovery

Thank you, MJM. I feel like I am on the outside looking at someone else's life. This is so unreal. He is out of the house this weekend, and I am so glad.


August 8, 2021 7:55 am  #22

Re: Late in Life Discovery


I have the same feeling stuck in a nightmare that i cannot wake up from.  Conversations really seem like you are speaking into the face of delusion,  everyone has been posting here about their ability to make themselves the victim, it is like reading  fiction….except it is not and the manipulation is 100% real.  Also to lie and keep lying for so many years…how do you sleep at night….my GH sleeps like a baby.  It blows my mind. 

Ohh and the tip of the iceberg…i am so tired of that as well.  I have found that the advise of observing and just thinking of your future without the stress of this is helpful.  I am working on detaching and i am trying to prepare for an exit. Why do I need to know more, i am sick to my stomach with what I already know.

I am also timing my grief, like some have mentioned here…and finding things to do to take care of me.  I hope you are doing the same and taking care of your health.


August 9, 2021 11:46 am  #23

Re: Late in Life Discovery

Thank you, newtotheclub. It helps so much to know I am not alone, that others have been here and are coping. I am not familiar with timing my grief--will check that out. Also working on detaching. Taking care of me is a struggle, but I keep trying every day. The one thing I have managed to be consistent with is taking a 30 minute walk first thing in the morning. Hang in there and thanks for sharing your progress with me. It gives me hope.

     Thread Starter

August 9, 2021 9:07 pm  #24

Re: Late in Life Discovery

The 30 minute walk in the morning is a great thing.  That's where I started.  Love it, I think it gives you a chance to think as well as being so good for you.  

Every feeling that comes up can be overwhelming and so we tend to fend them off a bit and that is necessary but what I found was that if I let them in they don't overwhelm, they come and go like a wave.  So the next thing I did, and still often do is a 30minute afternoon nap.  or longer, so who's counting!


Last edited by lily (August 9, 2021 9:08 pm)


August 10, 2021 9:34 am  #25

Re: Late in Life Discovery

Thanks, Lily. Yes, naps have been keeping me sane--strange I didn't think about that as a self-care strategy, but they certainly are. I have been exhausted, even on days when I have slept fairly well the night before, so have been thinking of naps just as a way of getting through the day. Regarding feelings, I have tamped down my emotions for so many years, I am having trouble allowing myself to experience my feelings. Working on that with my counselor. On a podcast I recently listened to, the straight spouse (wife) said she had been ground down to a "nub of a person." That is exactly how I feel. But I am also optimistic that I will regain my true self eventually when I am out of this situation. Thanks for your support.

     Thread Starter

August 10, 2021 10:14 am  #26

Re: Late in Life Discovery

Quiet One, sounds like you are doing all the right things.  Gentle exercise is so good.  Naps are great - this journey is exhausting.

Keep working with your counsellor; your emotions/feelings will return (it can be a bit overwhelming but counsellor will help you through it), you will learn to name them and to listen to what they are telling you and to regulate them.

We are recovering from trauma, it takes work and time. It is so worth it though. To have time and space to learn to be you again. So liberating.

Hang in there.


August 10, 2021 3:15 pm  #27

Re: Late in Life Discovery

look, apologies in advance but I just have to put my 2 cents in here.  I'm older, I live in Australia, I'm not a fan of counsellors.  

It wasn't just TGT that hit for me, it came on the back of some serious family trouble.  My doctor referred me for counselling.  I was grateful for this but actually when it came to it I didn't feel supported about the gay thing, (turned out the counsellor was GID, divorced) but what she did do was a professional job of counselling and I got to tell my untold story of the family trouble - I was amazed at how much good it did me to tell someone about it.

so I do understand there is a value in counselling but I also think it is entirely natural not to want to unpack your feelings with someone else like that.  It's not the same thing.  With the family trouble, I told my story I wept buckets while I did.  I came home and had a good sleep and felt lighter for sharing it.  I already knew what I was crying over.

For us straight spouses it seems to me we share in common the experience of having had our feelings so stitched up there's nothing left to read but the anxiety in the pit of your stomach.  

So there I am, back home from family, on my own sofa, don't yet know about tgt, trained counsellor who I think of as a friend is visiting and she says I should do some whatever, I can't remember what she called it but it involved the simple technique of leaning into your feeling and listening to what it has to say.  She wanted me to paint a picture for her, what colour is it, what does it look like what does it say and then she wanted to insinuate herself into the process so that she was talking to my inner feelings direct.  No thanks.  I had grasped the technique and did not need a middle man and was slightly horrified that she wanted to do it.  It is an infringement of autonomy.

Anyway, so she turned out to be gay in denial too, I didn't know that at the time either and I still thought she was a friend to me as well as my ex and by the time tgt hit I had already developed my own habit of curling up on my bed and leaning into my feelings, I do the same with any physical pains too.  

Last edited by lily (August 10, 2021 3:20 pm)


August 10, 2021 4:24 pm  #28

Re: Late in Life Discovery

My comments in red 

lily wrote:

........ the simple technique of leaning into your feeling and listening to what it has to say.  She wanted me to paint a picture for her, what colour is it, what does it look like what does it say and then she wanted to insinuate herself into the process so that she was talking to my inner feelings direct. This reminds me of the very first counselor I went to. She wanted me to get under a sheet (like a child in a tent I suppose) and feel & explore my emotions. I can't actually remember the exact process but thank my keen intuition....I could see this woman was not for me! LOL

Anyway, so she turned out to be gay in denial too, This is something that was always in the back of my mind whenever I had to engage with anybody to deal with the Mindfuck. Could the lawyer I saw actually be gay? the next counselor I saw...could she be?   


KIA KAHA                       

August 10, 2021 5:56 pm  #29

Re: Late in Life Discovery

At first I didn't think of it, I didn't wonder if my counsellor was gay, I found out about that some time later.  

Then I did start to, but doubted myself - I thought I am seeing gay everywhere because of what has happened to me.

But you know, every person I have wondered about where there has been evidence come up, it is that they are gay and now I just accept that my experience has tuned me in - I am seeing gay everywhere because they are everywhere.  If you can bear to ponder the iceberg scenario then openly gay is just the tip isn't it.

and tho I am not really good at it - I can't always pick it by a long chalk and have been blindsided several times, mainly by women - it's more that I'm not noticing gay in denial than mislabelling straights.

As I have come to this it has also softened the blow of the lack of support I got as the straight spouse in a break up.  The closet rules.  We are all so used to not noticing the elephant in the room.  I mean when was the last time you said to someone excuse me, why are you pretending you aren't gay.  Let alone ask if she thinks it's fair to lead that bloke on.  It would be so rude wouldn't it.  shockingly so.  we are complicit with the closet because we get a serve if we step out of line with it.

painful, isn't it.  You're not supposed to talk about it - straight spouses are in pain is not an acceptable thing to say.  But my experience is I was in more and more pain and it was like stopping hitting my head against a brick wall to separate, I walk away with a sore head but it is not getting worse any more.  

I am seriously very grateful for having this time where I have got to feel what it is to be me and to experience what falling in love can feel like and now I am in lockdown and look destined for the life of a hermit and I want to dub myself the happy hermit, that will do for now.


August 10, 2021 7:47 pm  #30

Re: Late in Life Discovery

I guess all our stories are different, and we are all different, so different things will work for us in the healing process.

It wasn't any less painful, but once I knew he had come out as gay (after our divorce was final) a lot of the more sordid aspects of his abuse made more sense. It became very clear that it was him not me. Which I found very helpful.

Regarding professional treatments, recognising that a therapy or therapist isn't working for you  is, I think, a valuable step in reclaiming yourself. Making decisions like that and acting on them for myself was something I had to learn. I found it empowering to say yes and no according to my own choice alone.

Also I needed different support at different stages, from different therapists.  Early on was about surviving the shock and grief while keeping my head together to not get screwed during separation/divorce.

Later it was about abuse recovery (the unique betrayal of TGT and GID were part of that for me), now complex trauma and family of origin issues.

I've chosen to keep exploring the why of who I am to learn how to manage relationships with difficult people in a way that works for me, and to develop and nurture healthy honest relationships with good people.

It's helped me repair and improve some relationships - especially with my young adult children - and to let some go.

Its not for everyone, but finding the right practitioner and persisting in the hard work is paying off for me.

Last edited by Soaplife (August 10, 2021 8:32 pm)


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