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1 - SeekingSilverLinings
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Is There Light at the End of the Tunnel?
I am a 40 year old cis hetero demi-sexual; my partner is a 35 year old transMTF (pre-HRT). We've been married for almost 20 years. And I have had debilitating auto-immune conditions for the last 10.
Six months ago, they told me that they "didn't know how they felt about me or our marriage" anymore. Three months ago, they told me "Okay, I still love you, but I've been talking to my therapist and I think I might be trans. I'll let you know when and what I decide when I'm ready." A month ago, I found out second-hand that they told one of our mutual friends that he was definitely trans and seeking a doctor to start the process with HRT -- and I'm sitting here, having not been told a thing. I confront them about it and all I really get is, "Oh, I thought I told you already. I'm sorry."
They don't talk to me about this process. They don't even act like they care about how I feel about it at all. They tell me that if I want to know about anything going on with them, I should ask specific questions about what I want to know. If I just ask how things are going with their transition, all I get is, "It's going fine. I'm really happy about my progress." I'm trying to be happy for them and I'm trying to be supportive, but it's so goddamn hard when it feels like I'm intentionally being left in the dark, my own feelings ignored, and just generally left on the curb as they go on this journey without me.
It feels willfully hurtful, like they're trying to drive me to the point that /I/ want a divorce so they can escape me without consequences and feeling guilty. They know that stress flares my conditions, and they don't seem to care at all the toll all of this is taking on me. It's hard to believe them when they say how much they love me, when time and again they prove through their actions how oblivious they are of my feelings, my well-being, and just making me feel loved and included.
This morning was the most hurtful thing -- and I apologize if this is TMI -- but they initiated sex with me with their hands, but at the point we would usually go to PIV, they stopped. Just stopped, rolled over, and went back to sleep. I just laid there, bewildered, I asked if things were okay and got no answer, none at all.
I'm trying so hard to be a good and supportive wife. I keep hoping that this is just some phase that they're going through as they transition. Is there any light at the end of this tunnel? Have other people experienced this level of outright callousness in the beginning only for things to get back to a good place?
I've brought up therapy, but they aren't interested in it, nor can we afford it. Between my own medical expenses and them seeing their own specialized therapist, plus seeing the trans specialist, there's no money left to seek yet more professional help.
I feel so lost...
- walkbymyself
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Re: Is There Light at the End of the Tunnel?
I'm so, so sorry you're being put through this. No words of advice, but I know how hard this all is, especially when you've been so starved for intimacy.
- Daryl
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Re: Is There Light at the End of the Tunnel?
Communication is critical in any marriage. You should be the first to know.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- MJM017
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Re: Is There Light at the End of the Tunnel?
Hi SSS,
Am so sorry this is happening to you. I don't have experience with a spouse who planned to go from MTF.
Agree with Daryl that communication is critical for a solid, good marriage. Your spouse should keep you apprised of the whole process and be sensitive to your needs as they are for their own. It's puzzling why they are shutting your out.
I would suggest therapy for yourself. Make certain to shop around for a therapist who is interested in the moral dilemma your spouse's odd behavior poses for you and your psychological well-being. Some therapists can be big cheerleaders for the LGBT+ while turning a blind PC eye to sometimes less than stellar if not downright hurtful behavior an individual exhibits.
If you can't afford this, I'd suggest your spouse slow down the expensive process of transitioning to pay for your individual therapy. Set firm boundaries and stand up for yourself. You deserve to be heard and supported!!
Best,
Maria
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Soaplife
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Re: Is There Light at the End of the Tunnel?
SeekingSilverLinings im so sorry you are being treated with such contempt by your husband. You should be the first person he discusses transition with, not the last. And the sex thing is just cruel. These are not the only abuse red flags in your post, sadly.
So I see this as about you - is this acceptable to you? Do you want to be an accessory to his drama and risk being cast as the villain? Your post says to me that is already happening.
One thing you could do that is free, is to take him up on his request for specific questions. For example:
What is your transition plan - the details and timeline and projected cost.
Are you attracted to women or men or both and how do you envision your sexual life now and as you progress through transition?
Are there possible negative side effects of the various stages of transition you will be undergoing?What are they?
What do you see as my role in your life as you transition?
Put them in writing if that's easier and give a deadline for answers. Be interested and concerned and non-confrontational (as I am sure you are). You can present it as non-judgemental, legitimate information-seeking, so you can learn how best to support ...
If he answers them, you have some solid info on which to make decisions that work for you. You can research yourself to see if his answers fit with the facts. If he is angry, vague, dismissive, evades, belittles or refuses to answer, that too is solid info you can use to make your decision. If you feel you CANT ask those questions - leave now.
Also ... I urge you to get reliable legal advice about divorce and get checked for STIs ... both just in case, for your own protection.
I married a very young man too, a closeted gay as it turned out, and the progressive discard was similar to what you are describing. Fortunately I wised up, got support and was able to plan my exit without him knowing. I got out with a smashed heart and trust issues, but financially secure and disease-free.
Wishing you strength, wisdom and courage as you go forward. The most important question: is this acceptable to you?
Last edited by Soaplife (August 6, 2021 9:01 pm)
- TakenbySurprise
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Re: Is There Light at the End of the Tunnel?
My now ex husband is in the process of transitioning. I can guarantee you that if he's hiding that he's on HRT, he's hiding a lot more. He is going on this journey completely without you.
I am sorry you are going through this.
- Soaplife
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Re: Is There Light at the End of the Tunnel?
SSL one other thing... I do have some experience and knowledge of the trans world. Its a challenging, pretty mind-blowing place for this cis hetero woman. There's not a lot of room for straights except sometimes as support. Even as an ally, its very easy to make missteps and offend (and be offended I might add!).
(Now I know you have seen it, SSL, I have removed the very personal story to safeguard someone else's privacy)
Last edited by Soaplife (August 8, 2021 9:53 am)
- Soaplife
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Re: Is There Light at the End of the Tunnel?
longwayhome wrote:
Soaplife: true boundlessly motherly love.
Life is an ... interesting journey 🙂
- Rob
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Re: Is There Light at the End of the Tunnel?
Ssl,
I have no experience with trans but many of have experience with the hurt and indifference they inflict on us.
At some point for myself after the hurt and trauma I viewed my GX hurt and callousness toward as evil arrogance..who make them God's or supreme beings that could make decisions on there own and we are notworth talking to.
The thing is their behavior is not real reality but their sick reality projected o to us. We are worth more than they can ever comphrehend.
Please start building your support system ...know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- SeekingSilverLinings
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Re: Is There Light at the End of the Tunnel?
Thank you to everyone for your comments and your comforts. Rest assured, I've absorbed everything that's been posted here and will be taking it all into consideration, including asking myself a lot of hard questions along with my partner. Like you've all said here, I have to look out for myself and take an honest look at what I want out of this marriage and if my partner is even capable of giving me that anymore.
My health, my mental well-being, and my happiness matter in this, too.
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