I think the one factor in finding out about TGT is anger. The shock is short lived. The anger is not. The sheer complexity of all these lies upon lies in order to live a dual life as they have, is just amazing. Who would want to live like they do? They have to know they are going to get caught. Lies pile up and it takes one to cover another. The game fails with a big messy hurtful explosion in the end. How could any of them have any self respect? I don't get it. I can say I am remarkably angry and it's growing at an enormous clip. It's being fueled by a greater degree of clarity from the separation. What's behind me is just plain ugly and humiliating and by not acknowledging it, I was a part of it.  I stayed to fix it.  The thing is, none of us can reasonably throw away our own sexual preference which doesn't match our partners. This stay and work it out isn't ever going to work. It only delays the ending. I am living proof of that fact. 
 

Last edited by Judy (October 20, 2016 4:59 am)

Billie wrote:

 I don't understand what you were thinking/concluding during those two years apart. She was saying one thing and doing another (depressed/partying; needs to be alone/living with lesbian; broke/vacationing) all that time. And telling you now that she's dating the lesbian but not attracted to her same sex.

The problem here's isn't that she's gay. The problem is that quite apart from being gay she's got a personality disorder and it's horrifying to know that she's got access to the kids.

She did all this sleazy stuff..... and then as soon as you told her you'd met someone special (i.e. you'd moved on), she tried to come back and wreck your life and your happiness. What's worse is, you let her. If this new woman in your life, your new GF, is so great, why did you put HER through that B.S.? Here she is being good to you, upfront, caring? and when your ex pulls some manipulation, after two years of hell and divorce proceedings in the works... the girlfriend discovers that your ex still has a lot of power over you.
The right thing to do would have been to shut your ex down fast and clearly.

Then the weekend that your GF is due to spend with you, your ex texts you to tell you the only thing she can think of that will really hurt you-- and RUIN YOUR and your girlfriend's weekend. Again, your poor GF sees that you're not only not over your ex-- but that you allow your ex the power over you, still, to wreck things between the two of you (you and your GF.)

Knowing how treacherously deceptive your wife is, I can only conclude you must have told her you'd met someone special in order to make her jealous-- to see if she still cared. And sure enough-- she tried to wreck your new relationship. So, you got a response all right.... but the fact remains that by telling her you'd met someone, you were testing the waters there. It doesn't ring quite true that you told her "out of respect"...... how is that respectful, exactly? She certainly has not shown you any respect-- just the opposite. It sounds like you deliberately wanted to see if she'd respond in some way.

You say at the end of your post that you can't stand being fooled..... indeed that's a truly sh*tty, crushing, demeaning feeling, as everyone on this forum can attest.... but it sounds like this is more about your ego right now than anything else.
Your girlfriend deserved so much better than this. I have been in her position and it's horrible; falling for a man who is acting like he's available.... but is in fact not even on the rebound yet.... it's worse than rebound: you're still not over your ex. What must the new woman be thinking?? She thought the two of you had something.... she thought she knew you.... and now she sees you jump when your STB ex snaps her fingers and comes at you with a wrecking ball. She, the new woman in your life, does NOT deserve to be dragged down into this hopeless cesspit of manipulation and games.

For this new woman's sake (because she is a truly innocent bystander in this mess-- and if she has any sense of self-preservation, she should already be seriously reconsidering her investment in your relationship) and that of your kids, either let her go, or please get some therapy and find out why you are hung up on a woman who treats you like trash.... esp. when you have by your own description a great wonderful new woman who wants to love you and treat you well. This should be a no-brainer.

The stated purpose of the OP posting was for support. Not all truths need to be drilled into someone's head right out of the gate. Even though you says some true things in your post, really is there a need to be that harsh? Show a little chill to someone brand new to the board (even if they aren't brand new to the situation).
 

Yes, the soon to be ex is playing you and manipulating your new relationship. You showed her respect and communication about your new gf even though she doesn't deserve respect. That's because you are a nice person and still in disbelief about the magnitude of this.

Try to foresee what she will do to you and with info you give her. Think about what an opportunist could do with the info and only tell her what is legally necessary for her to know. If your kids are with you and your gf, then that qualifies, in my opinion, as her right to know. If the two of you are alone without your kids, then it's none of her business to know with whom you spend time except maybe your whereabouts if you leave the area.

Break ties as much as possible. Focus on your new gf and give her the attention she deserves. Focus on showing her respect, including protecting your relationship with privacy from your ex. Our new loves should tolerate some discussion of our former lives, but it can get old really quick! Keep it in as low doses and as infrequent as possible. Always give that topic a break! There are much better things on which to establish a relationship!

Thanks everyone, you have no idea what a relief it is to finally make sense of her and hear from people who get it. It's true that she knows exactly how to push my buttons. I went to see a therapist the first time she did this. The psychiatrist suspected narcissism as well, taught me about this personality-type and how they affect you.

When GF and I had to breakup, it wasn't quite because I thought I was going to re-unite. I was more shaken that all of a sudden I was hearing all the things I had been waiting to hear for years and it shocked me. GF saw how it affected me, she was stressed and it caused arguments I couldn't handle at the moment. After seeing the psych, GF and I discussed how the ex needs to be in a compartment of my life that begins and ends with co-parent. It took time to work it out, she really is the best.

When I got the text, the first thing I did was tell her about it. I told her it was stressing me, we talked about it and we moved on and had a great weekend together.

You're also correct that a part of me listens to her and wants to believe it was all a lie and a mistake and we can work it all out. But the rest of me remembers how miserable I was at the end so that isn't going to happen.

It's so weird that she waited all these years to tell me. Even weirder she still lies about the full details, denies she has a same-sex attraction though she explicitly told me she's dating a lesbian. Why she doesn't just want to go live her own life I can't understand.