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1 - SunflowersMan
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Constant Pit In My Stomach
Hi all. New here and absolutely at a loss. I am about 6 months into my relationship with my girlfriend. Out of seemingly nowhere, she starts crying and telling me that she has thoughts about being with women and feels guilty about being with me and having these thoughts. My first thought is that she was using this as an excuse to end the relationship. She went on to tell me that she’s always had these thoughts but thought it was because she hadn’t found the right guy yet, but thinks that I am the right guy for her, making her even more scared about this situation. Our first instinct was to go on a break, but that didn’t work, as we are absolutely totally in love. I know 6 months is fast, but she makes me feel things I’ve never felt in my previous 4 and 5 year relationships and I truly do believe she is the one, and she feels that I may be the same for her. Our situation right now is a one-sided open relationship, her being able to explore that side of her and me staying monogamous and supporting as best I can. The one thing I struggle with right now are the days we decide to not communicate so she can explore, I am in constant “fear” I guess, although I don’t think that’s the right word, about what she’s doing, who she’s with, and if she is going to ultimately leave me. If you would have asked me a year ago if I would stay with a questioning partner after only 6 months, I would have said no, but I truly believe deep down she is my person. Just looking for support and coping mechanisms for me to make it through these stretches of time I cannot be with her.
Thank you for listening/reading.
- Lyla
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Re: Constant Pit In My Stomach
Hi there, SM. This is tough...At six months, you should still be in the honeymoon phase & consumed by new relationship energy. It seems pretty fast to be moving into an open relationship...particularly a one-sided one. It's hard to wrap my head around this because when I'm so in love, the thought of being with anyone else is unfathomable.
Is she questioning whether or not she's a lesbian? Is that what this exploration is about?
I know you came here looking for "coping mechanisms"...but if this situation is giving you anxiety & causing you heartbreak, you need to be honest with your girlfriend...and yourself...about the type of relationship you want and need.
- SunflowersMan
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Re: Constant Pit In My Stomach
Lyla wrote:
Hi there, SM. This is tough...At six months, you should still be in the honeymoon phase & consumed by new relationship energy. It seems pretty fast to be moving into an open relationship...particularly a one-sided one. It's hard to wrap my head around this because when I'm so in love, the thought of being with anyone else is unfathomable.
Is she questioning whether or not she's a lesbian? Is that what this exploration is about?
I know you came here looking for "coping mechanisms"...but if this situation is giving you anxiety & causing you heartbreak, you need to be honest with your girlfriend...and yourself...about the type of relationship you want and need.
Hi Lyla, thanks for your response. Yes. I know this is crazy and generally I’d agree with you about the timeline being off. There’s just something here that hasn’t been there in my previous MUCH longer relationship. It is super scary about how fast this is all going. She definitely likes men, the exploration is if she like women as well. I agree that one of the tough parts is understanding if she loves me so much, then why is she doing this. I think it’s just a question she needs answered and we will be fine, it’s just hard knowing there’s that chance she prefers women to me and leaves. She has expressed that she wants it to be us in the end, she has even gone as far as to say that she thinks it’s just an experimental phase that she needs to get out of her system, which I hope with all my heart is true as well.
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Thread Starter- SunflowersMan
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Re: Constant Pit In My Stomach
Hi, welcome, I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I agree with what Lyla mentions above.
Have you talk about your feelings and the anxiety it creates tin you with your girlfriend?
Hi LWH, thanks for your response. We talk a lot about our situation and how it makes us feel. We believe that in order for this to have a shot at working, we have to have open, honest communication with each other.
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Thread Starter- SickSadWeeb
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Re: Constant Pit In My Stomach
How long will she explore is my concern for you. You say you can be happy in your current situation and that maybe true for now. But what if takes longer than you hope? This pit will only grow and become more painful, and you'll start to become more dependent on each other which will make decoupling way more painful than it would be now. I once found myself in the same situation only my SO didnt have the courage to actually look for another woman and I thought that it meant we were fine. 16 years later it wasnt maybe a phase or something she grew out of. Im just warning that this could take longer than what your prepared for and you should maybe look for boundaries for yourself so you know when its too much before its too late.
- Soaplife
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Re: Constant Pit In My Stomach
SunflowersMan have you looked at the MOM support section yet? You might find some helpful advice or responses there if you want to keep the relationship.
Best of luck, it sounds confusing.
- Lyla
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Re: Constant Pit In My Stomach
It's hard for me to understand because I didn't have to "experiment" with men to know I really fancy them...You can still respect and validate her identity without her having to "prove it." I guess I don't see how...if she truly wants to be with you in the end, as you say...having sex (/relationships) with people on the side is going to help? Her attraction to women won't just go away... There is no "getting it out of her system" as much as I'm sure you both want to believe this is possible. I guess what I'm trying to say is: Your wants and needs are valid and important....You don't have to agree to arrangements that cause you so much distress. With that said, if she does decide she wants to be with women / have a poly relationship....it's so much better for you to find out now rather than down the line when you're married & have kids.
- SunflowersMan
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Re: Constant Pit In My Stomach
It's hard for me to understand because I didn't have to "experiment" with men to know I really fancy them...You can still respect and validate her identity without her having to "prove it." I guess I don't see how...if she truly wants to be with you in the end, as you say...having sex (/relationships) with people on the side is going to help? Her attraction to women won't just go away... There is no "getting it out of her system" as much as I'm sure you both want to believe this is possible. I guess what I'm trying to say is: Your wants and needs are valid and important....You don't have to agree to arrangements that cause you so much distress. With that said, if she does decide she wants to be with women / have a poly relationship....it's so much better for you to find out now rather than down the line when you're married & have kids.
I am definitely glad we are going through this now as oppose to years into marriage like I have read so many others have gone through. I am willing to do what it takes, I'm doing all I can to get through the days we can't be together, because those days we are together are so amazing. She has become my best friend, which makes this so much harder. I have a hard time accepting it too. I read over and over again the responses of "If she loves you so much, then why is she doing this" and I don't really have a response other than she is confused about her sexuality and has been for a long time, and wants that answer, whether that is being straight or bisexual, and then she can be happy in our relationship. I'm just having a really hard time today, lots of anxiety about that slim possibility that she leaves. She is constantly reaffirming her love for me and that she wants it to be us, which gives me the strength and hope that I need to fight through this. I know it may sound crazy to a lot of people, but in the end I believe in my heart we will get through this.10.1.3
Last edited by SunflowersMan (August 4, 2021 12:39 pm)
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Thread Starter- SunflowersMan
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Re: Constant Pit In My Stomach
SfL, that you are both open and being honest is so encouraging to hear.
These relationships are certainly way more challenging when both partners aren’t align sexually. Long term relationships, kids, life, they are all challenging. Its really a question how risky are you? Do you want high waves or calm sailing waters.
Sexual drives never go away. 34 years later, I’m leaving my marriage. It’s not what I ever wanted. I also never knew. He got to a point, he couldn’t control it anymore.
What do you want, listen to that gut feeling, that’s your instinct trying to warn you to pay attention. This is a huge decision you are embarking on.
Think of what you want in your life in 5, 10 years from now, will this path get you there, under what water conditions?
Take care,
I never knew about TGT,
I would risk it all for this woman. I would not even consider doing anything like this for someone less than the person she is. There isn't a storm I wouldn't weather to be with her.
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Thread Starter- Lyla
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Re: Constant Pit In My Stomach
The advantage you have over (probably all of) us is that you're going into this knowing the risk....so if your partner decides she doesn't want to give up being with women, at least you won't have the world-turned-upside-down shock factor. Have you two thought about seeing a couples counselor? I think it might really help you to establish healthy boundaries as you both navigate this next phase of your relationship. Open relationships are really challenging. You may also want to check out the nonmonogamy sub on Reddit where you'll find more people experienced with nontraditional relationship models. Best wishes.
Last edited by Lyla (August 4, 2021 1:06 pm)