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August 1, 2021 6:19 pm  #11


Based on what you say in your post your husband is presenting as transgender.  I am going to guess he likes to be penetrated anally rather than doing the penetration?  if so that makes him a bottom - the submissive partner wanting a dominant male.  

There is this thing, I've noticed there are transgender men who want to be in a relationship with a woman.  I don't understand what it's about, it's not just social there's an emotional need being met for them but essentially it makes you a bit player in his drama rather than having a starring role in a shared life - like you want in a marriage.


August 1, 2021 6:49 pm  #12


Cross-dressing or trans-identified men who like to be penetrated anally are fantasizing that they are women being penetrated vaginally.  It's very hard to wrap your head around the way such a man experiences his body by re-making it in his mind's eye.  

 Lily, the psychological literature on trans-identified men identifies two types: those who grow up hyper-feminine and wish to be women in relation to men (they want to be heterosexual women), and those who grow up unremarkably male but discover a sexual excitement with themselves while cross dressed--the object of their sexual desire is themselves as women.  These men, although they may wish to be penetrated by a male as the ultimate validation of their woman selves, by and large remain attracted to women, but not longer think of themselves as heterosexual males but lesbian women.  You are right in saying that the partners of such men are merely bit players in their dramas.  



August 1, 2021 9:17 pm  #13



Last edited by newtotheclub (August 2, 2021 5:11 am)


August 1, 2021 9:30 pm  #14


yeah it's a big deal.  it's that dominant submissive thing.  I think a lot of people like to do a bit of both to level things up or they like that idea but in fact what it ends up as is one is a top and one is a bottom and if they aren't one of each then they are missing that chemistry.

I sometimes think that my ex preferred being married to a woman who he could be in control of than be subject to another man.  


August 1, 2021 9:59 pm  #15


Star, I’m really sorry for the lack of support to you. Some posters are lost in the perverted fantasies of their exes and Feel a real need to get overly descriptive with little regard to how others may feel. Lack of taste.

Really bottoms, tops who cares. Why re-traumatized people, including yourselves.

Edited to add: it’s similar to a type of raging almost. I have seen ands lived through all kinds of different raging first hand. This has a familiar feel to it.

Last edited by longwayhome (August 1, 2021 10:35 pm)

I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 

August 2, 2021 12:02 am  #16



I’m so sorry you are in the position to worry and wonder what might he become or if he’s questioning.

STBXH had been cross dressing since he was 10 and was addicted to trans porn. I didn’t find all this out till 8 months ago with a blindsided phone call after together for 16 years. Apparently cross dressers have this desire that grows and grows with the need to dress and as mentioned before watch trans porn makes them feel like the woman to be with a man. The trans porn addiction was fueled from suppressing the cross dressing. He was able to hide the trans porn from me since he could never act out and dress while married.

Now he is a “she” and transitioning with hormones, new name and new wardrobe. This is all within 2-8 months of my trans bomb phone call. And now “she” desires men. I stupidly wanted to hold onto my marriage thinking he only wanted to be a “she” but nope.  “She” wants to be in a “heterosexual” relationship with a man in every way.

I too thought he didn’t lie to me. And this was his “only” secret, but apparently in discovering who “she” desires secret accounts were created, meeting a cross dresser, adult finder, tranny hookups etc. and on the dating sites meeting married men and sending nude pics in lingerie and makeup.

So please ask yourself...if he’s truthful about everything why not this? Why is he hiding and not opening up to you? His desires are they really for him to discover who he is while “accepting” a “normal” life to marry you?

I discovered my “soulmate” was just a deceiver and liar and a thief. An emotional abuser who would pick fights with me OR not answer about why he was watching porn. Straight men don’t want trans porn. Bi men do but then they desire men more than women?

Each situation is for each person. Please ask yourself if his cross dressing is acceptable to you? What if he wants to do it in public? Are you okay with this? What if he wants to transition? Do you want to be married to a woman?

You just married and it’s starting off on the wrong foot. Had I known 16 years ago I was marrying a secret cross dresser who now is a trans woman, would I do it again? HELL NO! Would I remain friends? Only if I was not deceived.

You have a full life ahead and if it’s worrying you now, it will forever be worrying you about his desires and deceit.

Last edited by LostAtSea (August 2, 2021 12:09 am)


August 2, 2021 3:55 pm  #17


I am sorry you are struggling, everything you are feeling is valid. Many of us have shared your same fears. Just a few things..

-Cross dressing alone is NOT synonymous with being Trans or coming out as trans later in life. 
-Liking anal play or being penetrated does NOT automatically mean your partner will end up being gay... Bisexuality is a very real thing and also straight men like anal play as well. There are also a very large number of straight men who watch transgender porn. All this to say, NONE of these things alone are sure indicators that your spouse is anything but what they say they are.

How is the rest of your relationship? How long have you been together? 


August 2, 2021 4:34 pm  #18


Two things.
1. If you had it to do all over again, knowing what you know now, would you choose to marry this guy?
2. If you aren't ready to call it quits today, is there a line you can identify to yourself that cannot be crossed?  (Mine, for example, was that I would NOT be lied to in my own house -- I told my husband that, and within months he had broken that rule, and I knew it was time to throw in the towel.)


August 2, 2021 8:37 pm  #19


Star33, in my opinion it really doesn't matter WHY your husband does what he does. What matter is if  what he does shuts you out and leaves you being, as Lily said, a bit player in your marriage.


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

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