I'm 65 and I think I probably had ice cold sex with my Gay husband about 12 times in 46 years. He never looked me in the eye anytime, during sex or not. Get it over with quick and leave the room. He made me feel terrible. 

I have men falling all over me at work - I refused them all because I imagined I was married. Ridiculous. He was my roommate and when I told him I was starting to notice other men after having no adult sex life at all, he said "go be with them. I wish you would."  I went in the bathroom and cried. 

I can't imagine how I am going to handle a normal masculine man. I love men who enjoy women. Always have but I'm terrified. This must take time....? Isn't it funny the most prominent thing that we all knew was missing from our marriages is now so hard to think of with others? Perhaps I am the only one having trouble with it in the future. I cannot imagine a being with a man who treated me better. I'm stuck in the mud and can't get out. 

Jenn wrote:

Just to encourage you more, i'm pretty sure that I'm older than most of you. Also, I get stared at now with desire instead of having to deal with someone who avoided looking at me. The X would barely look me in the eyes never mind stare at my private female parts! What a difference! it's awesome!

Last edited by Judy (October 19, 2016 5:47 am)

Lol, JK!

Seriously though, for a while I went on dates and just wanted some good sex with someone that I felt I could connect with. We would also talk and laugh, but mostly it was grown-up sex.  I had a man who didn't desire me for so long that just to feel passion aimed in my direction felt great! It was fun.

But none of the people I met were something that could work long-term for real.  And so I'd move on. No worries.  I learned a lot about men - how dating one (and sex with one) was so much different in your 40's than in your 20's.  And how 20-somethings look fine but still act 20-something.

Then I started finding men who might work, but didn't work logistically. Too far away, not the same life goals, etc. Then I started to really hone in on what I wanted. GOD the list was long! It included things like similar ages and lifestyles, but also things like "must be willing to dress for the occasion without whining", "can be a good family leader but not overbearing", and "respectful but pushes me when needed". Hell, this man couldn't possibly exist!  But I kept an open mind and kept turning over rocks.

You know what all that dating taught me? LOTS of things! Confidence that I didn't have a problem attracting men.  Which meant that I didn't have to be desperate. To be confident enough in who I was to feel that I didn't have to bend over backwards to make myself what anyone else wanted. Which freed me up to just see what naturally fit. But mostly, what all of this dating did was enable me to recognize authenticity.  I knew how men who could take me or leave me behaved.  Conversely, I immediately recognized what a man who wanted me all the way looked like. He didn't call me on Sat. to ask if I wanted to come over that evening.  He asked me on Tuesday if he could come pick me up and take me out on Sat. By week 3, I knew that this guy was hitting a grand slam. All he had to do was not toss up any red flags. And boy-oh-boy was I watching for them.

I got EVERYTHING I'd ever wanted and more - beyond what I could have ever dreamed of or even imagined.  (All I DIDN'T get was wealthy and washboard abs, and I'd never listed those.)  And you know what? I just let him prove himself to me.  EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.  He didn't need to make up for my ex.  He just had to be his own amazing self and darn it if I didn't begin to heal.  It's like trying to get over an old dog dying - if someone puts a loving puppy in your arms, you're too busy having a blast to cry over what came before it.  Just simply too much joy crept in for the pain to remain.

And everything I went through before just makes me appreciate what I have now all that much more.  I will NEVER take what I have for granted. I was raised on moldy bread crust and now every day feels like fucking caviar.  My biggest worry now isn't that I'll lose the caviar. It's that I won't live to be 100 so I can eat as much caviar in as I can in this lifetime.  I didn't learn how to get here - I just keep saying no until I found my yes.

Kel

That's a great analogy!

Kel wrote:

Remember when you were a little kid and you would see other big kids riding down the street with NO.HANDS, and you would wonder HOW they did that, because you could barely steady the bike using all your might?  Well, that's how this works, too.  You don't learn how to ride without hands - you learn how to ride really well WITH hands, until you're steady with taking them off the handlebars a little bit.  And then one day you're flying and it's no big deal.  That's exactly how this works.

Don't worry about riding with no hands.  Just get on the damned bike and try to have fun. 

Kel

Billie, does your doctor know about your ex and have you been tested for sexually-transmitted diseases? It seems suspicious that his first wife and you have had similar health problems.

Another possibility would be that he was poisoning both of you but probably I have been watching to many mysteries on BBC...

 

Ontheroad,

I am almost 66 years old and I have had the exact same experience but it went on longer. 46 years to be exact. We had hundreds of uncomfortable conversations and when the excuses ran out, he'd just sit in silence and let me cry or simply stop asking. He told me I was crazy.  I felt completely ignored, unwanted, unloved and in the marriage all by myself. There was no sign of him loving me. On March 5, he moved out to be with another man in another long term marriage with a straight woman who still doesn't know and he's staying in his marriage. I threw him out after the man called me and let me know what they meant to each other. I asked my husband and he sat in silence looking at the floor. I feel like my life is all gone but being alone these last 9 months is so much brighter and I now live a life without lies. I am still shocked but if I had to pick the emotion that is the strongest, I'd say I am still profoundly angry. What kind of man does this to his wife of almost five decades? A genuine asshole, that's who. It's not his choice that makes me angry. It's him using up my entire life because he couldn't articulate his choice and allow me to find someone else to  grow old with. I never planned to get old, sick and die alone. I am consumed by anger toward him and I want consequences for his actions. This is just not right. This is a substantial violation of common decency. I am also angry at me for not realizing that not having sex with my husband for 42 years was somehow normal. I do not  ever want to see him again. I wish you nothing but peace in your life ahead. I do think both of us are better off knowing it had nothing to do with us or our sexuality or even how desirable we are. That's our challenge. To remember it was never about that. I share your heartache but I want you to know that life without them is much better than simply being shunned in life and being so sad and lonely. The difference is huge!

Last edited by Judy (December 15, 2016 2:25 am)