He did make your day all about him.  But he's not feeling guilty, although he may be manipulating you.  I would venture to say, based on a similar experience with my trans-identified now-ex on my own birthday, that his email wasn't primarily about you at all.  (My ex sent me an email saying "Someday it will be clear what the right thing for us to do is on a birthday...but not yet," followed by some form of "I wish you well and hope you find happiness.")

   His email was his attempt to act in some fashion he believes is appropriate for his idea of how women act, a move to showcase how "kind" and "noble" he is. (My ex once left Valentine's candy in my work mailbox with a note saying he'd left it in the spirit of "kindness eases change"; the noblesse oblige was astonishing, tone-deaf, and yet unsurprising.)  And yes, it's INFURIATING!  Because if they had an iota of empathy, if they cared one bit about us and the pain they have caused us, they would understand that the kindest thing they could do, the thing we most need from them, is to LEAVE US ALONE!   His email was all about validating himself, and, I wouldn't doubt, an appeal to you to validate him, too.  The extra grr! factor is that if you don't reply, he'll still believe he's the superior one and say, "I don't know why she's so bitter!" 

Good for you for not responding.  Keep it up and after a while he'll get the clue. 

 I'm sorry he intruded on your peace and on your birthday.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 23, 2021 12:48 pm)

Thank you all!! It's good to know that I have ppl who understand me on my roller coaster.

Sadly, I can not block him. There are no children, but the divorce decree is not yet finalized and he's being an A@#$@#,  Looks like I'm headed back to court. He forgot one crucial detail pertaining to some stocks that he owns and thought he was being "nice" by offering me money on stocks I don't necessarily own. I didn't see it that way and it was a lopsided side deal. Due to the way the decree is written, he is in contempt of court and now he wants it amended. He has to pay lawyer fees if we go back to court, so I guess now you want to be fair or I just say "No" to everything and he can pay lawyer fees until I feel like being "fair".

Last edited by LostAtSea (July 23, 2021 1:09 pm)

A judge has signed off on the divorce settlement, however I have to wait ANOTHER 120 days for it to be official and finalized. So it's the waiting period now. Once I have that document in hand, I will feel so much better and can start moving on with my life (change back to my maiden name on all my document, etc).

The decree also allows us to go back to court to have it amended at any time. He thinks he's doing me a "favor" by giving me a side deal however I did the math and I do not see it as a deal. It is in fact lopsided and this will be for the next 5 years!  After an exchange of 4 emails later, now he tells me I'm deserving off ALL the stocks and he doesn't want any of them. How convenient that I'm now "deserving" of it and after I call you out on a lopsided deal and because now I want to go back to court?  If I deserved them to begin with, why the back and forth email? 

I'm not backing down anymore.  I told him I'm prepared to go to court and I have nothing else to lose because he selfish ruined and took everything from me. I countered his offer for a better deal or I am prepared for both parties to lose money.  I didn't count on these stocks for extra money, so I am prepared to lose it if the decree needs to be amended. 

PS. I handle contracts for a living. He has not learn that when you have a smart ex-wife, you don't stand a chance!
 

LostAtSea,

I read your post and it made me emotional because i am just one month in since the gay bomb was dropped on me... but lately I have had moments of clarity about the narcissism and I dont think I ever really saw it that way.  Like he is so involved in how he feels about your birthday that he cannot control himself and impose on your day.  so selfish to make this day about him and his feelings.  I feel like ...you robbed someone of their free will to choose with all the facts and now you continue making it about you.
Please know i am sending you positive energy and do another dinner and enjoy it to the fullest.  Too much has been taken away...