Sarah—I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. I think longway's advice is really good. Trust your instincts. The anxiety you feel is fight-or-flight mode...It's your body's way of telling you that something's up. I take it you (like the majority of us) didn't know your spouse was not straight when you married him...so you're likely reeling from that discovery (the deception) in addition to the cheating. I think the lies flow freely because our closeted spouses have done it their whole lives. They're expert compartmentalizers. Someone posted an article from Dr. Minwalla that describes the psychological damage that causes:  https://theinstituteforsexualhealth.com/blog-3/ 

I know it's so hard when there's children involved, but your happiness and security are important. You deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you...and proves that through his actions. My advice is to talk to a counselor or trusted friend who has your best interests in mind. This is a lot to try to tackle on your own. Post here whenever you need to. 
Take care xx

 

You are so early into this, and it's awful.  Remember that you do not have to make decisions about anything immediately and have time process what's going on.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.

My ex-wife crossed three critical boundaries.  First, she knowingly concealed her sexuality from me, and I never would have knowingly married someone who wasn't straight.  Second, she had a secret affair with a woman, and infidelity is not tolerable to me.  Third, she was epically dishonest in dragging me into her closet, covering up her sexuality, lying about her affair and gaslighting the heck out of me after I discovered it.  All three of these were independent deal killers for my marriage.  We met in 1998, married in 2004 and had three beautiful kids together.  What she did to the kids and to me was intolerable.

The bit about him choosing to be with a woman if you leave him?  That's another lie.  He's trying to make himself seem "less gay" to convince you to stay in the closet with him.  He wants a dude, as shown by his "pre you" history, maintaining a secret flame with a dude, and sending explicit photos to a dude.  Judge him by his actions rather than his words.  Actions tell the truth.

Keep posting, and good luck.  This board is here for you.

 

So I am in a very similar situation with you as of one month. What have I learned?  There are lies upon lies and lies.  My husband started an emotional relationship with a man abroad and told me he was not gay.  That was a lie.  Then I said why didnt you tell me and he said i was not planning to.  So one thing I have learned is follow your gut, it is not wrong.  Also the levels of deception are incredible and at first I was very much doing all the supporting for him and then I realized that I have to focus on me.  I am focusing on detaching because I will not stay married to a gay man.  That is not a world i want to live in for the rest of my life.  I rather be alone than always wondering about affairs and betrayal.  I am working on me, because I am in a storm right now.  My blood pressure is through the roof, i cant sleep, i cant eat and all i do is cry on and off. 

I will not dig further because I already have all the information I need and I don't want to read texts and continue digging for more pain.  He is gay, he deceived me, he lied to me, he betrayed me.  A marriage is not about that for me and he is not attracted to women so there it is.  He is and wants to be closeted but wants to have this alternate persona on social media platforms and messaging via wassapp to conceal data and text messages.  Does that sound like something i want to endure for years to come.  NO.

I am working on an exit strategy because I want to be free from this as soon as I can.  You are not alone and all of the members here have helped me. I am reading, focusing on me.. my mental health and my physical health.  I am checking my finances and hope to work on a peaceful separation.... he does not need to know my plan but it is in motion.

Definately read what has been advised here.  It has been so helpful as longewayhome posted- The Secret Sexual Basement and also Lyla. 

Again, follow your gut...i wished I would have followed mine earlier because i am 21 years married and 27 years total in this relationship.  I am also feeling the same anxiety you are feeling.
Hang in there... so sorry you are in this club..but all the members are so helpful.
 

Lyla,

Other than instinctual practices like speaking about non emotional stuff and just transactional interactions, no I dont.  I started going out more with friends- taking walks by myself and trying to keep myself busy alone.  I am focusing on “not caring” because I get angry as hell seeing him all giggly on his phone….I love him but not willing to subject myself to this.  I was deceived, would he have told me before marriage he was gay i would have NEVER conciously married him and he 100% knows that.