You need to ensure that she is comfortable with who she is. I am prepared to let my wife go, to let her be a genuine self. There is nothing for me in a relationship with a closeted gay partner that I am prepared to endure. As a man, my duty is to make sure that my family are protected, provided for and as happy as they can be. If I lose out in that equation, so be it. I will have kept my bargain as a Father and a Husband. I will not be able to face my future in any shape or form without my past being one based on honour and integrity. I honestly live my life as if my Father was permanently looking over my left shoulder, and my Mother over my right. I have to be able to meet those eyes without guilt or shame. You can repay the good from your wife by ensuring that she is happy and safe on her journey. That is your debt paid in full. The future is then yours.

Ordinary guy

4893 days…

If you are feeling suicidal reach out for help.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline:  800-273-8255

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

SickSadWeeb wrote:

I wish I knew how to cope with pain in ways other than self destruction. I have to wait atleast 1 month before going to visit my only 2 friends. I have to live for 1 more month here with my ex, and it hurts so bad. I really dont know if I have that much time in me...I really dont think I do. But I dont have any other options. I hope I make it...I hope I do, but...i dont know.

You can make it. You have the number to call, you have the Forum to unload on. This is a very specific time in your life to prove to yourself you have the inner strength to withstand the emotions that you think are going to overwhelm you. The change in you has to come from you though. And it's a realisation that actually the recovery from this, your healing as a person is more important than drowning in the hurt you feel. 
When my 40 yo son had lost his home, out of touch with his partner and girls, living in a city park in a cold Australian winter and had nobody but his family in NZ trying to keep his spirits up...he told me he'd thought of "necking himself" twice (I didn't ask what that means, I wouldn't even urban dictionary it, I know that he wanted to finally feel nothing). But I like to think that our constant communication with him, at all times of the day or night.... helped him draw from the resilience he had at his core. Suicide stops you from realising your potential as a human being. Let's help you over these speedbumps, these potholes in the road.
 
Can either of your 2 friends come to visit you? Do either of them know how bad you're feeling at the moment? 

Elle

 

Unfortunately they cant, its already been discussed. I dont blame them they have families jobs and a real life outside of the friend whose breaking down. And they know its bad...but not this bad. I keep promising them I wont kill myself and that I will make to my vacation to see them. But I cant tell anyone how close I am to killing myself...it would just make them worry more. And I hopefully wont so why do that to them, i've called the hotline prior times in my life and just end up hanging up I feel like theyre trying to find my location to send me to a mental hospital and im not going there. Ever. 

Im so tired of proving my mental strength, ive been doing since i was 9 years old. Its exhausting and I just want a break. Sorry, I dont mean to like yell or argue with you, im just responding. 
 

SickSadWeeb wrote:

.....Im so tired of proving my mental strength, ive been doing since i was 9 years old. Its exhausting and I just want a break. Sorry, I dont mean to like yell or argue with you, im just responding...

I didn't think you were yelling. Youi'd be typing in caps if you were yelling right?  

If you have known that you've been feeling hopeless/helpless since 9 yo.....fuck really? that's so young!.....and you're mid-30s now? that is some powerful self-awareness you must have. Do you talk to yourself internally all the time...be your own counselor as it were because you don't want to 'bother' anybody with your troubles? Been there done that. I often thought my own self-analysis was way better than anybody else'

Elle
 

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

SickSadWeeb wrote:

.......The idea of being on meds makes me sick, but i know its what best for me. Its so dumb and I hate even saying it but taking meds/getting meds/admitting i need them makes it feel like my attackers won. I wish I could describe it in a non petty way but I cant...... 

What attackers are you talking about?
 

Sent you a PM