Lost dad,
March 5 I told him the marriage was over and he had a week to get out. He moved out within a week and as soon as he did, I could feel the enormous power of some other presence here watching over me. Things just fell into place with no effort at all.  I think I probably would have had a stroke or heart attack had he remained one more week. The Gay lover and he were ganging up on me in brutal ways and my blood pressure was ridiculously high for the last five years, but the much greater power stepped in and stopped all of it at once in a blink.  Many weeks and a few months later, everything I experienced made me feel someone was watching over me and making things that affected my new life much easier. I'm a good Christian and I know who it was. I think God has a plan for me and I don't think I have to do a thing. Just trust that it's going to be much better in life than where I have been. Reading what you posted makes me think he's watching over you as well. 
Judy

I'm on the roller-coaster for sure!  

I've been reading a lot of posts and talking to a lot of people and doing research on the internet.  I keep coming back to a concept that I think explains what has been going on in my life.  Perhaps it was Billie who has been offering me some council that told me this.. (Thank you!!! by the way)..   

Our bodies have self-defense and protection mechanisms from both physical and emotional harm.  When we have intense grief, stress and emotional pain, our bodies know we are at our limit and shut down certain aspects of those stresses so that we don't become completely overwhelmed and destroy ourselves.  We deal with as much as we can and become numb to the rest.  When the issues we are dealing with can be processed and we can start to handle those, then our body allows us to take on the next set of issues.  We have to deal with everything in due time.. but not all at once.  This tends to create a roller-coaster like emotional pattern.  We are devastated, shut down some things, deal with what we can, then start to feel a little better.  We start to feel human again.  The we are ready to deal with the next emotional wound so we go back down into that pit.  Fortunately, each time we hit the low point, it isn't quite as low and doesn't take quite as long to come out. 

That's where I'm at right now.  A week or two ago I was going up the hill, starting to see some optimism and hope and feel like a human being again.  Now I'm back in the valley dealing with another aspect of the pain and suffering. 

Specifically, I'm now dealing with the loss of her love for me and the reality that she is directing that love toward someone else.  I overheard her talking on the phone, saying "I love you" to her new woman.  I haven't heard that tone and passion in her voice for many years, but I remember it.  I remember when our relationship was new and exciting and passionate.  It hurts me that I've lost that.  It hurts me even more that she has that passion for another person.. while we are still married.  

I'm hurt that she's a lesbian.  That was my first wound.. that was the cut that opened up my flesh and laid bare my vital organs.  Finding out that she was lying to me and that we didn't have a future together and that all my hopes and dreams were destroyed was crushing and nearly killed me.  The next blow was finding out that she had cheated on me.  That was truly a knife in the back.. a deep cut through my body toward my heart.  Knowing that the woman I had given my life to and was sold out for had used her body and given herself completely to another person and totally violated our vows and commitments and love and relationship was one of the most painful and devastating wounds I can imagine.   Now I'm in my third valley.  This version is me dealing with my wife being madly in love with someone else.  It's the pain in remembering how much she loved me and how wonderful that made me feel and now hearing that love in her voice as she gives it to someone else.  It makes me physically sick.  I will get over it though.  

I will face each of these valleys head on.  I will take on as much pain and grief as I can bare.  I will not push it aside to deal with later.  I will face it straight away.  I will cry and I will shake and I will lose sleep, but I will get through it and I will heal and I will do that as soon as possible.  I refuse to give her any more of my life.  The sooner I can get healthy, the better parent I will be to my boys, and that is what is most important. 

Last edited by lostdad (October 21, 2016 9:40 am)

You're never, ever, going to be able to move forward until she is gone. It's continuously getting the wound that have started to scab over a bit ripped wide open again.  The person that you trusted unconditionally is the one that has imploded your life and family, and you still have to look at her and play nice every day. That's not healthy for you.  But beyond that, it sure is a flipping roller coaster, but the hills start getting less steep and scary as time goes on.

First of all, Happy Birthday. I hope you can enjoy it. Your body is screaming at you, please listen to it. You have to be physically and mentally healthy for your boys, and that means you are in charge now. She doesn't get to decide, end of story. Their promises are worthless, their word means nothing. Set a date and she needs to go, she can go live with the girlfriend, not your problem. She should have figured this out by now. What you are experiencing is normal, we've all been there, but you can't continue this way. You'll be amazed at the calm that comes over your house once the toxicity is gone, and you can finally grieve and breathe.

Lost dad,

Happy Birthday (belated)! You will not be able to move forward in any way until she's moved out. No good can come of her using you for her meal ticket. It's an existence that can result in heart attacks, strokes and even death for you. The panic attack event is a warning. She wants to lie some more and stuff screwing women in your face to watch the impact. They love to be important in any way they can especially in the end. In other words, she's loving your pain whether she admits it or spins it up to be otherwise. You can't believe anything she says at this point. For her to do what she's doing right under your nose is just cruel and disrespectful. You are better than this. Get her out of that house. Do it for you and your children. She's not being a good mother and is completely using you.

I can identify with the photo of the full toilet. Mine took a shit over FaceTime with me to discuss our business. He also stopped by the house a couple of weeks after I made him move out and let out one of our dogs for me to run after or lose knowing that my leg is screwed together and I can't run. I tried and fell while my dog ran off. He left me there sobbing on the ground unable to get up screaming the dogs name to come back. I've told him to never come here again when I realized this was a new game to hurt me some more as if he hasn't enough. He's done other things. We are now on a NO CONTACT rule I set up.

The devastating fact is neither my husband or your wife have good intentions for either of us at this point and the only thing you can do is GET AWAY from her. I have and after I did, things we much more resolved and better. Please look out for yourself. I fear for your health and you are clearly the only viable mature parent your kids have at this point. I wish I could hug you. I understand your situation and the enormous and debating pain. I am sorry for your pain.

Judy

Last edited by Judy (October 24, 2016 2:01 pm)