OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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1 of 1- Joe91
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Wife came out as bi or lesbian
My wife of 19 years came out to me after a encounter with a (friend). They were on a girls trip to the beach and had their affair she later talked to me about being bi or gay and and we came to the conclusion that she needed to try to figure things out by having a sexual experience with a woman. The conversation happened after the infidelity which hurts I love my wife and want to be supportive by saying that she needed to experience it to find out if she is gay or bi. My wife had a hysterectomy and the sex drive was non existent so I thought that was it although she said she felt something like a bond or closeness with her she still was not sexually aroused during the act. I'm in a rollercoaster of emotions, anger, betrayal sadness. I'm hoping someone else had been though the same I just need advice.
- stevo
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Re: Wife came out as bi or lesbian
Hey Joe. My wife of 22 years, together 30, came out to me as gay on July12 2020. She was my everything, we have a 10 year son that means the world to us. so I know the pain ,all too well. My best advice? Be kind to yourself. Don't blame yourself for any of this.Have you told anyone close to you? Friends of family? if not, you may want to consider this,mI told my sister that day after D day and I don't know what I would have done without her. It has been a year, and I find myself getting stronger each and every day. We are still living together ,but we now give each other the space we need. Be prepared for the roller coaster, it's a bitch! But just remember, it does get better! Good luck Joe, One day at a time, one hour at a time if needed. We have been where you are now, and it sucks! But know that there are people here with a wealth of knowledge that will help you through this journey, good luck !
You can hurt me with the truth,but please don't love me with your lies.
- rekamc
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Re: Wife came out as bi or lesbian
My ex GID-LW played the "I'm bi card" with me after I caught her cheating (with another married woman). She also milked the hell out of that excuse for the longest time; "My hormones are out of whack, I have no sex drive" (I'm not saying this is the case with you/your wife) but from what I have gathered (by immersing myself in the whole Late Bloomer Lesbian subculture -- don't ask), it's the number 1 go to excuse when it comes to avoiding any type of intimacy (hand holding, hugging, kissing, sex, etc..) from their male husbands
- Soaplife
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Re: Wife came out as bi or lesbian
Joe91, well that sux. She didn't talk to you about her doubts or feelings. She actually went ahead and decided to secretly have sex with someone other than you. That is cheating. And thats a character problem not a sexuality problem.
Its what you want that matters now. If its a dealbreaker, go. If you want to try and work it out, best of luck. Just remember she was prepared to blow up your marriage for a secret f*ck.
Keep strong and honest however you decide to navigate through the pain and emotional fallout from her betrayal - the only way is through.
- MJM017
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Re: Wife came out as bi or lesbian
Hello Joe91,
Am very sorry. That's the worse thing ever to have a spouse cheat. Just a guess here, but think she is gay by telling you she's not interested in you after the hysterectomy...and this happens.
It sounds like you're still processing everything. There's a post on this board that may be helpful if you haven't seen it - First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT.
Make sure that any decision you make is the one you truly want to make. Don't feel pressured or leave an open-ended date for you wife to explore. That is unfair. You don't want this to grind you down.
Best regards,
Maria
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- rekamc
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Re: Wife came out as bi or lesbian
Joe91: a handful of us here (myself included) were/are married to closeted lesbians -- just browse through the Support and Our Stories sub sections and you will find dozens of stories similar to yours.
Last edited by rekamc (July 20, 2021 7:59 am)
- Blue Bear
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Re: Wife came out as bi or lesbian
Here's my story: . I wrote to Chump Lady at the suggestion of another wonderful straight spouse on this board.
I'm sorry you are here. My ex-wife blamed her same-sex affair on me (!!), a mid-life crisis, her hyper conservative upbringing, blah, blah, blah. Don't spend time getting sucked into that nonsense. Infidelity is infidelity, and it hurts like the worst form of hell on Earth that there is. (Trust my firsthand experience.). And it is never earned, deserved or justified. The only thing you did wrong was not being the lesbian that your wife was too cowardly to tell you she needed. And trust me, your wife knew about her same-sex attraction long ago but decided it would be better (for her) to keep it secret from you.
I got out, and I'm thrilled that I did. I am now in a very healthy, mutually respectful and loving relationship with a beautiful straight spouse. Chump Lady sent me an additional line of advice: "Hang in there. Do the hard things. Life is so much better on the other side of a fuckwit."
I cannot give you better advice than that.
- Clif
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Re: Wife came out as bi or lesbian
Sorry you have to be here Joe. I was married 27 years. She left 6 weeks after that anniversary. Kids were grown and moved out. Guess that is what she was waiting for. I was devastated. But that was 2010. Now I have been married to a straight woman for 10 years and we spend much time together. Now my biggest pain, since I am close to retirement, was the fact that she took half of my pension with her. On day this may all be in the rearview mirror for you and you will be ok.
Be well.
Clif
Last edited by Clif (July 20, 2021 1:04 pm)