Reading this was like walking in the desert and being handed some water.
Thanks so much !

Ah!! "The difference'.... always an interesting conversation.

There's a lot to love about women... ALL women... but in this case we are talking about straight women. Women attracted to men.

If a woman is attracted to a man it's in her eyes, in her smile, in her voice and in her touch. It's in her actions and her re-actions. We all know what love should be.  We all now how it is supposed to feel. Having a spouse who 'likes' you or who might even 'love' you but is NOT attracted to you is just ... less.  It's not necessarily horrible... but  it's less... and most of us straight spouses end up settling for less.

Emotional stuff aside... and dealing purely with the physical I'll say this - I love lady bits.  I love how a woman looks... I love how a woman feels. In a relationship that kind of attraction should be a two way street.  'The difference' for me was finding a woman who loved my man bits as much as I loved her woman bits. I knew when she looked at me or touched me she was seeing and feeling something she appreciated, something that turned her on and gave her pleasure.

I don't have to 'impose' myself on her.  I don't have to beg to have sex. I'm no longer made to feel like she's going through the motions of sex just to 'meet my needs' or get me off her back. She wants me as much as I want her. Believe me... after 20 years of being with a closeted lesbian THAT is a revelation. 

 I'm 19 months post-reveal, and have been figuring out whether we have a future.  As the wife of a closeted trans autogynephile (a man who is sexually excited by the idea of himself as a woman, and who wishes he could become one), I reacted so strongly, Steve and Jenn, to what you said.
Steve, what you said about the difference you felt when you found a "woman who loved my man bits as much as I love her woman bits" strikes at the heart of things.  In my case, however, my husband loves my "lady bits" but hates his own "man bits."  Our sex, no matter in what other ways satisfying, always leaves me sad, because I want to make love with a man who is happy in his own maleness--so I can be, too.  I, like Jenn, want to  "lov[e] the sex that person is," but his biological sex is at odds with his sexuality (a man who pretends he's a woman making love with a woman).
  
 

Thanks Jenn, I am 38 and hopeful... putting my fear out for good.  I can't wait to feel that feeling of friendship with my future lover.  The mind games are over!  Thanks for sharing your story.  I'm ENCOURAGED!

Not to be too graphic..  but I learned that in order for me to ever get anything, I had get very good at pleasing her first.  If I did well enough to satisfy her, she would give me a couple minutes of her time for me to satisfy myself or occasionally have intercourse with her.  In those occasions it was typically accompanied by the "are you done yet" look in her eyes and the way she would sigh with.. well.. not exactly pleasure. 

There were a few occasions when I knew she was honestly desiring me.. and those few (like 4 or 5 times in 16 years of marriage) are burned into my brain as moments of sheer joy.  I wonder what it would be like to experience that on a weekly basis. 

I'm not so young and not so healthy anymore either.  I'm angry that I've missed out on my best years.  But I guess I have some good years left and I hope that I will fully appreciate what joy might be coming in the future because I've experiences so much disappointment in that area. 

Last edited by lostdad (October 18, 2016 2:35 pm)