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July 18, 2021 11:05 am  #1


New and feel like i am caught in whirlwind of mixed emotions- HELP

I am new to this and ignored the red flags for quite some time.  Met my husband at 17 and been married for 21 years and together for 27.   I FINALLY got the courage to get him to come out to me and tells me that he has had orientation thoughts since he was 17 and we come from religious backgrounds and so he thought it would work itself out.  The story is sad because we are each others first and only and he is genuiely a good person.  Fast track to last month- i see him WAY too involved in social media and texting apps and then he comes out to me... then 2 weeks later i still see very constant activity and see that he has been flirting with gay man and seems to have an emotional affair with one.  I know it is over. I do not want to work it out because i dont see the point.  I love him and do not want to destroy him or me while we peel apart a relationship this old.  In my eyes, emotional affairs are cheating and he does not seem to have any ability to stop texting this person... who by the way lives in another country.  I need help on how to handle this because i am mourning a 27 year old relationship and i also need to learn how to detach and i also need to help him accept himself so we both can have a chance to live in honesty and our best selves.  I am heartbroken. 

 

July 18, 2021 12:11 pm  #2


Re: New and feel like i am caught in whirlwind of mixed emotions- HELP

Hi…from someone NOT new to the situation.

I’m the wife of a bisexual man who DID cheat with men (oral sex) for the first 15 1/2 years of our relationship. I had absolutely NO idea. We got married at 51 (me) and 53 (him). He had never been married…partying bachelor & I had been married 32 years and recently widowed. We had dated twice in high school, so I knew him before and we became great friends fast and were married within a year. 
Everything was great until he accidentally showed me a nude photo of a man on his iPad (CL, men seeking men, before they removed that)…. And, with his ‘permission’, I started searching his devices and finding dating sites, porn, emails to men and more….which he lied about all of them for 16 1/2 months..saying “I never had sex with any of those men!!!!!”. I searched everything & finally found something from his phone/AT&T records & he admitted to ONE man….6 months later, facing a polygraph, he finally admitted to doing it the entire time with many men…all hookups. SOme from dating sites/some from the local porn video store where they’d go in the back rooms & have oral sex…

The one thing he DIDN’T do was have an emotional relationship. He never even had lunch with any of them.

The reason I mention ALL of that is that it’s SO much more than the online emotional affair your husband has had, and yet we’ve managed to repair our relationship (still a work in progress after all the cheating, but good). So, it’s totally up to you, but it can be done.

It’s a good rule of thumb when things like this happen to not make any big changes for a year. That gives you time to talk to each other & find out exactly how you both feel about each other and the situation. A lot of open and honest communication is so important….and, because it’s uncharted territory, a therapist is a good idea. Getting individual therapists to start and then once you’ve each learned about yourselves, a marriage counselor can help you talk to each other….


As they say, just some suggestions. Take them with a ‘chunk of salt’. 

All the best to you and remember to take care of yourself, no matter what happens.

 

July 18, 2021 12:18 pm  #3


Re: New and feel like i am caught in whirlwind of mixed emotions- HELP

delete
 

Last edited by Lynne (July 15, 2022 6:36 pm)

 

July 18, 2021 12:52 pm  #4


Re: New and feel like i am caught in whirlwind of mixed emotions- HELP

Lynne wrote:

Hi newtotheclub,

Unfortunately, you, like most of us, are more than heartbroken.  It may be beneficial for you to read "The Secret Sexual Basement" by Dr Omar MInwalla.  He has studied the impacts on partners who have been deceived.  Very helpful and validating to us.

https://secureservercdn.net/72.167.241.180/226.c7e.myftpupload.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/The-Secret-Sexual-Basement_7_6_21.pdf?time=1625615316

You said  "I need help on how to handle this because i am mourning a 27 year old relationship and i also need to learn how to detach and i also need to help him accept himself .."  Just a word of caution, you cannot help him to accept himself, only he can do this and possibly he is not capable of doing it.   You must focus on yourself and learning to detach is a good first step. 

^^I second this. A very good resource for your current position.

4891 days…


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

July 18, 2021 1:14 pm  #5


Re: New and feel like i am caught in whirlwind of mixed emotions- HELP

Hi newtotheclub,

Am so sorry you find yourself here. Please read the first post on this thread if you haven't already:
First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1217

newtotheclub wrote:

In my eyes, emotional affairs are cheating and he does not seem to have any ability to stop texting this person... who by the way lives in another country.  I need help on how to handle this because i am mourning a 27 year old relationship and i also need to learn how to detach and i also need to help him accept himself so we both can have a chance to live in honesty and our best selves.  I am heartbroken. 

He can stop. He doesn't want to stop. Adults are not on auto-pilot. Those with substance abuse addictions who have extremely strong cravings have a choice, too. Alcoholics Anonymous would be a failure if there was no choice for the alcoholic but to drink.

Take care,
Maria 




 


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

July 18, 2021 5:09 pm  #6


Re: New and feel like i am caught in whirlwind of mixed emotions- HELP

New,

Please start building a support system..your grief is real and you need to process it.   

I surmise he probably isn't grieving anything.  And that is the difference between us and them.

What I found useful was to cry, grieve, but put a limit om how long..them stop and go do something to get my mind off it.   I spent years working on my deck but it had nothing to do with the final results.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

July 19, 2021 11:24 am  #7


Re: New and feel like i am caught in whirlwind of mixed emotions- HELP

You mention that you "do not want to destroy him".  You need to look at this differently.  He knew he was same-sex attracted, failed to tell you that over the decades, thought that things would magically and illogically be ok through his knowingly dragging an unknowing straight woman into the closet with him, and is now having an emotional affair with a dude he's never actually met who lives in another country.  Consider whether this is the behavior of a "genuinely good person".

If he is "destroyed", that's the consequence of his deliberate choices through decades of deceiving you.  Your job isn't to protect him.  Your job is to start protecting yourself.  As for what worked for me?  A damn good lawyer, a good support network to whom I could tell my story (yes, you can tell people he's gay and having an affair -- that's your right), an excellent therapist, and distancing myself from my ex-wife.

Bonus piece of advice.  My ex-wife was deep in denial, and still remains that way even though she is still in a relationship with the girlfriend who blew apart our marriage.  My ex-wife came from a deeply religious (or should I say, "repressed") childhood in south Texas.  When she could not reconcile her beliefs with her actions, she made me the target.  She painted me as "abusive", an alcoholic and all sorts of other utterly bogus personality types.  I highly recommend starting the distancing process now and finding your own physical space (kick him out or find your own) to  further protect yourself.

 

July 20, 2021 7:37 am  #8


Re: New and feel like i am caught in whirlwind of mixed emotions- HELP

It has been very eye opening to read these posts and it has helped me.  Thanks for  Lynne for the suggestion on reading the article and honestly i am shifting my perspective.   I am working on myself, my mental health and my exit strategy and trying not to focus on trying to find more about the dishonesty as I have all the information I need to move on.  I know some people want to work it out but I could not live any more years with someone who is gay.  It will not work for me.  Honestly, these posts helped me a lot and I will continue to read because i did feel lost without a map in a land i have never been in.  I feel now i have some things to work off as i detach.

     Thread Starter
 

July 22, 2021 2:01 pm  #9


Re: New and feel like i am caught in whirlwind of mixed emotions- HELP

@newtotheclub....I am also in a similar situation (I discovered all of this one week before our 4th anniversary) and my heart is shattered.  @SusanneH thank you for sharing that you are trying to make it work.  At the moment my mind is spinning so much that I don't know where to start.
My husband is a kind man, and dotes on me- he is not the gaslighting type I have read so much about. That being said- I have also found dating sites, and images of him with men.....although I have no frame of time reference. We have been together for 8 years- my heart wants to think it was before that time....but, the dating site started 2 months after we were married 4 years ago. I am afraid to tell him exactly what it is that I know because it is the only information I have on what is going on.
Finding counseling is proving difficult due to covid- and I cannot even bring myself to contact an attorney to know where I would stand when this all blows up. I am stuck on the this can't be happening....this man who has been so good to me, who spends all his time with us doing things together, and making plans for our future. How is that the same man that is on fetish sites and trans dating apps and apparently hooking up with men during the day while I am at work? I am starting to feel robbed of the life I thought I was living. I am so hurt, so shocked- and in so much pain. I cannot wrap my head around any of this. 
Sending hugs to all of you- I am so sorry for all that we have lost. 

 

July 22, 2021 2:30 pm  #10


Re: New and feel like i am caught in whirlwind of mixed emotions- HELP

@New - I'm so sorry you are going through this painful time. I hope this forum provides you the support you need to reflect on your path for a new journey.  I pray you are doing okay.

@Durga - I too thought I had a great husband and someone who was so good to me and my family. We were best friends and spent all our time together, no kids and planned to retire soon. He was my everything or so I thought. I am astonished by his deceit and lies. After 16 years together, I had NO idea about this fetish sites and looking at trans porn. I discovered he was addicted to porn shortly after we married, but he never told me what kind. Then it all blew up when he was by himself for 2 wks doing all kinds of things under the sun. He finally ambushed me with a phone call that he was trans and now bi trans. The 2 wks he spent alone on secret accounts, fetish sites, and dating sites seeking me who were bisexual and into transfemales sending nude photos and sexting.  I was able to access his dating sites and cross dresser accounts and there are a TON of married men with wives on there being deceived. I feel sick just thinking about the  trauma everyone has to endure living out lies of cowardly people who put their spouses in their closets. There is no easy way to deal with any of this. All this is so shocking and it's a roller coaster. I am about 8 months since D day and it has not been easy, but slowly one day at a time. 

 

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