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1 of 1- Heartbroken49
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I know it’s wrong
Hi everyone, I’m having a bad time with my thoughts recently and would appreciate some clarity. For those that don’t know, my husband came out as gay to me a couple of months ago and had moved out within a week or so. He made no effort to stay in our 32 year marriage, just left saying he hopes we can still be friends. Our child (20+) still stays at home with me, but is still in regular contact with him and I’m really struggling with this. He is obviously chatting to them about things and they will then relay some of it to me. Basically that he is looking for someone to spend his life with, that he wants to be happy and they want that for him too. I am so hurt hearing these things as I thought I made him happy, and we would spend our days together. I don’t understand how anyone can justify his behaviour. I have been left to get a job and work every shift I can to make ends meet. I have no living family and he isolated me from everyone I used to know. In saying that I don’t think I want people to know why we split, it just makes me feel more useless than I already do. I have taken off my wedding ring and just tell new people I meet I’m separated because he’s reliving his youth. I was/am coping, but not when I hear what he’s up to or that I need to get used to the fact he is going to meet someone. Why is this deemed acceptable? I know it’s wrong but I wanted him to suffer, more than I’ve been made to. I also know I shouldn’t expect our child to have no contact but it hurts so much that there isn’t a single person totally on my side that sees what he has done to me and who could help me with navigating this, so I feel I have to just plod on and not worry about what he’s doing. The only place I feel I can speak my truth is here with people who have/are going through the same thing. I am dealing with a child who is now on anti depressants and I try to keep my thoughts about him to myself, as they don’t need anymore to worry about, I don’t want to say that I don’t want to hear anything about him to them as they are so sensitive at the moment, they still want to be around him and scrape any affection they can from him, but I just can’t wait for karma to kick in and for him to feel it. I would rather never see/hear or speak his name again but unfortunately that’s not an option. Sorry for such a negative post just really needed to get these thoughts out.
- BirdSolveig
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Re: I know it’s wrong
Dear Heartbroken, I am really sorry that things are so tough for you now. It must be very hard not to have a family to support you through all of this. Keep reaching out to friends. I really don't think you have any obligation to keep your GH's secret. That is not fair to you at all. I told all of my close friends and relatives when my TXH came out. Thanks for sharing and take care. BirdSolveig
- Ordinary guy
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Re: I know it’s wrong
Having his cake and eating it as the saying goes. He has regressed into a blissfully innocent child state while you are left as the responsible adult. A common theme, so it would seem for the straight spouses here and probably everywhere. I am truly sorry that you have no family to turn to at this time when you could really do with some support. If you were in the UK I would come round for a coffee and you could unload both barrels of your frustration. That is what it is, frustration that you are left picking up the pieces of your marriage while your husband is off in cloud cuckoo land. Are you having to pay the mortgage on your own? Is it a joint mortgage? You are perfectly at liberty to tell people why he left. You cannot allow yourself to take any guilt or responsibility for this situation. He has behaved deplorably toward you and you cannot be party to any feelings of embarrassment he has created. You are the better person and you should hold your head high in the knowledge that whereas he has the odd phone call with your son, you are the one who is looking after him. Be bitter about him and what he is doing. I am bitter toward him, and I don’t know him from Adam.
No one can justify his behaviour. You are not useless Solveig. Reconnect with those whom you have been isolated from and tell them why he caused the isolation and why he has left. If they had a shred of decency they will come back into your life when you need them.
Peer Gynt was indeed a man of no morals and a cheat. Solveig waited for his return, let the melody of Solveig’s song shine a light in your soul and reinvigorate your spirit to find someone worthy of your love.
4887 days…
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I know it’s wrong
Heartbroken49 wrote:
..
When I was looking for support 4 years ago one of the possibilities was a women's group for women who had been divorced/widowed. That's kinda what we feel right?
Why shouldn't you speak your truth!! You have all this emotion you can't express, but if you keep it inside we all know that's no good for your health. The thought you shouldn't speak is something that only you can change. You'll have to see your voice as just as, if not more important as your children's father's voice.
I know about spending every moment with my partner to the detriment of my own social circle but of course I realised too late what the effects would be, but my family became my confidentes, mostly my children (except my oldest son who was, like yours, challenged by depression). It sounds to me as if your children don't even realise the depth of your heartbreak. Why is that?
Elle
KIA KAHA
- MJM017
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Re: I know it’s wrong
Dear Heartbroken,
Am so sorry. My long term in the closet husband (ex and passed away) acted like a teenager most of our marriage. He didn't pay bills and refused to work the last 6 years of our marriage. It felt like a prison sentence. I was miserable. I know how you feel. It was a relief after I dumped and divorced him.
It may help you to consult divorce attorneys to see what your financial and legal rights are. The first hour is free. I received a lot of great advice.
He has abandoned payments on joint assets and debts. Log it all down. This may come back to haunt him. In my opinion, this is a great way for karma to back him into a corner.
(((Hugs)))
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Heartbroken49
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Re: I know it’s wrong
Thanks everyone I am just going through a really down time at the moment. Holding all these thoughts and feelings in is really difficult and because of the conflict my child is going through I feel like I shouldn’t speak about their father negatively. Living in the UK there doesn’t seem to be the support for people on our particular journey. No support groups etc that the US seems to have. I think the British are brought up with the whole “stiff upper lip and stay strong carry on” so we don’t disclose these kind of revelations. I know we ( my and my child) will get through this, I think I’m just stuck on the fact our marriage was a lie and I poured everything into a man who deceived me for so many years then walked off to enjoy his best life, leaving me devastated and without a backward glance or thought on how I am/would cope. What kind of human does this? Especially to someone that they knew loved him so much and put up with all their BS, lack of affection and no intimacy for so many years. I am beginning to realise that I don’t need him, I just loved the fact that I thought I had my forever love and we would be growing old together. I need to just concentrate on my child feeling better and me making new plans to live my best life without his negativity hindering me. Thanks again to you all for your kind words, advice and time to listen, this site really is a godsend to me. The rollercoaster is more real than I thought possible but with friends like you I will get off this ride in one piece ❤️
- •
Thread Starter- SusanneH
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Re: I know it’s wrong
Heartbroken,
Ah, the good ole roller coaster ride….One day you’ll be off of it and starting a new life. You seem like a loving person, and you’ll be fine.
For now, it’s one moment, one hour, day, week at a time. …Just breathe deeply (my sister used to drive me nuts telling me to do this, but it does work! 😉
I’m sorry you don’t have anyone close to talk to, but you’re always welcome here. You know we understand.
(((((HUGS)))))