First of all to Lostdad, I agree 110&, you need to get some help at work. Many employers offer an employee assistance program, with services provided as a benefit to you, do you have that benefit?
To Michael, wow, just wow! So glad you are finding some support here already, sounds like her new "friend" is going to need a whole lot of luck. You are worthy of a healthy, sane relationship, and this isn't it.

jkpeace wrote:

Lostdad,

My husband was fired from his job.  The advice, here, to give a heads up to your HR department could, indeed, save your job.

My husband did not tell anyone of our struggles, at home.  His reviews suffered.  After 15 years of stellar reviews, at his job, this past year showed lower reviews.  He was fired.  At his firing, when he explained what was going on, they said, "You should have said something and asked for help.  You didn't.  You're still fired."

Maybe tell someone in HR something...whatever you feel comfortable in sharing.

JK

Good advice JK.  If folks here take nothing from this forum they should heed practical advice like this that makes sense.  Some of us had to maintain a job through all this..a job that our spouses want the money from..that they feel entitled to (all that you have is mine..you are garbage and I am entitled to all of it because you made me hide in the closet for so long). A job that puts food on the table for the kids.  But then they were never thinking about the kids..(sorry but having gay sex in a hotel room is not thinking about the kids..no matter how many nice meals you make in front of them).

No need to tell your employer all the horrible details.  It can allow them to cut you a break on the work.  Yes my work suffered as my hands shook with trauma while trying to type.  My ex...oh she was just fine..sitting at home spending the money and thinking she was  morally right and I deserved to shake.

One more thing I want to add, for those reading who might find similarity in their situations. 

If you are new here and have just been blindsided by this situation, please read my advice.  

Please consider doing 3 very important things.  

1.)  Seek professional help.
Find a counselor or therapist to help you with your emotional healing.  Go to your Doctor to get drugs for sleep and anxiety/anti-depressants.   What you are going through is no small thing.  The potential destruction of your life as you know it is a big deal.  The death of your future, the ripping away of a spouse, the betrayal and lies are very real things.  I've read studies that rank spousal adultery and sudden divorce higher than the death of a family member on the list of worst grief and most stressful situations in life.  

I was one of those ignorant people who thought only weak and mentally unstable people went to therapists and got medicine for their emotional health.  It turns out that thanks to some fantastic and potentially life-saving advice, I threw aside my pre-conceived ideas and did seek help.  I'm so glad I did.  It turns out that it's the strongest of people who can admit they need help and seek that help to improve their emotional state to help them get through tough times. 

2.)  Find support!  
Don't keep the secret to yourself.  Confide in family members, close friends, this forum, divorce care or other local support groups, etc..  You need to talk about this.  You need hugs.  You need validation from other adults.  You need to hear compliments.. you deserve them.   You might think you owe your spouse to keep their secret, but you do not.  I'm not advocating that you "out them" in a harmful or malicious way of course.  But you need to find a support group for yourself.   Your spouse has been dealing with this situation for years already.  They have already grieved or perhaps never fully invested in the relationship like you have.  So they have no idea what you are going through and no right to tell you to suffer alone.  If they really loved you, wouldn't they want you to get the help and support you need?

I did this naturally.  I'm not taking credit or patting myself on the back of course.  But I knew that I couldn't deal with this myself.  I just knew I was too weak to try.  So I reached out to the people in my life who were my best sources of support.  These were people who had been there for ME my entire life and not necessarily those who are close to my wife.  I have still not shared her secret with anyone that she would consider HER friend more than I would.  I will not "out" her because I don't want her to be angry with me.  But each person I've told is someone who I can easily defend as being my friend or family member and not someone that she is closer to. 

3.)  Let someone at work know what is going on in your personal life.  
As you've read in the prior posts, you will most likely struggle at work because of the stress you are dealing with at home.  This is natural and to be expected.  You cannot focus as well or give your all when you are in shock, dealing with depression, grief, legal issues, etc..   Go to HR and your manager right away and let them know in advance that you are going to be going through a rough patch and you want to be pro-active and let them know. 

I did this right away.. literally the day after my wife dropped the bomb on me.  I knew that this was going to upset my life and that I would struggle.  I was actually surprised to find out how supportive my employer was.  They had me talk to a psycologist who told me to go to a Doctor and get drugs.  I took two weeks off for disability and worked from home for another week to get back into the swing of things.  They have been understanding of my need to leave work once in a while to deal with issues, court document filing, etc.. 

Michael wrote:

   also, i jumped in on your thread not feeling like i was ready to launch my own. then, based on your encouragement, i started to share. i'm sorry if i hijacked your thread.

No worries at all.   I mean that.  I'm glad you started posting, and if it felt more comfortable to take that first step in this thread that is great.  

Now that you've taken the first step and started posting, I would encourage you to actually start your own new thread.  You can copy/paste what you've written so far and create a new thread with that post.  I'm not trying to monopolize this one, so please don't think that.  i just know from experience that doing that will get more people to read and respond because they might not find your info in the middle of another person's multiple page thread.  It will also feel better because it's dedicated to your situation completely.  

Finally.. If you don't have anyone you feel comfortable talking to in person, please shoot me a direct message and I'll give my cell phone.  You need to have live interaction and I'd be happy to talk with you directly.  The trick will be coordinating schedules.. be we can work that out. 

 

Last edited by lostdad (October 13, 2016 1:49 pm)

There is nothing quite like being told that I'm to blame for her cheating.  

I've been unloading a little of my pain on her in the past few days.  I can't bottle it up and not tell her how much she has hurt me.  Instead of apologizing to me she just deflects and blames other things.. like me


For anyone who is religious like me..  I think I've finally made a breakthrough and perhaps am learning the lesson that God wants me to get out of this so that I can become a healthy and strong person afterwards.  I've been trying so hard to find the lesson because I feel like the sooner I can do this, the sooner I can recover.   But I've been struggling to see what that lesson is.  I keep hearing that I need to trust God, walk with Him, trust Him, rely on Him to bring me peace and happiness.  But I've been struggling to know what that means and how to apply it.  I think I finally get it. 

I need to learn that I can't depend on another human to make me happy and bring me peace and comfort. Human beings are flawed, both physically and mentally and spiritually and cannot be depended on because we are all imperfect.  I can't wrap up my self-esteem, my comfort, my happiness in a female human being.  I need to find these things in God and in myself.  If I depend on my wife for my identity, my self-esteem, my happiness and contentment, my support, I am destined for dissapointment.  The human body is flawed because we live in a fallen world.  The human spirit is flawed because we all have sin.  I cannot expect a human to give me what God wants me to depend on Him for.   It's harder for me to find that in God because I my love language is touch, but I have to learn to not require that from a woman.  When I can find myself and my own self-esteem and my own happiness, then I can add another person to the mix later.  

This is truly a hard road.  But I will get there.  I hope to bring a few people closer to their own success as well as a result of my challenge. 

Last edited by lostdad (October 18, 2016 8:53 am)