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1 - mm92
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Wife Checked Out
Originally posted this elsewhere, someone suggested taking it here-
Wife recently said that she wanted a separation. This came as a shock at the time- things were not perfect, but from where I stood we had weathered worse seasons in the marriage and come through it stronger.
After the initial shock wore off I asked if there was someone else, as the stated reasons for her dissatisfaction seemed a bit inconsistent with my experience and almost incoherent the more I dug into them. Turns out there was, and after mentally going through a process of elimination I asked if it was a new friend of hers who was a lesbian. She affirmed as much, and within days of asking for the separation she was openly dating this person while we still lived in the same apartment with our children.
Soon, a lot of long standing issues in our marriage in terms of communication and intimacy started to make more sense in this context. A good deal of deep and long-standing contempt towards me seemed to have evaporated, either due to guilt, a sense of no longer being trapped, or a bit of both. This much was welcome, but didn't really make up for the careless cruelty of the speed of how quickly she advanced or openly acknowledged this relationship with her new lover and the callous disregard she has shown towards our decade of marriage, at times appearing giddy and unencumbered in a way I haven't seen since the first months of our own romance.I'm still at a loss, working through identifying what needs to be done at this point, in the best interests of the children and own well being with the knowledge that my judgment is severely compromised with sadness, anger, and grief.
Posting here just to vent and because some of the stories I've read here lent a small bit of comfort in knowing that others have been through similar suffering and can relate to the darkness that intrudes into ones thoughts when confronted with this peculiar breed of mourning.
- lily
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Re: Wife Checked Out
sorry to hear all that. it is very painful to live through. yes, the contempt is real. still there, just sidelined for the moment by the affair.
and yes, the sudden discard is horrible but I bet your judgement is still good. It sounds like she is still very taken up with the romance while you are thinking on your feet - maybe you can secure a better outcome by moving forward with the divorce straightaway.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Wife Checked Out
Please go visit ChumpLady.com where you will see that cheating spouses often exhibit the same behavior that you describe--"giddy" and "callous disregard" being two of them--whether they are straight or gay.
- Soaplife
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Re: Wife Checked Out
Im so sorry you are going through this. The entitlement is breathtaking - openly pursuing an affair while still living in the family home. Shameless.
I hope you can get her to leave asap and can get yourself a lawyer to begin the separation/divorce process. It is so sad for you and your children but you seem to know already that you have nothing to work with here - she has moved on.
Its time now to act for you and your kids, to safeguard your sanity and your financial future.
Wishing you strength and wisdom on the journey none of us wanted to be on, out if our marriage. Its the hardest most painful time but there is peace on the other side. Im almost five years out.
- mm92
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Re: Wife Checked Out
Thank you all for the encouragement and guidance. I know enough to know that I am far from clarity at this point- it's as if I've been awoken in the midst of a house-fire with an intuition to keep moving even though I'm still half in a dream not knowing which way is up.
Kids are mostly OK, though the youngest is starting to wonder why mom, who he usually fell asleep next to, is no longer home at bedtime several nights a week. I know they have been around their mother and the girlfriend in neutral settings, though I'm sure they're perceptive enough to pick up on something unusual about the nature of the relationship.
Really, just an incredible and profound experience of annihilation that would almost sound like a punchline prior to living through it.
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Thread Starter- Ordinary guy
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Re: Wife Checked Out
Mm92 my friend,
There is a particular type of hurt that goes with this particularly insidious manner of betrayal. It hurts more than straight infidelity, as it strikes not only at your heart but also at your sense of self. Your whole past is now open to new interpretations and meaning, you will feel that the very ground you are standing on is not as steady as it once was. Know that you are not alone and we are here to listen to you and understand you. The reasons why we are all victims here is not down to us deserving the treatment that we have received. We are victims of being good and decent people, who tried all they could to be accommodating and understanding toward their partners when the majority of people would have simply bailed. We all look at ourselves with a sense of self-recrimination which is entirely false. So many questions about what we could have done differently. We are suffering from the inadequacy of our partners to accept themselves just as they were in a world where anything other than heterosexuality is treated with suspicion. The chemical imbalance in our hormones when in love causes us to act in what appears to be irrational ways to those not gripped by infatuation. You sound as though you understand this and as any good Father would do, you are thinking primarily of your children. This is a hard journey for anyone to take. But, take time to look after yourself in this maelstrom of emotion. All the advice you need is here for you when you need it. Remember that you are now the only rational adult in your family and set your anchor where you stand. You have been wronged, we can set you right.
4884 days....
Last edited by Ordinary guy (July 11, 2021 5:49 am)
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
- Ordinary guy
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Re: Wife Checked Out
longwayhome wrote:
Guys,
let’s not think of ourselves as victims. We were victimized yes, badly but now we are survivors of this mess and we will one day thrive again. Believe that.
In my mind a victim stays a victim, it creates a mindset that can further hurt us. Just my opinion. Victims stay victims, it can become a mind set if we are not careful and that can hurt us in deeper ways.
We were used unknowingly.
We are victims of circumstance. The important step to take is the acknowledgment of the circumstances as unavoidable to us. What you are talking about is the refusal to accept a victim mindset. This is done by accepting that the circumstances were not of our making in any shape or form. I accept that I am a victim of circumstance, but I don’t accept any liability for that. This gives me enormous strength to deal with the situation as I see fit, as I am now in charge of it.
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
- lily
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Re: Wife Checked Out
yes, I think it puts the ground under your feet to admit to being a victim - I am the victim of a deception of the most intimate and painful nature. My trust was continuously abused.
a lot of our spouses do the darvo as natural as breathing - I've forgotten what the d and a stand for but the rvo is reverse victim offender.
a lot of us spend our marriages feeling at fault - not because we were at fault and not because of some dysfunction but because our partner told us we were.
ah, just looked it up - DARVO Deny Attack and Reverse Victim Offender. Done by psychological abusers.
- inkundermyskin
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Re: Wife Checked Out
mm92-
im not the best at giving sound advice. been 15 months for me, and i still struggle. there are a lot of good people on here, that can give reassuring words. I've posted while sad, angry, bitter, and hurt. I'm still not in a happy place, but at least this place helps to not feel so fucking alone. someone posted somewhere that this isn't like normal infidelity. this goes much deeper. this isn't comparing apples to apples. yes pain is pain. cheating is cheating. but all of us here have suffered in a way that others will never truly understand.
all i can say, is keep coming here. for support, understanding, validation, or just to sound off on what your feeling in that moment. i for one, have kept this as private as i can in the real world. i come here to get it off my chest.
good luck brother.
it is, what it is.
- mm92
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Re: Wife Checked Out
mm92-
someone posted somewhere that this isn't like normal infidelity. this goes much deeper. this isn't comparing apples to apples. yes pain is pain. cheating is cheating. but all of us here have suffered in a way that others will never truly understand.
The isolation is something that I still can't quite wrap my head around. In common infidelity there is at least the possibility that your partner cheated because they were not strong enough to end things ethically or made an error in a moment of weakness, confusion or doubt.
With this, the sense is that what you thought was a sacred space was in reality a product of your partner's self (or outright) deception- a movie set, that in hindsight, was always hollow, contrived, and insincere.
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Thread Starter