OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

July 9, 2021 2:07 am  #1

David Yurman necklace gift from male coworker

Hi all! Newbie here. Could I get your insights?  Married 10yrs w/ kids- Am I his beard?
I think I'm in the discard phase of a narc marriage- Emboldened rage,  (punching holes in wall, throwing chair) contempt, and cruel language towards me after he returned from birthday trip to Jamaica w/ his brothers.) I'm highly suspicious though if his sexuality has been what's at play all this time. How should I interpret these red flags?Red Flags include: 1. He's received 4 gifts from "a male coworker": a David Yurman amulet and dagger necklace (over $5K in price), expensive MontBlanc pens, $200 candle, a night to a boxing match.  I have such a strong weird feeling about that necklace.  He denied thinking anything was wrong to accept such gifts and said he wasn't bothered. Is this DY necklace known for anything in the gay community or some type of code gift meaning something?

2.   His walk and certain hand movements (I hope it's not offensive to say this- Just it was a major thing I noticed and now learning others did too)3.  I'd expressed pain on penetration early in marriage, but he rarely has complained  that "he cant go in"
3. But when we do, Still cannot find his way to my vagina....like cant find my vagina w/out me guiding him there w/ my hand (insert here)
3. Prefers "tight" fit of anal penetration
3. Originally HATED doing oral on me...like HATED it....since top of year thats all he will do to me now. and increased when he came back from jamaica until I stopped him..But quickly gets up to rinse mouth (even though I bathe prior to the act)4. Never gets jealous when other men look at me or come to close...he says its sweet5. Engages eye contact and ever so slight nod when gay man look at him
6. he openly tells me when gay men look at him; never expresses discomfort with it
7. Randomly inserts gay rights topics in conversation (was the most when living next to lesbian couple...though he never got to know them)
8. Extreme fawning behavior to his mother. She didn't show same type of affection to us vs. his other siblings. Only came to visit when I had a baby. Rarely called to speak to them. [ Our culture is extremely homophobic...recently wondered if mom knows he's gay and thats why she treats us this way?]  
9. Biggest complaint w/ him is the lack of emotional connection. We've had some good times, but is resistant to give hugs when I ask, his eyes look through me during these times.
10. Closes eyes in sex...on rare occasion (like 2-3x over years), he cries or looks past me to ceiling
11. Had this out of nowhere fear our son would be gay when he was born... he blamed it on the city we lived in 
I still feel shocked in a way. He was my first. How am I just putting all this together after 10yrs in marriage? Anything to this David Yurman necklace?
Am I his beard? 
For the closeted gay men who cheated, did you increase in angry behavior at home after being w/ a man?

Thanks again and happy to have found this space!


July 9, 2021 4:35 am  #2

Re: David Yurman necklace gift from male coworker

Good morning Lavender,

I would like to extend to you a combined warm welcome and deep sadness that you find yourself here. I can tell you from what you have described, that you are indeed a “beard” I’m afraid. As a heterosexual man I would not under any circumstances purchase jewellery for a “friend”. Tickets to sporting events would be OK, but the value and meaning of the act of jewellery giving is more important than any implied meaning in the object itself. The same sex attraction that your husband has is becoming increasingly difficult for him to repress, and this repression is felt by you in his anger mainly when he interacts with you. He does not want to be with you, and is essentially blaming you for this fact. His life would be so much better if you were a man. Emotionally immature people are more prone to throwing fits of anger when faced with situations that they are not emotionally equipped to deal with. It sounds as though he has grown up in an environment were homosexuality was regarded negatively, and this has become his self image. 
 The issues you are having sexually are perfectly normal in what is a marriage to a gay man. I think I would find it difficult to prefer anal over conventional sex with a female partner I was emotionally bonded to. But, that might be just me I guess. The hand gestures and eye contact you describe is your “gaydar” pinging that this partner is not sexually compatible. I will leave it to those who have, or are recovering from this situation to provide their honest advice on how you should go about exiting this relationship. You will both have to exit the relationship as these things will only get worse. Please read and digest the advice that is surely to come your way from those who have lived this nightmare. Please know that you are most definitely not alone. X

And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.

July 9, 2021 7:27 am  #3

Re: David Yurman necklace gift from male coworker

Hi Lavender, 
I am so sorry for what you're going through.  This site was a Godsend to me two years ago when I was going through the worst of the discovery of my GID/crossdressing husband.  

In my opinion, the gifts to your husband are the biggest sign that something is awry. I worked for 45+ years and no one in my workplace ever gave me a lavish gift.  If the gifting co-worker has a manager/subordinate work relationship with your husband, either or both of them could lose their jobs.  

The other signs you describe may or may not be gay-related.  However, I saw several of them in my now-ex:  Couldn't find his way to my vagina, didn't want oral sex either way, and walked and sat with stereotypical gay mannerisms.  

I am troubled for you when you described his anger and rage.  Please be very careful.  



Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum