OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

July 5, 2021 10:00 am  #1

I am so confused on what to do

Short backstory, when my SO and started dating I quickly realized something was off. He rarely could keep his arousal during sex. Never could finish and always made excuses as to why he couldn’t. Although I didn’t really buy into the excuses I carried on because the rest of our relationship was wonderful, at the time.  I thought I hit the jackpot with him, except for this one thing.

Fast forward, I started to get resentful of the lack of intimacy with him. Then it all came to a head. He had gone of to work for a work trip and when he came back and I saw his tinder account. Which led me to looking at his phone/google history.

He had been looking at MTF porn. I dug deeper, and begun asking questions. Basically this started, so he says, 6 years ago. The porn he looks at is strictly MTF masturbating to climax as compilation videos. This appears to be the only thing that gets him off. He had subscriptions to Twitter onlyFans. And had a ton of MTF on his Snapchat that he had set so the notifications wouldn’t appear.

I’m an open person and very understanding how if this is what he is into then it could be embarrassing and hard to face. So this past year I’ve tried to be as helpful and understanding as possible. Yet I feel as though there are still secrets.

I don’t think he has been completely honest with me. For example, I was willing to try and allow him to bring a third into the marriage, a MTF that is. So we went out and it was hard for him to approach anyone with me there. So I went down to another bar to let him roam.

After a bit I got antsy and annoyed maybe even jealous and had him come back to get me. Come to find out he had shown a gay guy a picture of his privates. He said I thought it was funny. I didn’t say much but it still bothers me.

He denies that he wants a MTF as a relationship and it’s only a fetish but i feel like it’s more than that. I think he is denying to himself that this is really what he wants and is afraid. Which leaves me here in limbo until he figures it out.

I’m almost 40 and I hate it. The relationship is great other than sex and me constantly worrying that it will always be like this or that he will eventually find what he wants and I’m just left holding the bag.

Has anyone ever been in this situation? Any suggestions?


July 5, 2021 3:03 pm  #2

Re: I am so confused on what to do

Whykeepme wrote:



Welcome to our Forum. I have no experience with your situation so don't feel qualified to comment but can say our partners are often "wonderful men except for this one thing" and leave many of us caught between leaving and staying. 
On the General board there's a First Aid Thread you could look at and one of the members rich in advice and experience with MtF husbands/partners will post soon


KIA KAHA                       

July 5, 2021 3:44 pm  #3

Re: I am so confused on what to do

Pardon my ignorance. What is an MTF?

And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.

July 5, 2021 4:21 pm  #4

Re: I am so confused on what to do

Male To Female.

He sounds gay to me, whykeepme, you do just fine for him.  Personally I would advise changing your moniker to whystaywithhim and run for the hills.  Not being honest.  what can you expect out of the future?  A cat loves a mouse, but the mouse still gets eaten.  He is nice to you now.  Do you think that will last?  


July 5, 2021 5:10 pm  #5

Re: I am so confused on what to do

I’ve been with my STBXH for 16 yrs and married for 11 yrs. I never knew he had a problem with porn till he left his computer open 9 months after we were married. I was furious when I found it and over the years got him help because we both believe he was a porn addict. He never would disclose to me what exactly he was watching even though I pressed and pressed about it.

He finally drops the bomb on me with a phone call that he has been cross dressing since 10 and now bi trans sexual. This was 7 months ago and now he’s a full trans women in hormones and presenting in public. I only found out what he was finally watching during one of our arguments 3 months ago that he was watching trans porn. He was obsessed with it and even watched the trans porn during work and could have been fired but he didn’t care. That’s how much he was obsessed with it and desired to be a “woman”. He now or almost always had desires for men but “suppressed” it.

Answering your question of why keeping you around...it’s because of your compatibility except the sex that he’s looking for. Like mine, I was his best friend, his companion and the source of his laughter.

There was a point during our divorce that I reconsidered being a “friend” to him but soon realized he was just “using” me to transition and for a support system. He quickly tossed me aside again when I said I would not want to be with him or remain friends while he is in hot pursuit of men to satisfy his disgusting sexual desires.

There is too much hurt, pain and disrespect to remain friends.

I can only offer that I spent 6 months after that ambushed phone call to help him with finding therapy and support groups and I wished I hadn’t. I was foolish to think I could believe his cries for help about his sexuality  but all along he knew and was stringing me along with lies.

I hope this helps you in anyway that if his “desires” are not compatible with yours, then save yourself further heartache now. Only you will know the right decision. I had to learn it the hard way.


Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum