So the marriage is officially over. Last night we spoke, and decided she needed to go pursue her new love. She would have only ended up sneaking around anyway, so it was just better to call it off. The kids were a mess last night. No one really slept. The now ex wife and i just spent time comforting the kids. We are done. She said she isn't able to put TGT back in the box and she needs to explore who she is. Not wait around in limbo to see if this infatuation subsides on its own. I guess she's been battling that for a while already as soon as she realized she had feelings for this woman. It was time to throw in the towel.  Its been a good marriage. A happy marriage. 

We are going to try our utmost and be amicable. She is moving in next door for the next two months, so she can come home for the kids as needed. Then in the unlikely event things don't work out with her new partner, maybe we can explore getting back together. But as everyone knows its probably already gone too far. She is no longer the same person i was married too all those yrs, in that sense.

I need to spend time healing myself, taking care of myself. Hopefully one day i'll find love myself. I have to concentrate on my two boys now. I will try and buy my ex out of half the house. We're both agreeing to split everything 50/50 amicably (for now at least) I'm a realist. Money will be tight, but in the ex's mind none of that matters. She's a lesbian and she's just come to terms with it, and she can't expect herself to live a lie and pretend she's not. I think we've both done the right thing calling it off. If she turns out to go back to being a hetrosexual, which i can't personally see how, then we'll work options.  She has two months next door rent free, before the neighbor comes back. From there we'll figure it out.  

The main goal at the moment is to not displace the boys and let them know that both their mother and father both love them very much. Just mom no longer loves dad in a romantic way. She still loves him, just not romantically. 

I'm too numb at the moment to feel cut up. 

Last edited by sadday2021 (July 2, 2021 6:40 am)

I'm glad to hear that you and she are having honest discussions and focusing on causing the least trauma to your children. Mine were young adults so we did not have to address custody but the result for us of winding down the marriage practically has been that we are able to be around each other for family occasions.

As she pursues her future try to make time for things you enjoy. Perhaps be more outgoing and try new things. Life will be different but it can be good.  . 

Sorry to hear this news, but you now have some clarity. It might not seem like a good thing today, but your thoughts on that may change over time. An amicable split is great, if you can manage it fairly. Do get a lawyer to sign off though, especially where it concerns the children. Custody/decision making/visitation/child support/access, these are all important things. You may want to ensure that if your spouse gets the majority of custody, she can't just move to the other side of the country. Property is also a potential legal minefield so let the experts help. You can probably start a framework by making a simple list - this we agree on, this we decide later (rather than argue out details as they appear).

I agree with OoHC, some ground rules around this other person should be formulated. This includes her being introduced to your kids. Now is too soon. Until they have a new normal established, adding people is a bad idea, in my opinion.

If you don't have access to a therapist, maybe check for a local SSN group via the main SSN webpage and reach out for some support using that link. The next few months may be tough and you want to focus on your health, mental and physical, so that you can be the best Dad possible.

Take care and we're always here to listen.

Clif wrote:

Hi SadDay.
Sorry you have to be here. After all of those years it can be very hard to wrap your mind around.
Like you, we had been married a long time. 27 years to be exact. For us the kids were grown and moved out of the house. I was stunned. All of our friends thought we were the ultimate couple. Spent all of our time together. Never argued, etc. But then a woman she worked with came along. At first she told me this woman seemed to cling to her and she said she felt uncomfortable. Then she stopped talking about her. Now the two of them are married and live on the west side of the country about 1,500 miles away from me.

It took a lot for me to come to terms with this. But now, I have been remarried to a straight woman for ten years and life is good again. Best of luck to you in this endeavor. One day this will just be an event in the rearview mirror. Take care of your self and your boys.

Be well.
Clif

Hi Cliff. What you describe, always together, ultimate couple.......seems very similar to my situation during our marriage. Except that my children are still at home and younger, therefore there's a lot more emotional turmoil in the home, with my kids crying every night. This is making me struggle to keep things amicable with my wife.

For example last night i went out for a couple of hrs to consul with my friend who's been through a wife that left him for someone else. I came back.  She was still at home, not next door. Using the excuse she's there to be caring for the kids, spending time with them.. I smelled the BS right away just from her expression. Unfortunately this whole situation is bringing out the horrible emotion of jealousy in me. I did set the ground that no cheating while in our home together. I asked her to unlock her phone and show me she was telling the truth (which i know makes me sound like a control freak, but i just wanted to prove to myself that its all a bunch of lies) The i'm gay, i can't help myself, its not about her, its about finding myself. Anyway, needless to say, she'd been texting and calling her all night in our family home. 

I think i needed to see it for myself more than anything. Its a bitter pill to swallow. I called her a cheat and a liar. Which is true, but then again we did say the relationship is over, so she technically is within her right to cheat on me as she pleases.. But in our own family home ? That's where i draw the line. Move out and go next door please. You can't have your cake and eat it. You can't have your lover and your kids and all your creature comforts.  Don't pretend to me mom and then cheat.   I know its the dopamine hit she needs. She won't be able to stop no matter what until she see's it through. 

Anyway sorry i just had to get that off my chest.... once all the jealousy subsides, and maybe once she comes back down to earth.  Will we be able to maintain a friendship or any sort?  Do you and your ex-wife ever keep in touch ? or am i just better cutting all ties outside of what's absolutely necessary.  Its hard because we were best friends, but i don't know if i'll ever be able to forgive her for what she's done to our children. I don't know if they'll ever be able to forgive her for what's she's done.. They're old enough to know. I've tried to play it down for them. But at the end of the day they know she wants that other woman NO MATTER WHAT or whoever gets trampled on. Basically she's giving them up to be with this other woman. Not 100% but part time visitations.  Something i thought would have never ever been possible a short while ago. Its wasn't her. I am in mourning that my wife that she was, is gone, and this is the new her. Selfish, thinking about no-one but herself. 

Anyway i'm sure you went through all the same emotions as does everyone else, once this happens to them.  Do you, or anyone else for that matter, stay amicable, once all the raw emotions die down..    Again its not as if we had a rocky relationship. I need to know if i need to let up on my jealousy and learn to accept she's going to be calling, and sneaking around with her lover every given moment she can get away.   She's probably with her right now.. She left this morning and who knows where she's at. 

Last edited by sadday2021 (July 3, 2021 7:17 am)

I think you'll find that this will take front and center in her life for the next little while. There is little you can do about it but I think the 'not under the same roof the kids live under' idea is fair, until you have separate living arranged. Try not to hold onto the jealousy, although it's understandable under the circumstances. This has been called the 'gay adolescence' phase. Responsibilities get pushed aside. You feel like the only adult in the room. I highly recommend you find your own form of counseling to help you deal with these emotions and pressures.