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June 25, 2021 8:47 am  #1


4868 days

4868 days have been spent trying to find answers for all that has gone wrong in my life. It has been that long since my wife told me that she didn’t love me “that way” anymore. Turned off like a tap, and replaced with varying levels of emotional abuse and derision about why I can’t be a real man. There has been no affair or friendship with another man. There is a strange need to keep me around without so much as accidental physical contact. I have tried everything I can to change the way I behave around her to try and “win her back” in some way. The abuse is sometimes difficult to take and I have tried to ask where this behaviour is coming from, to no avail. I have had a good long hard look at myself and do not see what else I can change. 
 II have to say that reading through this wonderfully supportive site has filled me with a lot of cold dread as I can see patterns of behaviour that I recognise. My wife has said that she doesn’t mind me “seeing other people” which to me seemed like an odd thing to say. Surely she should say “see other women” as I am heterosexual and already see male friends. She has never been into what I would term standard romantic films and literature, but would avidly watch gay romance programs and also appear to be moved by them. I have thought about the lack of what I rather reluctantly term feminine behaviour and this lack of desire to form a new relationship with another man, if I’m not cutting the mustard for her. But, it’s  just this nagging feeling that something just doesn’t make sense and things always feel off or weird 
Basically, after the endless daily abuse and lack of any form of intimacy (either physical or emotional) the stress I was under culminated in my having a heart attack before Christmas. I have recovered fully with no damage or evidence of heart disease which I am grateful for. But, I thought that this polarising event might bring us close together. The only thing it has done is reduce the abuse.
Anyway, after reading through the messages on here I took the opportunity of her nephew coming out to discuss the relief he must have felt in not living a lie. She then became awkward and headed off to the kitchen. When I happened through the door behind her, she was pouring a large glass of wine and her eyes were on the brink of tears as she raised the shaking glass to her lips. I am really starting to wonder now….


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

June 25, 2021 11:54 am  #2


Re: 4868 days

Thank you Longwayhome.

I am more than happy to be wrong about this and I am going to take the advice of my therapist and suggest we go to couples counselling. I will suggest that this may resolve any issues and put the spark back into things. I will be objectively gauging the reaction and reply when I bring it up this evening. Anyone would be willing to try that if it was capable of improving things. Wouldn’t they?


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
     Thread Starter
 

June 25, 2021 1:16 pm  #3


Re: 4868 days

I’ve been in therapy for depression and PTSD for three months, I don’t see how it can get any worse at the moment. I will give it a go and see what sort of reaction I get. I may even be pleasantly surprised.


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
     Thread Starter
 

June 25, 2021 3:09 pm  #4


Re: 4868 days

Brace yourself - it's going to keep getting worse for a little while, here you are hoping it all might turn out apples with a little couples counselling and yet there is the possibility that couples counselling will turn into a further assault on your self esteem.  more self doubt not less.  two of them telling you what you should be doing better.

If your wife is gay in denial, and I believe that is the case from reading your post, that spark was only ever a reflection of the spark in your eye. Not the real thing.

I remember one day I was cleaning out the grate in the fireplace.  And it suddenly occurred to me that that is what I had been doing - clearing the grate and setting a new fire and hoping he will come to the party.  And enough was enough.

Time lines.  I used 3 months.  Then after 3 months I said you haven't talked with me and I am giving you another 3 months, I remember he thought it was amusing.  But I was just making sure he understood there was a time frame and then I was able to proceed with my determined escape out of the closet keyhole.

wishing you the best of luck, Lily

 

 

June 25, 2021 7:26 pm  #5


Re: 4868 days

Hello Ordinary guy,

That's a long time. I spent almost 20 years married to a closeted gay man.  It's definitely not what I signed up for. His obnoxious behavior was the main reason I sought a divorce. I dealt with healing from that and have been dealing with the GID issues he had for the last few years.

If you haven't already read it, please take a look at this forum's First Aid Kit. It's the first post at this link. This Kit has practical ideas for how to deal with a non-straight spouse.

https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic_mobile.php?id=1217

Sometimes people don't mind if the sex is sporadic in a marriage as long as there is deep emotional intimacy and mutual respect.  Am hoping with marriage counseling you and your wife can build that.

Am hoping that your wife knows her behavior has caused you enormous stress and she is concerned. In my experience if she doesn't admit to it, I don't believe counseling can fix that.

I hope you post when you need and want to. We have been where you are, and have lots of (unwanted) experience dealing with it.

Please take care of your health!
Best,
Maria


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

June 25, 2021 9:45 pm  #6


Re: 4868 days

lily wrote:

.....
Time lines.  I used 3 months.  Then after 3 months I said you haven't talked with me and I am giving you another 3 months, ....

Oh my Lily! I gave my partner 3 years! The difference being I never actually said "I'm giving you 3 years"
I just wanted him to open up and talk with me and, I must admit...wanted him to *know* what I meant without me having to say it out loud.

You must have a very resolute and determined personality

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

June 26, 2021 6:22 am  #7


Re: 4868 days

Well, I would prefer to know one way or the other. Timeline does not seem relevant to the truth at this point. I have been placed in the extreme risk category by the safeguarding mental health team due to suicidal ideation stemming from prolonged emotional abuse. It seems important somehow to know why this has been the case thus possibly allowing me to make a stoic judgement on the future. Self esteem is non-existent anyway and it could be a case of hitting the bottom first before you can bounce back. If it is the case that the last thirty years of my life have been built on a lie, I can honestly say that I do not know what affect that will have personally. I would have left those years ago when this behaviour toward me first started to manifest, but we had just had our son and I needed to face up to and accept the situation in order to be a Father if not a husband. I am too old to find someone else now and If things turn out negatively I think that trusting anyone will become a real struggle for me. I will keep you posted and again, I thank you for your support and advice.
 


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
     Thread Starter
 

June 26, 2021 7:58 am  #8


Re: 4868 days

Dear Ordinary guy,

I had 20 years of marriage to a man who stopped having sex with me after a year. He stopped working. I was his personal bank. I know what you're saying: it's hard to accept one human being would do this to another. It's hard to accept his love was a lie and he conned me. He wasn't interested in me but in men. He never admitted it because he would lose his free, all expenses paid lifestyle. You aren't alone. I felt like a chump. My marriage was a big black hole with nothing to show for it.

I could be wrong and this may not happen, but usually gays in denial stay in the closet. They have a lifetime of experience reading people and fooling them to believe otherwise. They are masters at it. They can beat the smartest person in the room & convince them they're straight although they really aren't.

Am guessing you know what your wife is and isn't. It's not worth waiting to find out. Odds are in her favor she'll never tell you. My late GIDXH was also a master of abuse. I couldn't out maneuver him because I was unwilling to stoop to his level. Winning is not playing with a manipulator.

As others have said, you never know what can happen after you leave the stress behind. You may just meet some nice women who want to date a nice guy like you. Peace of mind shows you how much life has to offer. It did for me. It was vastly different from the narrow life view my late GIDXH wanted me to see.

Keep posting and venting. It helps. It helps me.

Take care of yourself!

Best, Maria


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

June 26, 2021 11:50 am  #9


Re: 4868 days

The thing about your story OG that I resonated with so much is that lack of proof.  No confirmation.  The only evidence I had was myself - the low state I was in, I was in a bad way.  That and the persistent feeling of my gut instinct.  

That changed after I left him.  Then an old friend who knew him since school days spilled the beans on him.  I am grateful for the confirmation and it helped me piece things together, what had actually been happening behind my back but I also wish she had told me when we were young.  

Or any time sooner, the damage from being in the hands of an emotionally abusive manipulator had just got worse with time.  When we stopped having sex at all that was better, I was starting to recover, but then I was still being ankle-tapped when I got moving.

So yeah I was gutsy Elle.  I'm like the mouse with a loud squeak.  I actually saw that once.  My cat had a mouse cornered, bailed up in the corner of the room nowhere to hide.  No escape.  It was really scared, trembling and then suddenly it squeaked really loudly.  Both me and the cat were surprised, taken aback and in that instant the mouse ran for it, running right past her, and escaped under the sofa. 

being under the sofa is a vast improvement to playing pat a cake with a cat.

Timelines bring their own proof.  Something that makes sense to your heart.  Is he my lover?  No, he is not.

 

 

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