hellobritty- Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m still a year or so behind you. I very well may be you in a year. I’m still in the beginning waves or will he or won’t he. I want to keep hope that he’ll resolve his trauma and we can still be a family. I know that may not be the case. He agrees with me again and again, but in reality I don’t know if I’m reaching him. He said the majority of his brain wants to be the man I married, but that he feels so confused by the minority part wanting to be a woman. After a long discussion he’ll still say things like “Thank you for stopping me from making this mistake”. But I think social media isn’t helping at all. The online trans community is a giant validation machine, most communities are, I guess. 

Soaplife - Yes, no matter what I will do what is best in the long term for my son and I. I reached out to my last boss and he said he wanted me back, working for him in the beginning of fall. It’s a small project, so they have to manage funds and things to do before I can start again. I will make it so that I’m not so dependent. Thankfully remote work is a lot more common these days and I will be able to stay home with my son. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst is what I’ll do. We have our first couples counseling tomorrow. I can do individual counseling and I probably should. I’ve told my family and they support me with whatever happens. My in-laws pity me, but they do love me.

hellobritty - I wish I could hug you, I feel that pain and I wish I could change it for both of us.

I am sorry you are going through this. My STBXH came out to me 6 months ago and now he is full fledge transwoman. New name, new email account, on hormones, presenting in public etc. All of this even before our divoce is finalized.

I too did the whole buying clothes, make up etc. We had the whole discuss on new "experiences" in the bedroom in order to make 'him" feel submissive as a "woman". This was alll a discussion and he wanted to come home (we were in different states at the time and when this all exploded I decided to not move back) to try to make things work.  Now he tells me he desires to be with a man and to be in a hetetrosexual relationship. He changed his mind back and forth and I put my foot down. I was going to try to accept him as a woman but NOT when you desire to be with men and literally telling me if a man hits on "her", then "she" might give into temptation and cheat. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but then I figured it out. "He" wants to be with me and loves me...."She" wants a new live and desires to be with a man.

Leaving and divorcing him is the hardest thing I had to do in my life. I am heartbroken, sadden and still traumatized and will probably be for a long time. The devasting loss to lose my husband and best friend; however IT IS NECESSARY.  The love I had for him and believe to my core he is the "person" in this world for me sucked me into this chaos for 6 months. Wanting to hold onto something I thought was so real and magical for 16 years only. And now he desires to be with a man. I was not willng to put up with that and who knows the "submissive" desires would always be in the way.

Please trust your feelings and your gut. It's telling you that is not who you are or what you want. Save yourself the pain and agony to stop trying If you know it won't work. Walk away now and save yourself more pain and heartache.

Feel free to PM me if you want to.

Hugs to you!
 

OOHC -

Yes mine said the same, too!

After the trans bomb, I did alot of research about this and "desires" and being "submissive" was a huge part of becoming transfemale.  If staying would mean a new sexual experiences for the both of us. We have an honest talk about what we would accept, try or not want. I was willing to "try" and so was he. Part of the conversation was what was off limits etc.  Over a course of a month, the whole submissive and penetration came up over and over again. At first he didn't mine having male parts and now not so sure because being touched down there would totally be against a "woman".

I told him if he came home, I would not treat him any differently. He would no longer be my "husband" and he would be my "partner". We have never divided responsiblities, financials, etc between you are the husband and I am the wife. I said only thing different is bedroom experiences for the both of us and clothing and makeup shopping. I am not going to entertain the "girly" attitudes or become the "man" in the new relationship.  He understood this BUT then these "desires" to be with a man in "every sense" - to have the door held open, put his head on someone's shoulders at night, to have someone tell him he's "beautiful" comes up. I can do those things, but I'm still not a man!


 

GraceLove20 - I’m sorry this happened to you and I’m glad you posted. Last night I saw exactly what you mean about seeming like he is addicted. It seems like he’s addicted to the idea of being of a woman and even if he kind of wants to stop due to external consequences of his actions, he can’t stop thinking about becoming a women like he is a pill or booze addict. Unfortunately you can’t force an addict into sobriety. I did tell him last night that he was acting like an addict. It seems like no matter what I say, no matter how logical, no matter how emotional, none of my pleas target the issue. Like a pill addict that you’re begging to stop, they’ll say yes, of course they’ll stop, but all healing has to come within him and I can’t change it. That is very difficult to accept and I don’t think I have accepted it yet.