Yes,

OMG..  Im so sorry.    I generally cannot respond too much on trans posts as I have not experience with that..just a gay ex (GX).  
yet..

 We have a kid with a medical condition and one would think it can bring a couple closer together as they navigate the hardships and support each other.    Sadly with my ex spouse and many of these spouses it doesn't appear to be the case.     Its a scary thing..  there are many perils in the world..one could get sick, kids could get hurt etc.. you seems to have experienced many... and yet these spouses go and create  another peril within their total control .   Further ,and this is what scares me the most (more than death etc)..  these spouses , if we were to get sick or have issues would not be there for us..they would have no
problem further hurting us.

Through all your pain you still  need to take care of your kid..  it doesn't sound like he is thinking of you or your kid but only of himself.  How is he helping with your kid?    To strongly take care of your kid it may be you need to leave the person that is hurting you.   If his transitioning means so much to him..including hurting you, and in my mind, ultimately your kid, what other things are more important to him ?   What other perils could we all experience and find our spouses have no problem at all throwing us under bus.   

//
Sorry for a bit of my own rant in the reply.. Ive been in contact with my GX in recent days and the while Im very happily divorced I get to experience the alternate moral reality that I did something wrong .   I stand stoic, head held high, face in the wind and thank God for getting me away from such a hurtful person.

Wishing you courage, fortitude, and faith.

 

Last edited by Rob (June 15, 2021 6:48 am)

   The sequence of feelings and actions you describe--wanting to preserve your marriage, participating in his feminizing activities as a show of support, the subsequent upwelling of the feelings you suppressed in order to "be supportive"--is entirely normal and even predictable.  They were certainly my experience with my own trans-identified now-ex, and I've been on these boards for almost five years and read enough stories from other women in our predicament to see this pattern repeated over and over.

  The revulsion, nausea, and disgust you are feeling is your body telling you in the most elemental physical way possible that, as you put it, "this isn't going to work."  Please listen to--and, more importantly, act on--what your body is telling you.  That bodily response is a kind of "fail-safe" mechanism, which is there to remind you of the essential truth that despite the challenges--of raising a special needs child alone, finding employment, and all the rest--you are not attracted to, indeed cannot stomach, a man dressed up as and acting out his fantasy of being a woman. 

  And that is perfectly ok.  You fell in love with a man (a male man), and married your husband expecting to live your life with him.  Now he wishes to transform himself into a transwoman.  This is not what you signed up for, not what you would have signed up for, and you do not now have to accept what is (and would have been) unacceptable to you.

  Grief, anger, and regret are also normal responses, as is both fear over how you're going to cope and a loss of trust in the whole idea of a healthy relationship, but they are not reasons to stay in an untenable situation.  Although these feelings are all painful, as time passes you work through them, and as you manage a life alone, they begin to lose their power over you.  
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 15, 2021 1:07 pm)

Yesthisisfaith, has your husband had therapy or counselling to help him cope and adjust during/after his cancer treatment? Also quite apart from the massive event of being rendered infertile, Testes removal can cause sexual/erectile dysfunction and surgery may have caused nerve damage. He may be in crisis about any number of things associated with his recent surgery.  And has he had endocrine testing? I would have thought for testicular cancer he would need testosterone replacement therapy.  Hormone imbalance can cause significant personality change.

Is he willing to discuss these possibilities with you? If you can't discuss things because he won't, don't force it - don't put yourself in danger. But if he is open to safe and civil and open discussion it might be worth it. He may indeed be very traumatised and confused.

Last edited by Soaplife (June 15, 2021 8:25 pm)

Hi there,

I feel like I can weigh in on this a bit. I've been married 16 years, have an autistic (mildly) 7-year-old daughter. I work part-time only so that I can care for her. My husband came out as trans over a year ago. It's been a slippery slope. It started with lacey underwear, growing long hair, lip balm to now full makeup, etc. I'm devastated. I'm so, so sorry that you are dealing with this. It's like nothing you ever dreamed of; a nightmare. We're not getting divorced since I cannot afford to live on my own, but it is definitely in the cards, even though he claims he doesn't want to. But I didn't marry a woman, so, stalemate. So, maybe when my daughter gets a bit older. Ugh. Please private message me if you ever wanna talk. Our tales are too similar, unfortunately.

YesThisIsFaith wrote:

He takes testosterone every two weeks through muscle injection. It sucks to have to painfully stick yourself like that every two weeks. He has not had any counseling for his trauma, but he wants to see both a regular counselor and a trans positive counselor. That makes me believe that he isn’t really serious about trying to stay a man.

You are on the ground dealing with this crisis. Trust your gut. Act in the best longterm interests of you and your child. A trauma counsellor may help.  Do you have a support system - people you can talk to, maybe a counsellor or therapist of your own? Whatever happens you need a few people who have your back.

Last edited by Soaplife (June 15, 2021 8:49 pm)